I'm so upset. I think I'm being bullied

[Peppaismyhomegirl]

Hello.
I'm not normally the type to feel hard done by. But I'm really upset and it's effecting me constantly and I need to get past it. It's a childish story and I'm embarrassed that I'm in it, even more embarrassed that I'm not coping.
A year ago I decided to cut ties with a friend of mine as she hasn't been nice to me or a good friend for a while, it was upsetting as she had been my friend for many years,
But her behaviour had pushed me to far. I wanted to keep it amicable as all our friends are mutual friends.
To cut the story short, fast forward a year and I have lost nearly all my friends. There has been some sort of hate campaign "if your her friend, your not my friend" kinda thing and they all sides with the main group. I few still talk to me, and are nice but they will go out with the others and are very involved with them. My contact is hidden and private so not to draw attention to the fact the still speak to me I guess. The group of girls did some really nasty things to me and I dread to think what they tell people behind me back, I've noticed a lot of random friends have blocked me on FB so I guess stuff is being said that I did or something?!
Anyway, I'm deverstated. I keep waking up crying and I can't seem to get past the fact I was so easy to turn their back on, just like that. No body stuck up for me. No body at any point said "let's be adult about this" I was fully prepared to make things work just take a step back from one person but they all went after me. My life started really getting good and huge things have happened to me and no one has been there to share them with me. I was there for all of their big moments. I am compleatly alone for mine. I didn't do anything I don't think? I keep going back through my mind thinking what did I do wrong? What's wrong with me for this to happen?
im pg and hormonal so I guess it doesn't help the situation. But how do I get past this. How do I get past the unfairness of it all, the loneliness and the fact I am so worthless to so many people that after years of me being their for them, they just turn their backs and say awful things about me to anyone who will listen.
I'm struggling with who I am, maybe they are right. That's my biggest fear, maybe they are all right about me and I fear for my kids that they will turn out like me

[Allbymyselfagain]

Oh I've been there OP. Twice in fact.

It's not you. These people need people to follow them. Both times I got kicked because I refused to just blindly do what they said or agree with them. First time was because she said I wasn't allowed to talk to a friend anymore. I stood up to her, I got kicked and the ostracised friend was invited back into the group to rub salt in. I see them about occasionally they all still hang on her every word and she still regularly sends people to Coventry. She's 35 and acts like a 12 yr old and I feel sorry for her now. She must be pretty insecure to have to play those games and honestly, it must be exhausting.

Second was when a woman in the group came out with some disabilist rant, I challenged and got kicked. Thankfully I don't live near them anymore.

If people can turn their back they are not friends and you are better off without them. Each time I had a wallow and then got out and joined a group or club and made new friends. I know your feeling emotional right now and that's ok, I believe women form stronger bonds in friendship than a relationship sometimes so it feels like a break up but it will pass. Can you do some volunteering or help out with something your DC does? Anything to bring new people into your circle.

[dustmyduvet]

Through recent events in my life I have come to accept some difficult truths. I like to think everybody is basically good but that occasionally they make bad choices and mistakes. No, some people are inherently "bad", their well being will always come first, and they will destroy others without a backward glance.

There are also a large number of people who desperately do not want to rock their own world. Their priority is to protect themselves from the fall out of other people's lives. It's not that they don't care for you, but they are too scared and not strong enough to stand up for you and against somebody else.

This does not reflect on you, it reflects upon them.

Your Queen Bee is poison. You are this season's victim, you won't be the last.

I have a "friend" at the moment who has betrayed me in a way that has taken my breath away. I KNOW I have done nothing, quite the opposite, she is simply selfish, callous and seeking only to satisfy her own needs. I have confided in one mutual friend who is equally shocked at her behaviour.

I will tell no one else, but simply disengage from her. Part of me would like to share my upset with other friends in the group. However, I know they will wish to protect their status and position. This will involve either denying what she's doing, trying to explain it away, or turning against me. I am not worrying about why my friend has acted as she did. It's over and so for me is our friendship.

I too am worried about trusting people in the future. But that would mean turning down an opportunity like tonight, where I am meeting up with a friend whom I only met fairly recently. I am more guarded, do not share so quickly and easily, but I'm not going to give up.

You sound like you've had a wonderful string of life events. So sorry you won't be able to share them with people you thought were friends. You will meet new people though, and be well-armed for the future.

[alphabook]

This sounds like the film Mean Girls.

Ultimately, they all want the Queen Bee's approval, and they don't want to be her next victim. I can imagine they all know exactly what she's like, but they're too afraid to stand up to her.

These people are not your friends, and in the long term you'll probably realise she's done you a favour. No relationship at all is better than a toxic one, and that goes for friendships too.

Block and delete these people, and focus on moving on with your life and enjoying the good things that are happening for you.

[TheBouquets]

I don't understand why people do these things. It is so stupid.
It is awful to be the one cut out but think through other friendships such as do you still have any contact with people from school or college or university or previous work place. If so you can not be all the things QB is making out. How do you get on with family. If that is OK, they are the people who have known you longest. These people will destroy your confidence. I don't believe that there is anything wrong with you. I think QB has to do these things to bolster herself.
Don't be eager to rejoin the group learn from this and move on with your head held high.

[springydaffs]

Like us!

See? Lots of us have been where you are. Don't take it personally! That's what she wants (bcs she's gruesome)

[Neon1077]

I have been lurking for a couple of weeks but seeing your post made me want to sign up to reply. 2.5 years ago I went through something very similar. I met a group through my first my child, let my guard down and decided to trust these women). In hindsight I can see that the gut feelings I had about one of the women were accurate. The alpha woman was a very jealous, unhappy person and extremely manipulative and vindictive. She was unable to see herself in the wrong, always portraying herself as some kind of victim. To many she appeared generous, kind and supportive. These characteristics were a front for a nasty personality underneath.

I realised there is nothing you can do with these people. It's unfair but they are bloody clever and good at what they do. Only those who have their opens wide open will realise what is going on and most don't want to see it. Most will just appease these women because they don't want to be blacklisted within the group. I was a strong independent person. Happy to be part of the crowd but not to the extent that I had to conform.

In hindsight I'm pleased I witnessed her behaviour earlier because it brought an end to weak insincere friendships. These people were too easy to turn against me. We aren't true friends. Just like those who have turned against you aren't true friends. It bloody hurts. She turned friends against me at a very vulnerable stage in my life. I would never have treated any of those women the way they treated me. In fact I would always help them where I could and support them. Like you, when it came to my time they weren't seen for dust.

I could go more into my situation but I'm not sure how much it will help. Only to say I really understand you. You aren't alone in how you feel and it's really horrible. I used to surf the net looking for answers. I question now whether she is a narc. It would make sense.

Time will help you but it's frustrating dealing with the pain and hurt you feel in the meantime. Know these weren't your friends. We really have so few true friends, I feel it's something you find out the older you get. I'm almost 40 and I've been going through a friendship crisis of sorts for the last 2.5 years.

The 'friend' will never change. She will continue to hurt people the way she has hurt you. Anyone she continues to see as competition or a threat. The woman I knew was probably very jealous. She had an unhappy marriage, unhappy living situation and didn't really like the skin she was in. None of this was my fault but she honed in on me as a way to vent her unhappiness. I saw her do it with someone before me and believe she focused on another 'friend' afterwards. She will continue to go through life like this. There will always be someone else to blame for her problems or insecurities.

It's not fair, it's not right you should be hurt in this way. But like the cliche says. It does make you stronger. You don't need people like this in your life. I have concentrated on getting to know many others since. You should too. Spread the net wide. Don't expect anything. Just be you. Stay anyway from anyone connected to this 'friend' if possible. The more distance you have the less she can hurt you. It helped me. I cut all but one tie. I didn't want anything to do with her, I blank her if see her now. She means nothing.

Don't allow the treatment you have experienced to undermine who you are as a person. Don't allow it to knock your confidence. It is unfortunate but realise a lot of the 'friends' you thought you had were fair weather friends. They were only meant to be part of your life for a season. You will meet so many more people I promise you. You will have gained invaluable life experience from this situation and if you found yourself in something similar again you'll hear alarm bells ringing and you'll be able to walk away.

This person is probably very unhappy and they derive happiness through seeing others suffer. It's a great shame you've lost so many friends but try to get some control back. unfollow friends on Facebook so you don't have to be reminded of what they are doing. Don't engage in chit chat about anyone of this group. Put up a barrier to protect yourself and separate yourself. The more you disengage from this group the better you will feel.

Focus on yourself and what makes you happy. Stop looking for answers as to why this has happened (if indeed you are). See this as a learning curve. These people are weak. You do not need weak people in your life. You now have more time to fill your life with more positive people.

💐

[SevenOfNineTrue]

Hi OP,

Really sorry this has happened to you

I'd like to relay a story that won't help but might show a different perspective. Many years ago I was, unwittingly, like one of your group of friends.

There was a group of us, all good friends and there was someone who was not part of the core group (let's call them A) but a bit more on the outskirts. Well one day my best friend at the time and part of our core group told all of us how A had hurt them. We were all upset for her and bloody annoyed that A could do this. That is all it took, A was out. Never to be invited to our outings again and cut off from any communications from us as she had hurt our friend. It was not until a few years later and our 'friend' started showing her true colours that two of us twigged that she lied about A's actions because she had a personal beef with her and had used us as a weapon against A. By that time it was way too late to change anything.

I regret what happened because, at the time, it did not occur to any of us to question our friends account of what A did.

[springydaffs]

She is the most queen bee type person I know.

There you are, that's who is behind it. Some people really are incredibly poisonous.

Darling, you've GOT to stop taking this personally. Is not you it's her. Yes it hurts like fuck to lose all your friends - the ones who don't have the guts to stand up to her - like you did - and look what's happened to you! this will make them even more terrified to stand up to her.

I'm not excusing them - she is behind this, all of it comes from her. I can't stress enough that some people are very very toxic people - you wouldn't believe it until you meet one.

Dust yourself off - you have a LOT going for you, everything in your personal circumstances is going extremely well. Take comfort from that, focus on that, try not to focus on these shocking betrayals. It's all them - led by her - NOTHING to do with you. They don't answer your question bcs they don't have anything to say, you haven't done anything! Believe me on this.

Focus on that lovely bab in your tummy, your wonderful circumstances and your lovely life that's on the up. You WILL get through this

[eddielizzard]

horrendous. i've had a similar experience a few years back. it's so horrible. someone just takes an inexplicable dislike.

best thing you can do is block all of them on Facebook. lick your wounds, be kind to yourself, stop questioning yourself and start going to new things and meet new people. very hard i know because your confidence has taken a massive hit.

i moved on and i have met some wonderful friends now. you can do it.

[Bupbupbup]

I'm sorry this is happening to you - it's truly devastating,
It sounds like you had a role in the group and when things started getting good for you, you started ™ standing up for yourself you no longer fit that role.

I promise you, soon enough the Queen Bee will turn on someone else now you're no longer there, people like that need someone to be mean to. Look back, was there someone like that when you first became friends with them.

Take time off from it, be nice to yourself, enjoy your pregnancy - I promise you it's not you it's them, I bet they all talk about each other horribly when they're not there.

Give it time, I bet in a year you'll have someone come and say they did the same to her

[tealoveryum]

You are the common denominator OP. You chose to stand up to someone who was behaving horribly and as a result you made the control and power this woman has within the group destabilise (in her eyes). So she does all she can to make you out to be the bad person and herself to be the victim because that way she stays queen bee.

Then one day, one of your ex friends will fall out with her and the same story will play out.

The 'friends' were not friends at all. You are better off without all of them. Cut your losses as hard as it is: block them all, have no contact and look at ways to make other friends. You do deserve better, I hope you find it.

[magoria]

Delete and block them all yourself.

This way you will not have to worry who has done so this week.

Also make sure your privacy settings are water tight and they cannot access your pictures.

They have complained about how bitchy the others are but still prefer to spend time with them rather than a nice person like you.

Shows they want to be popular rather than nice/friends.

You deserve better.

[Peppaismyhomegirl]

Thank you: you've really made me feel better

[MatrixReloaded]

How awful. This isn't normal behaviour from adults at all. Give yourself a pat on the back for getting rid. I'd rather be in your shoes than be on of her suck ups.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Sounds like you were confident enough to challenge her and assertive enough to drop her when she didn't treat you well. You should be proud of yourself. There is a price to be paid for that but it will be worth it. You are in a good place now to make good friends as you won't put up with being badly treated. Your pregnancy can be key to this with new moms who are at the same stage. Sounds like they liked having you in a miserable place and the dynamic has changed as you got your life together. They sound so horrible and mean. So head up. Join a class for pregnant mums. I don't know the UK so can't advise. Does your partner know what's happening? Have you a supportive family.? You don't have to have a hen. With a new baby you have the perfect excuse not to bother. You will look gorgeous on your wedding day so not an issue. I feel for you. I hope you go from strength to strength.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi op

Sorry your feeling so rubbish

I take your point that your the common denominator or so you think, thus it must be you, but she is also the other main player in this.

This sounds like a, sharks sensing blood in the water type scenario, she's circling and pulling them in to the picture too. Also from their point of view it's easier for them if they are fairly weak characters who never left the playground, to suck up to her and play the game. Let's face it none of them want to be on the receiving end of her wrath either.

It's not fair it's shit and has the potential to cause huge destruction to the person on the receiving end, you say you've had some big positive changes which sound exciting, but if she's the jealous feeling like a victim type, she won't like it and will act out and get whoever she can on her side.

So it's not you lovely leave Gru and her minions to their self appreciation society and keep on baking that little bun in your oven . None of those weak willed bitches deserve another minute of your attention.

Block delete rinse and repeat

[pallasathena]

Jealousy. The green eyed monster most likely.

[Peppaismyhomegirl]

I get so upset thinking I won't have a hen as I don't actually have many people to come or them laughing at my wedding pictures. I worry about being fat after having the baby. Like I can't give them any reason to laugh and say stuff about me anymore than they already have done. But maybe the blocking means they really don't care. I'm not sure what's worse. I just need to get over it and move on really. Not from them I'm past feeling like I need these vile girls in my life. I can't get over why they did it to me tho.

[Peppaismyhomegirl]

It's helping to know I'm not being dramatic about this. Sometimes I think maybe I'm over reacting?! I really don't think I am. I bought my first home, got engaged and pregnant with my 30th in the middle in the space of 6 months and not one of them acknowledged any of it.

[Obs2016]

Blimey. This is getting worse, the more you tell us.
I don't know what to suggest.

[Peppaismyhomegirl]

I don't want to put myself and give specifics on what she did as they will really out me. They were seriously horrible acts tho nothing petty. She nearly ruined my happiness as she didn't like it, put it that way. I guess she has in a different way because I shouldn't be feeling like this at this point in my life as it's the best it's ever been, except for this issue.
I don't know why I'm letting it bother me so much, it's unlike me. I think it's because they get "away" with it. She's very popular and everyone thinks she's wonderful and I'm left thinking "if only you knew" she is the most manipulative person I have ever met so I have no doubt there has been much shit stirring about me. Hense the mass blocking on FB (there's been 5 people this week, all people a year ago I would of said were best or close friends in our group) in the year I have had a significant birthday, and 3 major positive life events. Every single one of them have gone un acknowledged by all of them. I spoke to these people every singly day. And they havnt even aknowledgd me turning my life around. Infact they have most probably said horrible stuff about me and blocked my existence from their lives on every platform of social media. I do not exist to them

[MoominPie22]

OMG how old are these idiots? They have the emotional maturity of a primary school kid. It's ridiculous people have taken sides and ostracised you, they could have remained neutral but it seems, as others have said, that they were never genuine friends in the first place.
It's a shame to find this out the hard way tho. They sound very shallow if they're so easily influenced by the Queen Bitch! I'm not surprised this has effected your confidence...
I had someone who I considered a close friend of nrly 20yrs who turned against me cos she thought my txts came across as aggressive cos I used lots of !!! Marks Given our main communication was via txt cos I live abroad, I thought it was ludicrous that she'd let it build up so much that I got a really long, ranty email off her which there was no goin bk frm. She basically ended our friendship cos she couldn't spk to me about issues that were bothering her. All it would've taken was a chat via Messenger or Skype or on one of my visits home. But she obv didn't have it in her to tackle the problem like a rational, mature adult.
Everyone knows txts etc can b misconstrued and I'm a firm believer of actually speaking verbally to clear any misunderstandings, which obv she wasn't confident in doin. Obv our friendship wasn't worth it. So it affected my confidence cos u think "well if she's proven herself as a fake friend how the hell do I know who a genuine friend is?"
I know that I'd never end a friendship over sm txts I'd taken the wrong way. I'd at least spk with the person to clarify wot they meant!
Can u give an example of wot this girl did to upset u so that u ended the friendship? Sounds like the others are her pathetic minions who share a single brain btwn them that's influenced by her.
I think sm of us have higher standards and morals when it comes to friendships. Integrity and loyalty are pretty high on my list anyways...
But blockin u on FB isn't just a massive snub it's downright hostile imo. Mayb she's bn shit stirring about u and they believe her over u?

[Peppaismyhomegirl]

Thank you. I know your are right, I'm normally the fierce one and focus on making myself better. But I don't feel like I have the strength at the moment. I just need to be kind to myself first I think. Start with that. This is by fair the hardest thing I've ever had to cope with. And honestly some pretty rubbish things have happened to me over the years

[GruntledOne]

If these are people capable of doing really nasty things then you really don't want them as friends. You haven't done anything wrong, and I suspect the root cause is that you've grown up and they haven't. You will almost certainly make more and better friends just through things like mother and baby groups. Have a think also about activities that interest you and see if there are local groups doing them; or just have a look at what goes on locally - for instance, you might like to join a local walking group or something similar.

[pallasathena]

Some people are just plain nasty o/p. If you can detach from being so invested in what other people think that would help you to feel better and be stronger on a day to day basis.
Equally, some people get a buzz from knowing that they have the 'power' to upset others. You are giving them that power effectively by being so upset. And you're pregnant. Hormones up and down, moments of feeling horrible in yourself. You don't need these so called 'friends' you know. Get your self respect in gear, chin up and tell yourself that you're really pleased that you are not like them; nasty, childish and pathetic. And be kind to yourself. Instead of investing any more time in thinking about them, think about yourself.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger you know. And strength and confidence in yourself is very attractive to others. You'll make new friends but try not to be so invested in others. Invest in you and yours.