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Epic letter to XH - throwing it into the wind and letting it all go

30 replies

BuntCunting · 22/02/2016 14:34

To XH,

I admit I am writing this email for selfish reasons. Yesterday you did something that after everything was the final straw. I had an epiphany as a result though. This will be the last time I will converse with you about anything other than contact arrangements for the girls. I don’t care if you read this in full, print it out and stick it on your fridge or if you delete it before reading a single word. I am doing this for me.

Let me explain. Last night you informed me you would be taking our girls on holiday to Disney Land Paris. I will admit I was gutted by this news. It was always my dream to take my children to Disney Land for the first time. But you already knew that, didn’t you. You already knew this because it’s something I talked about a lot. I was so desperate to take them that I even asked if we could take them together despite the fact that we were separated at that point. You remember me spending a few days researching it all, finding the best price etc. I remember. I remember because it was January 2014 and I’d just paid for Christmas 2013 and E’s 3rd birthday. I remember because I was on my arse financially having just moved out of our house and in to rental. I remember because you had promised to pay me back your half of Christmas with January’s rent. I was going to use that money to pay some off the Disney Land holiday I so desperately wanted to take my children on. But you never did pay me back. Not then and not in the three years since. So I never did get to book that dream holiday. I told myself that I would get out of debt (debt that I built up throughout our relationship) and I would save for as long as it took so that I could take them myself.

It was never your dream to do that with them, was it? I have an excellent memory XH, as you well know. Never, not once did you ever talk about taking them to Disney Land. I know you hate the French with a passion. You like lazy holidays in hot countries with swimming pools and a bar so you can get drunk. You barely even enjoy doing activities with the kids, you don’t even like theme parks. Disney Land is your idea of hell. But this isn’t the first time you’ve done this. Remember when you told me you wanted to take the children to Lapland last Christmas? I remember for the same reasons I remember all this. A holiday in a freezing cold country that centres on nothing but activities for the kids, that’s about as far away from a drunken pool holiday as you can get. And also coincidentally the only other place I was desperate to take my children one day. I begged you not to steal that dream. You know my idea of a good holiday is the polar opposite of yours. There are a million places in the world that have little Britain in the sun. Your kind of places. So why don’t you want to take your children there? Why has it been that the only places that you want to take them are the places that I am desperate to take them?

I’m not really asking. I already know the answer. I realised it last night, an epiphany if you will. Because as with so many of your purposes for living, this is to get back at me, to hurt me, to steal my dreams, to reap the rewards of my hard work. Because you hate me. I don’t fully understand why you hate me, but I know you do. But I confess to still sometimes wondering the reasons for this, like I wondered so often when we were still together. The many, many, many nights, angry, tearful, kick you in your stomach painful nights where I wondered why you treated me so badly when all I did was love you, care for you, stand by you, stay faithful to you, bear your children for you. But enough now. I am done caring about your reasons, done caring about your feelings, done trying to get along with you for our children’s sake. Because I know now it’s impossible to get along with someone who treats you like the enemy, whose sole purpose in life it to tear you down. Today I am taking back control. As of today you no longer exist to me. So take back your memories. Have them all. Keep them, they’re yours. I no longer have a use for them, no need to remind myself of all the shit you’ve put me through as a warning on how to deal with you. Because I won’t be dealing with you. Not after today.

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Tearsoffrustration · 23/02/2016 18:09

Aw filling up reading this