Marriage unlikely to survive... wibu to leave and move 200 miles away?

[RainbowDashed]

H has been increasingly selfish and emotionally abusive over the 15+ years we've been together. Things have finally come to a head as I've been standing up for myself a lot more which seems to have triggered an escalation in the frequency of "incidents" and I've reached the point where I can't see a resolution, he has been blaming his own mental health etc etc but it took a serious request from me that he pack his bags and fuck the fuck off before he went to see his gp. Too late.

I'm currently working my notice in my job - which was handed in before the terminal incident and is most probably the trigger for it tbh, my job is stressful, long hours, no decent family time etc and he did nigh on bugger all to help me cope, emotionally, practically or helping organise the children etc.

So I now have a number of options, fortunately I have enough money to see me through for a while so that's a big tick in an important box.

I could stay, chuck him out, but it's unlikely ill be able to afford to stay in this house unless I went back to very full time work.

I could rent a cheap house locally, kids could stay in their schools, I could afford to earn less and then when the marital home was sold I could afford to buy here.

I could go back to my employer and ask that my notice be cancelled, and move close enough to work to cut out my commute. Children would have to change schools.

My current thought is that if I am going to disrupt my kids, I may as well move to my home county, 200ish miles away. My mum and sister are there. My oldest most supportive friend is there. The only sticking point is moving my kids away from everything they know, just because their father is a twat. I cant seem to come to terms with this in my mind at all. Moving home would give me a fresh start, with people I love around me. Also from a practical pov my mum's health could be better, nothing serious but she has long term conditions which affect her day to day life. It would be nice to be nearer to her.

The thought of doing any of the above terrifies me, and I keep changing my.mind as to which would be best. The fact that I won't have a job in six weeks kind of helps in some ways but not in others.

It would be really help to hear anyone's experience, thank you.

[squashtastic]

I'd buy yourself time before making a drastic move. I don't think you would be unreasonable if after a while though you realised it was the right thing for you. Parents who choose to be not involved can't be annoyed when they are treated as though they are not involved.

[GiveMyHeadPeaceffs]

Good luck in whatever decision you make Rainbowdashed and thanks for the useful info babieseverywhere

Not in this situation myself but know someone who is so I'm passing on the info.

[DontcarehowIwantitnow]

I agree with Fun.

Your DC will be travelling 400 miles each time they see their DF. What arrangements will you make for this and for him to have contact with them in between times?

[Funinthesun15]

OP will be willing to do at least half of the travelling to facilitate contact with their DF EOW?

He could go to court and you would be asked what measure you will put in place.

IME as it is you who is moving you will also be expected to do at least half of the travelling.

[Babieseverywhere]

Please be careful, I know you know him.

But a desperate angry person, might react out of character.

[Morasssassafras]

rainbow thank you for taking my post in the way it was meant.

You're right there are no easy answers and you know your H best and how's he's likely to behave. I think Babies has a very valid point about when you leave/tell him to leave and the 2 weeks after being the most dangerous time and I'm sure at least some of the 2 women a week who are killed by (ex)partners thought the same so please do be careful and if you become even the slightest bit afraid then call 999 immediately. Better to make safety plans and not have to use them.

I'm very much in favour of dc having a good relationship with both parents where possible so personally I would stick with not loving each /not being able to live together /not being happy as an explanation. Depending on their ages they may be aware of more than you realise anyway but not badmouthing the other parent, for me, is preferable. My dc figured their father out for themselves anyway.

[RainbowDashed]

I know you probably think I'm minimising, but he won't get violent. He would have done by now if he was going to. Its the emotional stuff that I'm bothered about and being in public wont change that. I'm just going to make sure the girls aren't here when I tell him.

[Babieseverywhere]

Ps. Please make sure you are out of the house in public, when you tell him to leave...just in case.

[Babieseverywhere]

(((Hugs))) Glad you got sleep. Sounds like you have a plan.

I would be honest but limited with the kids.

Explain briefly that everyone deserves to live with people who are kind and respectful to them. Daddy has not been very kind and respectful to mummy, so he will be living elsewhere. Tell them that BOTH mummy and daddy love you very much.

[RainbowDashed]

God I'm so self absorbed. Thank you for all your input. The different stories and experiences have just highlighted that there is no easy answer and I have to think it through and do what suits me, but above all be flexible with future plans.

[RainbowDashed]

Wrt custody, he works very long hours and has frequent trips abroad. He also has health issues. If he finds a way to have custody of the children, when he couldn't find a way to help me when I was on my knees with exhaustion, well that says a lot about him doesn't it? The only way he could manage it would be if his parents moved to our town. Or if he used me as his childminder/babysitter, in which case I would be better off having custody anyway (you'd think).

Tbh if he ends up being an eow dad he'd still have more time with them than he does now.

[RainbowDashed]

Morning

Babieseverywhere is my oldest friend and the support she's given me has been second to none.

I know there's a WA (or similar) near me, ironically I have an acquaintance who is a social worker and I've helped her out collecting toiletries and groceries for women helped by them.

The advice I have for now is not to make any major decisions until I feel better. I've had a bit of a breakdown and I'm off work. There is no doubt in my mind that this marriage is over, I just need to work out when and where. I honestly don't feel I am in any physical danger (would have gone like a shot of I was) and I am detached from him emotionally now. He has a face on him like a kicked puppy, he said that he feels guilty and like a despicable human being and I think he's waiting for me to forgive him so that he can start to feel better about himself.

I'm actually not at home, I stayed in a hotel last night, so I had time on my own to sleep and think.

I think I will ask him to leave, and to go without upsetting the children. I've been looking into finances, benefits etc and I can afford to stay in the house, for a while at least, long enough to make it clear to him that unless he behaves like a responsible parent I will move home. I don't give a shit what he says to me, it's meaningless now, but if he uses the kids to get to me then I will remove them from the situation too.

I have so many questions, is it ok if I keep asking here?

The main one at the moment is what to say to the children. I do want them to have a decent relationship with him. Do I just say we have separated because we don't want to love together any more? Or do I say anything about his behaviour?

[NameChange30]

I agree that anecdotal examples of other cases are not particularly helpful, and the OP needs legal advice (as I said in my very first post!) OP please consider contacting your local Women's Aid as your lovely friend suggested and/or calling the Rights of Women helpline as I suggested. Babieseverywhere is there for you and I'm sure others are too.

[Babieseverywhere]

I wish your friend all the best in the future and hope she gets a good outcome.

However your friends story is not helpful or relevant to the OP. She needs to seek her own independant advice for her own situation.

Women's aid, police and family solicitors have correct legal advice, parenting forums are well meaning posters but are not experts in this area and I include me.

I am leaving his thread now, as I don't want to muddy the waters and OP needs all the support she can get. :)

[Morasssassafras]

Babieseverywhere Thanks for that.

I'll let my friend who has been stuck somewhere she doesn't want to be for the past year know that she can move today. Never mind multiple cafcass assessments and what the judge has said. If she wins the case her abusive ex will likely put in an appeal to stop her too.

Op a lot will depend on whether your H will spend £££ in court to stop you. You know him best.

[Babieseverywhere]

Right. I have just got off the phone with the national women's aid helpline. 0808 2000 247.

The experts said the following :-

: The majority of domestic abuse is mental and threatening not physical (which surprises me) However partners may turn to being physical is they think their control is slipping.

: Mothers legally CAN move to any part of the UK without fathers permission.

: Moving for friend/family support is common and will NOT lead to you losing your children.

: They recommend moving first and then notifying the police and social services of where you have moved to and why.

: They repeated leaving is the most dangerous part of an emotionally abusive relationship and to be cautious and be safe when doing so.

: They also said contact in such cases are arranged at a half way point to minimise travel to both parties.

: She repeated that mothers do not lose custody or have to pay all contact costs when they left due to an controlling relationship.

There is a local number and drop in centre close to you Rainbowdashed But I won't post unless you want as it identifies your local town.

This is your decision to make, I just want to make sure you have access to the correct information to base that decision on.

Your kids will stay with you, he will have visitation. You would both pay for contact travelling.

((((Hugs))))

[post edited by MNHQ]

[dulcefarniente]

If he is EA he may push for custody just to stop her plans. If he can demonstrate that he can set up suitable childcare and it's less disruptive for the dcs he could get it.

[BrieAndChilli]

A colleagues ex wife recently decided to move 100 miles away, she had gotten a new job. He took her to court and actually won custody. I was very surprised as was under the impression that the moth way wins unless a drug addict or something equally damaging for the kids
so be warned that fathers are treated much more equally wen it comes to custody now and a court may rule for him to have custody.

[Babieseverywhere]

I am almost positive he wouldn't want 50/50. He loves his children but it wouldn't fit in with his work commitments.

[LeaLeander]

Move. He doesn't care about them if he was willing to put them in the middle of your relationship problems and get them all upset. What a complete jackass.

They'll be better off with extended family in your home turf. Lots of kids change schools it's not the end of the world.

[dulcefarniente]

My exh moved 200 miles away to be with the OW. Dd stayed with me and he does all the travelling for contact so that she isn't subjected to spending loads of time stuck in a car. Would you be taking them back to visit their father, expecting him to come to see the dcs or would he be prepared to do a half way handover? Don't underestimate the costs involved in petrol, accommodation etc if you're not doing half way handovers.

Is he likely to want to attend school events/parents evenings etc? How easy would that be to arrange? Are your dcs likely to be upset if he can't attend? Would they blame you?

A friend tried to take her dcs and move closer to family for the support when she left her EA xh. Although it was a shorter distance than in your case he got the court involved immediately and prevented her from doing it. She had to go through a very longwinded mediation process and it was very messy. She ended up with 50/50 custody.

[cantakerouscow]

How do you think he'd take it if you said you wanted to move? You describe him as not particularly involved with the children. Have you ever discussed what sort of arrangements for sharing the children you would put in place if you split? i.e do you think he's an EOW or 50:50 type? This would have a big impact on how he might feel about it.

I'm kind of in disagreement to the majority who've posted so far and think you should seriously consider the move if you think it would set you and your children up for a good life day to day. This is particularly true if you don't imagine him being really involved on a day to day basis, which it sounds like he wouldn't be.

He might make lots of noise but that doesn;t mean he'd probably follow any of it through. Think what would make you happy long term...

[Babieseverywhere]

I have Googled some reasonable legally sources. In general UK courts do not stop mothers moving within the UK with children. As long as it is not to avoid contact with the father and that reasonable contact between children and father are maintained.

Yes I am a RL friend who has already offered pick up and accommodation services...with plenty of gin on the side.

Rainbowdashed....text me if you want me to get proper legal advice off my solicitor friend. Stay safe.

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

When I told him to.leave, he went to speak to them. I have no idea what he said but they were hysterical, begging me to let him stay. I caved.

Fuck knows what he said to them - but he's not someone with their best interests at heart if he can do that to them, is he?

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

OP - if I was you, I would move back to mum, sister and friends without a backward glance. A father who is abusive to the mother of his children, is not one I would stay around.

Abusive men don't deserve to be fathers. Children deserve to be be free of abusive men.