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Relationships

Is my husband abusive or is he having a breakdown?

35 replies

Shroom1976 · 23/02/2016 07:30

I've been with my husband for 10 years, married for 3, I have 3 sons from previous relationship and we have one daughter together who is 6. During the 10 years life has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. My husband has provided a beautiful home for us all, and has given my 3 sons a good life, but he often brings up that he's had enough of the burden of paying for them. He has also had to deal with some very difficult financial situations which results in him getting stressed out which has had a serious effect on our relationship. When he's angry he says the most horrible things to me, name calling (I'm adopted and one of the things he uses against me in arguments is that I'm an adopted f....d up freak) he has no limit to the name calling, and even resorts to saying I don't love my children! I'm lazy, a slut, no wonder my ex had an affair, etc, the list is endless. After the arguments (with a day or 2 of ignoring him and staying out of his way) he would apologise and say he didn't mean it but what I have to realise is that he's under so much pressure and stress, and things just get on top of him. We don't have much of a sexual relationship as he isn't highly sexed and never gets aroused just by kissing/touching or even if im naked. However I know that he has looked at transgender porn in the past and this has obviously had a negative effect on how I feel about him sexually too. I don't look at his computer to see if he's still looking at this sort of porn, but I have my suspicions. For 3 years, we haven't had a massive bust up, but unfortunately his dad died suddenly in the middle of December and my husband was devastated with this shocking news which sent him into a very dark place. I was very patient with him and tried my best to support him and his mother through the pain, but 4 weeks ago on a Saturday he said that he will only be happy when he's dead and he meets his father again. So I firmly told him that his dad would not want him to think like that and that he had a family who loves him etc, and that he needed to carry on with life for the rest of the family. He reacted in a negative way towards me and said that I had no compassion. That night we had a big argument and he stormed off to the pub. The next morning he text me (I was sleeping in spare bedroom) and said he wanted a divorce and he wanted me to move out. So I came upstairs and said, ok yes I'll move out. He then started the Vile name calling and saying how I had no compassion for him. So I calmly said that the reason I had no compassion was because my feelings towards him have changed and I don't love him like I use to. With this he jumped out of bed, grabbed me by the neck and threw me on the bed with his whole body weight ontop of mine, head butting me and grinding his head into mine whilst strangling me. I thought I was going to die. I screamed and my 15 year old son came running up the stairs, so my husband stopped what he was doing. I called the police, he was arrested and has a one year community sentence with a restraining order. In the meantime he has been contacting me crying, saying how sorry he is, how devastated he is for doing this to me and that he is getting councilling as he believes it's happened as a result of a nervous breakdown. I know he is prone to depression, as past experiences have proven this, but what he is saying is that he wants us to go for councilling together and he really wants to "fix me" as he says its him who has done this, so it's his responsibility to make it better again. He wants me to lift the restraining order and start over again...... I'm so emotionally depleted and anxious. If I thought it was a genuine breakdown I would like to try and save my marriage, but if it's just plain and simple abuse, I know I have to leave. Please give your comments, I need impartial advice! X

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springydaffs · 24/02/2016 09:46

And don't let him in! It is important you are not alone with him. He is a dangerous man. Try to get your head around that. The physical assault was not a blip, it was a step up from the disgusting verbal assaults he had been subjecting you to as a matter of course. He will hurt you again given the chance - particularly if you don't bow to his manipulations.

I fear for you being alone with him in that last 'look I have an erection' incident. It could easily have gone so very differently.