Midlife crisis

[withaspongeandarustyspanner]

Tell me your experiences of your partners' midlife crises. What did they do? How long did it last? Did they realise they'd made a mistake? Did you forgive them and/or take them back?

I'm needing strength right now as I find myself in this situation.

[jessie47]

I wanted to share my story...got to mid life and started to feel very bored and restless. Everything was very settled and lovely...husband, kids, schools, work, but instead of feeling content, life seemed horribly routine. I ended up falling in love e
emotionally with one of my closest (female) friends and our relationship intensified very quickly...being constantly in touch, nights out just the two of us, sharing intimate secrets, and so on. It was utterly disastrous. I started to become really emotionally dependent on her to provide some spark in my life, and everything became really volatile and intense between us. She is gorgeous and fun, but has issues of her own and I think it scared her that I'd suddenly become so needy and she was having to give so much time to our friendship (even though she was very receptive to a point). I on the other hand was totally obsessed and in my head, it was almost like running a second relationship. My husband chose not to notice that I was spending every single night glued to my phone and I was totally distracted constantly. I ended up having a huge fallout with my friend and having counselling to try and put my marriage back in the centre of my life. My husband had no idea about any of this. My friend and I are still friends (incredibly) but I'm trying hard to put some distance between us at the moment. It was the most awful experience of my life. It's very scary what can happen when a gap opens up in your life and someone else starts to fill it.

[GreenRut]

Amazing update op!

[withaspongeandarustyspanner]

Oh Cherry, I am sorry you're having a bad day.

I had the same thing with Facebook. While we were together he hated Facebook and wouldn't even have an account, but one day and picture of him and her popped up in 'people you might know'. Not only that, but he'd used photos of the children I'd sent him while doing stuff with me, making our own memories. It really pissed me off because it felt like he was claiming those memories as his.

And then, and this sounds weird, OW kept having her hair like mine (according to the kids). So I blocked them both on all social media I could think of. And it felt good. And I felt better. I felt free. But you have to do it when you're ready, I guess.

I read through all these messages last night, and the one piece of advice I wish I'd taken is this: stop making it about him, accept it and live for yourself now; forge a new life - a better one. And my life is so much better without him in it.

You will get there

[CherryBlossomPink]

I too had the I love you but not in love with you speech. Apparently I was no longer fun and stopped him living life and having new experiences - 1 of which turned out to be a girl of 22 (he's 46).
I have given myself a year to heal and I'm slowly starting to get there, but having a bad day today as he has updated his Facebook photo of one which has has the 2 of them in. I know I shouldn't look for my own sanity, but can't quite bring myself to block him.
My mantra has been "living well is the best revenge" and I'm trying so hard to live up to it, but some days are harder than others.
Good luck to you

[crunched]

Is it appropriate to ask you how much of this situation arose from the bereavement of his brother?
Was that a catalyst to spark the change in the person he was. Would it have happened sooner or later anyway?

Glad to hear you and the DC have moved on in a positive direction

[withaspongeandarustyspanner]

I thought I'd pop back for an update.

My decree nisi came through last month. He still hasn't appointed a solicitor. He has been vile and hateful towards me, blamed me for EVERYTHING. The kids see him (some of them, anyway. The girls aren't really interested in a relationship with him. He lives with OW but is apparently going to rent somewhere separately so the kids will go to visit him (a man who is struggling to pay half the rent of one house suddenly can afford to rent a whole house? I think I smell bullshit). So he's continued to lie, misremember events and be spiteful.

I saw him tonight when he dropped off one of the kids.

I. Felt. Nothing.

It was the weirdest thing.

So, thank you all for your advice. I wish I'd listened to you all earlier of course.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're going through this too.

I discovered my H's "midlife crisis" eight weeks ago. He had been having an emotional affair & exchanging sexual explicit WhatsApp messages with a colleague for about six weeks. His OW is also older than me - about 6 years. We had been together for 20 years and have 3 DCs together. Looking back, I did have a feeling that he was becoming detached, or drifting, from me last Autumn. We were still friends, still happy enough, but the spark had long gone from our marriage. There was no romance, no sex, no closeness, hand-holding, kissing etc. We had become more friendly co-parents than anything.

I found the messages one night. I had had suspicions about something going on with his phone as he had started taking it absolutely everywhere with him & had put a password on it. I naively assumed he was looking at porn on it - as this is something he had done in the past when things weren't great between us physically. Never did I suspect he would ever actually have an affair.

Since D-Day, he has been completely and utterly remorseful. He is almost like a different man - so kind, so caring & does everything he possibly can to reassure me that he's sorry and that he loves me and only me. He tells me that he never loved the OW, nor cared about her hugely, but was flattered and excited by the attention she gave him. Both were going through unhappy times/feeling neglected in their marriages (her DP is ill ) and casual chatting about life at work became flirting which became texting, which became sexting. The affair ended the moment I found the messages, eight weeks ago.

H is 41, 40 when the emotional affair started. Whether it actually was a one-off midlife crisis I can't say at this stage.

I still love him but I can't trust him and he has hurt me more than I ever thought possible. I threw him out eight weeks ago and he is still living with his mum.

I really don't know what will happen in the future. If I do take him back, will I forever be waiting for him to cheat again? Who knows?

[Duckdeamon]

Fidelity shouldn't rely on third parties' goodwill!

[springydaffs]

Sorry to be vague but ime of something similar but not the same... there were other/s in the wings egging them on. I believe that if those person/s hadn't been there exploiting them while they were vulnerable the end result wouldn't have been as catastrophic.

May not apply in your circs - though there's not question this silly cow is not helping things ONE BIT to put it mildly - because playing away is depressingly black and white a lot of the time

[Duckdeamon]

Let him stay with SiL then, and have the DC with him v often. she'll get pissed off at some stage. Perhaps sooner than you think.

You don't need to be "friends" at this point at all, or continue to attend counselling together: that's just self destructive for you and enables him to put you into a certain box, and one he knows remains an option to him while he pursues OW. You just need to discuss short term custody arrangements and issues to do with the DC: people do that all the time whilst maintaining distance with their ex.

[withaspongeandarustyspanner]

She's actually older than me.

[IsmellSwell]

Does he regret it?
His girlfriend dumped him and is now married to some other middle aged man she found. Our children and their spouses don't want anything to do with him, he;s had some health issues and is feeling rather sorry for himself. So yes I think he regrets it - he hasn;t said so, but he has lost a family who loved him - he thought everyone would 'get over it' and forgive him.

This is what usually happens when a person lets their dick make life changing decisions for them.
It rarely ends well in the long term.

The (usually younger and better looking) person they have the affair with eventually gets older and starts to lose their looks. Also, once the excitement of the affair wears off, life goes back to being boring and samey.
Mid-life crisis git realizes that despite all the upheaval, he's bascially back in the same boat.
And he's caused ALL that upheaval (and in some cases wrecked his children's happy childhoods) for zilch.
NOTHING.

[IsmellSwell]

I woke up one morning to find a letter on the doormat announcing he had run off with a Romanian woman he had met on the internet and gone abroad with her. She was the same age as our son

Tacky.

[IsmellSwell]

I have spoken to her to ask her to back off, but she says that she's just supporting him and she has enough in her plate

There's a certain type of female who seems good at sniffing out when a marriage is in trouble and will hover round the man like a fly buzzing round shit.
They are always full of 'advice'.

They can't get a mate under normal circumstances, so have to destroy someone else's marriage to get what they want.
It always starts out as 'Im just a friendly ear' or 'shoulder to cry on'.
''I didn't mean for it to happen''. Bullshit.

[Duckdeamon]

He is having an affair then. Suggest you make arrangements to live separately asap and make sure he does his fair share of parenting, which will probably involve changes for him at work, social life etc.

His grief and handling of it is for him to worry about. You have enough to deal with due to his shitty behaviour and caring for the DC: focus on yourself and them.

[springydaffs]

Bereavement can do terrible things to people. But I agree wholeheartedly with pp's that you move to end this marriage - to save your sanity apart from anything else. The likelihood of him coming back is slim imo. He has taken a fork in the road, gone off on a tangent, and as each moment passes he is further away. Even if he were to turn back you can't get back where you were. If he did come back it would be entirely different; not what it was. Sorry to be so final.

as for her refusing not to fiddle with him - what a cow.

[springydaffs]

I have experienced this - been on the end of someone rejecting our relationship in the aftermath of a catastrophic bereavement - but it wasn't my husband or partner but a close family member.

ime the person they were is gone and will never come back. yy their bereavement has been extremely destructive and unhealthy; their refusal to face their agonising grief splattered all over nearest and dearest. I got their pain, contorted and all wrong. It is only recently I have finally accepted the person they were is gone, the relationship we had is gone. It has taken me a long time. Of pure hell.

You don't have to be friends to co-parent your children. Of course it helps but it isn't required.

[withaspongeandarustyspanner]

The counsellor told him, too. Until then, he was quite angry at the suggestion.

[withaspongeandarustyspanner]

He's not using his grief at all. He's saying he's not grieving in the slightest. That's the bit that worries as he quite clearly is.

[PrancingQueen]

There are plenty of women on these boards who have had long marriages/relationships that they thought were happy until they discovered the affair.
Your husband is using his bereavement as a free pass to act like an arse.
I can understand why you're treading carefully as you think he's unwell, but posters have written in before about their DP's depression/breakdown and their discovery of an affair.
A traumatic life event or illness is not a 'get out of jail free' card to disrespect and hurt those you supposedly love, and act selfishly.

Your husband needs a reality check. Get him to move out.

[withaspongeandarustyspanner]

I do realise that others of you have said the same about just waiting until he changes his mind. I know that he may not.

[withaspongeandarustyspanner]

I do also take on board what you say about him being a sensible human being who just wants to leave the relationship. I get that, I really do.

I think if he'd told me that at any other time, as hard as it would be to hear, I would be more likely to accept it, but all I have ever known is that he has loved me since we were 14/15, I've always been 'the one' for him. Since 1988 and all through our marriage. Until his brother died. And then it stopped. Just like that. Now it's all just gone in the space of a few months. And that's why I think it's a reaction to his brother's death. And this is why I think it's temporary. I know him very well, and through all of this, I've known things before he's even known them.

[Costacoffeeplease]

You don't need to be friends to raise the children - if you can be its good, but you don't have to martyr yourself in the process

Let him go to SIL, it may be a novelty at first, but I bet it soon wears off

[Kr1stina]

True, but he'll still have the kids at his SIL one night a week and EOW. And he will be dealing with your lawyer . And everyone will know that your marriage is over because of His infidelity

SIL Will soon get fed up with the kids and he will have to get his own place

[withaspongeandarustyspanner]

The trouble is, if I ask him to leave, he will be going round to stay with his SIL and I fear will not really feel the consequences of what he's done. He'll just be leaving me with the kids, while he gets his tea cooked and his shirts washed still. And she'll probably iron them for him, too. I don't think that will make him face up to the reality of what he's doing.

We are having counselling - trying to regain our friendship. Because, however it turns out, we need to be friends in order to manage the children.