Tips/advice. How to get over the grief of an ex wife.

[1DAD2KIDS]

Back ground. Wife left me and the kids for another man and moved two hours drive away. I am now a working single dad.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster over the last year. Every time I think I have things under control it seems heart ache and sadness is always waiting to appear again to kick me down. I have discovered so much hidden truth on this journey. I have finally opened my eyes to years of lies, minipulation, emotional and some physical abuse. And of course to top it off she left me with two young children for a new life with the man she had been having an affair with. So now I have realised her true colours and definitely don't want her back why do I still feel so much loss and hurt for the married life I once had.

I am sorry that keep posting on here but it is my only outlet for my emotions. Now I am a single parent it is isolating. Basically I was fine again. Felling good in my self and also getting out there with a bit of OLD. Really putting my wife back. At the weekend we had a christening for the boy and my ex come down for it and stayed (we keep on good terms as I don't believe in keeping bad blood). Anyway we were for a couple of days a family again. It was so sweet having us both put our daughter to bed and share times with the kids. The kids loved having their mum around as they don't see her alot. When she left to home it let me see how much me and the kids have missing from our life's. How I so wish the kids could have the family life they deserve. Also reminded me of how loney I am on an adult level. Working and bringing up kids without an adult to connect with and share my world with.

I made a horrible mistake tonight that has made me hit rock bottom again emotionally. I looked at our wedding photos. There is one of our first dance. We are embracing, touching foreheads and looking lovingly into each others eyes. It captured the true love we had for each other. I love I never lost throughout our marriage. Broke my heart to realise what had been lost. Despite how abusive she was I know once she really did love me. I would never want to be back with her as I know now her poisonous nature deep down (don't think she can help it, she has issues from her past). But it's still gutting to have lost the family unit we should have, to have lost my best friend and lover and to know that there is know one who looks into my eyes so lovingly any more.

To clarify it is over. I don't love her and don't want her back. But I hurt so much for the life me and the children have lost (if that makes sense). What can I do to stop these attacks of sadness and loneliness come back and hitting me in the gut? I am so sick of feeling like this.

[1DAD2KIDS]

Thanks everyone. I am feeling alot better. It's just sometimes I still get these attacks of raw emotions. They often just come out the blue and its like the whole world is spinning like crazy again. Also some days I guess I just get a little worn out with work and the kids. I get to watch about an 1hr of tv a week excluding kids tv (dam cbeebies). Sometimes I am just waiting for the kids to go to bed so I can get some housework done. As much as it is a pleasure to bring them up the constant grind does get me down sometimes.

Like I say I do try and get time to see their mum. At the moment it's about every two weeks and about 50% of the time she stays at my house to see them. I am not happy with them staying at her boyfriends house as he does weed, has paranoia problems and has been abusive to her when he dated her as a 17 YO (he is her step cousin). So they normally stay at her parents house. The problem is her parent (especially her step dad) hate what she has done and it normally results in arguments and the kids having to come back home early.

But yes time is healing and I can see the results. But it is taking time and it is made harder by the fact for various reasons I can't get a clean break from my ex and she will be around for a long time. So my only real choice to make things smooth and fair for everyone is to embrace her continuous involvement in my life and work with her to influence the best results for the kids. I guess the hardest thing is waiting for time to heal.

The hard thing is I have awsome friends and family but I still feel so alone in an area that family, kids and friends can't fill. Going to bed and waking up to that empty space where the one I loved used to lay still gets to me sometimes. It also makes me feel so sad for my mum. My dad die when I was 16. She was so heart broken. My dad was the only man for her as far as she was concerned and she has never been with anyone else. Now as an adult I truly appreciate the sadness and loneliness she feels.

It also kind of rubbish that I am of an age where all my friend are now hooked up, getting married and having kids. But I already did that years ago and bought the t-shirt. My friend are great and I know it's not this way but I still feel a little bit like a spare part. I must admit it hurts a little when I see the genuine love and tenderness between my mates and their partners. It's so ironic that I feel this way because before I met my ex I had no visions or need of marriage and kids. She started off as a drunken one night stand with a stranger. I was totally not looking to fall in love. But as we got talking there was a connection there not just strong sexual chemistry and our relationship quickly grew. I would have been quite happy single just travelling the globe serving queen and country looking for new adventures. She made me understand what it is to truly fall in love with someone. It's funny how one woman can turn your life around. And on the whole (bar this sorry state of affairs) for the better. So I do have that to thank her for. Yes she way hard to be with sometimes, yes she was abusive (mental and physically) and ultimately she did me right overy. But we had some great times too and lots of happy and fun memories too. Despite being horible at times she could be very caring and had stood with me through some sad times. I alway thought that we would always stand together no matter what. Although I am very angry with her deep down I don't hate her. She is why I am where I am today settled, with two great kids, not thousands of miles away in some dusty hot shit hole again. My children give me great purpose and a chance to leave something good and beneficial to the world long after my passing. They are my inheritance to the world. So it is massively important to me that I raise them right. It is shit the way it's ended but at least some good came of our relationship. I suppose I can try take comfort it that?

Sorry for going on so much but this is the only real way for me to offload what's going on in my head.

[winkywinkola]

Dad, you sound like you're beyond coping. You're managing it all very well indeed.

Your children are lucky that you are their rock.

They will miss their mum terribly. Can she be encouraged to see them more?

Life will get easier and your pain will subside. It is so hard to lose what you had.

[clashofclanswidow]

Dad, I think you are doing a fantastic job!

Read this whole thread and can completely relate to everything you have said. My partner has just left me, pregnant, for someone else.

So I can agree with what you say about how you feel your ex has snatched your family away etc and the life you thought you had planned.

We recently had to spend the day together when oldest was ill in hospital and it does feel like a setback seeing them for a longer period than "handover" because when you are together and getting on, it does make you wonder why you have even seperated.

Everyone says it to me but I am slowly learning to accept that simply it will just take time and that we are actually allowed to feel these emotions as it all contributes to healing and if it takes years, then so be it! I will be better prepared for future relationships I hope.

Just try not to wallow in them too much where it starts affecting daily life - if I find this happening, I find something to distract myself.

I'm sorry I can't offer you much advice as I'm still going through this myself but one piece of advice I took on board from another thread on here, was to always keep your head high as it is YOU who is providing the best life for you and your kids and THEM that will have this decision on their conscience for the rest of their lives - whether they come to realise that now or later, it will happen inevitably. Rather him than me.

Just wanted to give you a friendly (non patronising) pat on the back =)

[RosyCat]

To be honest, however hard this process of realising what you had, why it didn't work and how it is making you feel now is, I think you are doing absolutely the right thing.

You are facing and properly processing your emotions, spending some time on your own (not jumping into another relationship right away) and getting your head round things.

Coming to terms with things is never easy, but giving yourself the space to heal properly is making you a stronger and better person in the long run. You will have times in the healing process when it is painful, but you do also realise that some beauty was present in your relationship and that has manifested itself in your children, so the process won't all be horrible.

In the long run, you are far more likely to have a happy life by letting yourself both reflect on the past and feel like. And far more likely to have a happy and string relationship in the future, if that's what you decide you want.

[springydaffs]

i am just trying my best to look after everyone's needs.

Except yours by the sound of it..

Having her for days in your house is bound to set you back. Yes you did it for the kids but it wasn't the right thing for you - it opened up the wound that is still fresh.

Glad to hear you're getting angry sometimes - a sure sign of healing. I don't agree with you about anger being fruitless ; imo anger can be a great force for good. It's how we use anger is the thing - there are many ways to use it and, yes, some ways are fruitless but that doesn't mean anger of itself is fruitless.

Do take great care of yourself. You are, your heart is, fragile and you need to guard it to give it the space to heal. Don't forget to look after yourself too while you're looking after the kids.

[Hissy]

1Dad it's ok to be sad/lonely/devastated/confused/whatever

What has happened to you was a seismic blowup your very core. It's right to feel abjectly awful, what has happened is the death of hope that she'll ever be the person you hoped she could be.

Keep talking, this stuff is all still very new. Have you called Mankind? It might help to have a voice conversation with someone who understands at first hand?

We're all still here, as long as you need us.

It does get better. It really does.

[blindsider]

1Dad

You are doing a great job, don't give up on OLD there are lots of great women on there and a lot less great men so you will have pick of the bunch;-)

Although it might be early days since you have bought the house the sooner you get your divorce finalised the better as any Woman prepared to dump her kids to shack up with her new man won't have any qualms in attempting to fleece you. You want to push for a clean break and sole custody should see you with 100% of the house and no maintenance either as she is cohabiting.

[1DAD2KIDS]

Luckily I won't have to redecorate because she has never lived in this house. She left me right before I completed on our dream home. It was a pain getting the mortgage sorted in my only name with the bank. Luckily it was all based all on my earnings as she has never really earned alot (just a couple of hrs a week cleaning people's houses). It was a pain in the ass moving our families possessions on my own. Luckily a mate helped me with the actual move of the large stuff but I had to pack and unpack myself. Yet again left in the shit by her. Luckily she had the kids at least. A lot of her stuff is everywhere in the new house. Like her nicnaks in the bedside draws on her side or all her cake baking stuff (I think i'll keep that as I do like to bake the occasional cake). I didnt have the time to get it all divided when I move because time was short and there was only one of me. Plus at this point I still hadn't given up on our future so thought one day we may be together again. When I get time I will clear this this stuff.

[MadisonMontgomery]

Of course you are going to grieve for what could have been - that is totally normal and it will take as long as it takes. I definitely think you need to pack her stuff up, maybe you could redecorate or something to make the house more 'yours'?

I know it's hard right now and it must feel like she's out having fun etc, but in a few years when your children are old enough to really understand what happened I think she will really regret leaving them, whereas you will have moved on & have a great life.

[1DAD2KIDS]

It's a fair point about the photos and stuff. I really must get the stuff of hers boxed and ready for to take one day. Its just getting the free time to do this. There again i am having to sort out the mess she made. The photos I won't burn as they are part of my history and something for the kids to see when they are older. But I definitely need do something sanitise my house of her. All the stuff I bought her over the years. My daughter has adopted all the teddy bears she left so not escaping those memories. Anyway it's not the teddy's fault.

0dfod thanks for sharing your story. It gives me hope. Just for the record am I not looking to jump into a serious relationship at this point in time. Just some friendship and company. My OLD profile reflects this and I have found there are many women in the same boat. But one day I will be ready but not yet. I can see there is hope for the future, so thanks. Also I am dyslexic so forgive my typos. My phone however is not dyslexic, it just thinks it's funny to make a mug of me.

[blindsider]

I made a horrible mistake tonight that has made me hit rock bottomagain emotionally. I looked at our wedding photos


You should try and resist looking back, Try and see yourself as having a lucky escape and now having the ability to meet someone you deserve to be with.

When my ex asked me as she was moving out whether I wanted to keep the wedding photos I informed her that if she left them they would be on the fire within 5 minutes of her departure..

[1DAD2KIDS]

Shat on that's right. That's how it feels.

Sorry but today I feel angry, bitter and need to vent off.

It don't seem fair that she get to swan off off enjoying weekends away, buying new sexy underwater and dresses and just enjoying all the fun and romance with her new man. At the same time I am dumped in the shit working hard and raising a family. Our children were no accident, they were planed and supposed to be a team effort. I ment every word of our marriage vows. She didn't even want to try. It doesn't seem fair for all the years of love and devotion I gave to her. So yes a am a little bitter today.

Sorry to rant but I disagree with what SajStar said. We are all free to express our views and this is mine. We all hurt in different ways and are affected in different ways. SajStar's level of insensitivity reminds me of that baboon Katie Hopkins. I suppose in the same way she would say my close friend who suffers PTS from his time in Afghanistan should just sucked it up and man the fuck up? For me this has been the hardest thing I have had to face and has cut me in two. I thought not letting this let me fall apart and raising a family on my own was manning up enough. Maybe I should stop trying to tackle my feelings and just do press ups instead? Push all them feelings deep deep down. That would be a mature way of sorting my self. Then I would be a real man like Donald Trump. What great advice.

[wannabestressfree]

You will meet the right person and they will be patient and kind and deserving of your love. It is so hard when you have been shat on to rebuild but everyone else is right. Time is a great healer as naff as it sounds. These things are bound to happen to knock you back...
You are doing a wonderful job. It's bloody hard on your own..

[1DAD2KIDS]

Yesterday was a bad day. It is hard when so much memories are everywhere in my house. So much of her stuff is still here.

I am still swimming around trying to keep on top of these emotions.
Loss
Loneliness
Sadness
Anger
Abandonment
Betrayal
Worry

I keep getting on top of them and then they grab me and try and pull me under. I hard to concentrate on what makes me happy because part of what made me happy has been taken away. Despite her being abusive I was proud of or marriage as stupid as it sound. Especially back then I wasn't aware of all the lies she was telling to control me all those years. I had no idea her commitment to me wasn't anywhere near as strong as mine for her. I thought we would always work things out because we love each other equally.

One of my worries for the future is how will this affect my future relationships. I know it has damaged me and totally altered my view of relationships. I doubt my ability to trust again or fully commit to any future relationship.

[Twinklestein]

Until then just focus on what makes you happy - spending time with your kids, hanging out with friends. Be kind to yourself, you've been through a lot.

[Kirk123]

You are doing so well , I too am a year on and that bloody roller coaster is awful , you are so in touch with emotional feelings I would be proud if you were my brother , looking after 2 kids with dignity and with no angry and bitterness just sadness I and many others on here are walking your journey DAD keep your head held high and one day you will look on the memories and not be sad anymore ( that's what I am hoping for too ) good luck you win my father of the year award 🎉😇

[Twinklestein]

1DAD you sound like a really lovely guy.

It will take some time to get over the heartbreak, you'll have times when you feel like you're winning, and then times when something blows your heart open like this weekend, and it feels like it will always hurt. But it will get better I promise.

You will win in the end, I do believe that.

You're so young. Many people your age are starting their first marriage, I have a friend who's 45 and she's not been married the first time yet. You've so much time to find someone else. To find someone who can give love the way you can. Who will love your kids.

Apart from anything else ex Forces + rugby + gym bunny makes you a marketable commodity. I'm not surprised you had lots of interest. It's worth remembering that, and that your ex is not the only woman in the world, she's not even particularly nice.

One day when you feel a bit stronger, a bit more healed and you have some spare time you could try dating again.

[LargeMomentumTransfer]

It does all change. The pain does go away, the waves die down eventually never immediately. Focus on your kids, get comfortable with being single, relish it even. If you can be 'complete' with yourself by yourself, you will attract someone else eventually, but don't push it let it happen naturally. Make sure you put your kids first and be wary that your ex may one day try to have custody of them when she is more settled and the rosy glow wears off. Good luck

[HeddaGarbled]

It's a cliche, but it will get better with time. Really it will.

In the meantime, stop torturing yourself. No more looking at wedding photos or letting your ex stay over etc. Put your mementoes away somewhere safe for a few years. Facilitating the children's contact with her doesn't mean you have to see her other than for handovers.

Don't worry about whether your feelings are illogical or not. They are your feelings and you are allowed to feel them.

I expect everyone is encouraging you to rush into a new relationship. You don't have to if you don't feel ready yet. One year isn't long to grieve for the loss of what you wanted and thought you had. You are so young yet, plenty of time to get back on the dating scene in the future if you want to. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself. Don't expose yourself to unnecessary pain out of a misguided feeling that you need to put everyone's happiness above what you can cope with right now.

[RandomMess]

You know I think it just take time, a long time and sometimes a friend to sit alongside you and listen and acknowledge how much it hurts.

In 4 years time you really won't feel the same and in a decade life will have moved on again.

[1DAD2KIDS]

My experience in life tells me that anger doesn't solve much and no one wins a war without grave loss. Unfortunately I am always ready to take a harder line with her but as long as I can keep things calm and fair then I don't need a harder line. I am trying my best to include her in th kids life's as they need a mother too. Even if she ain't going to win mother of the year award. I am just trying my best to look after everyone's needs. Yes I think my ex turn out to be not a great person. But I just can't see her that way, as the emany. She has had a bad past. I tried to show her love and goodness that I see in the world. But ultimately she could never be happy in her self.

My focus here is to find away to ease my pain and sadness.

[RandomMess]

You know I think you just need to accept that there is some grieving still to do. It is sad that your DC are missing out on the family unit, it is sad that you once did love each other so much, it is sad that you still very much loved her the whole time.

Perhaps by letting yourself acknowledge that it is sad and painful it won't eat away at you long term but will end naturally once you're ready. I don't mean wallow it I just mean accept that it is painful rather than bury it.

[1DAD2KIDS]

Thanks I do have good friends. I am 32 and have already lived an interesting life. Most of my friends are now starting to get married. So I am on a different part of the board from them. Because I work full time I don't want to use must of my free time not being with the kids. I love playing with them and value this time together as they grow so fast. This is probably why the OLD idea was a bad idea because I don't have the time. Lots of interest though that was a nice suprise. I am arranging a couple of play dates with friends who have kids.