Is being unhappy really enough of a reason to leave?

[AScaryFuture]

Hi, I've lurked for a long time but not posted before.
I have been with my husband for a very long time. He was my first proper boyfriend and I was his. I have changed an awful lot over the 25 years we have been together, and over the last two or three, I've realised that I just don't want to be with him any more.
But is general unhappiness really enough reason to split up the family? We have two children aged 15 and 7 and I can't shake off the feeling that I'm just being completely selfish to shatter their currently very secure world. I have talked to my husband and told him how unhappy I am, but he just doesn't get it. I'm usually quite eloquent but I really struggle to explain to him how I feel, although this might be because I'm trying not to hurt him.
Is this reason enough do you think? Has anyone else left in these circumstances? Thanks for any replies.

[BoyGirlBoy3]

I would say consider carefully, what do you believe will make you happy? Statistics show that families are usually worse off financially after divorce. How old are you?

[AScaryFuture]

I'm 44. I realise the implications this will have on finances, but I really don't think that's a reason to stay. I could of course live to regret it when I'm struggling, but still think I'd be happier living a 'real', if poorer life.

[BoyGirlBoy3]

What aspect makes your life unreal?

[bb888]

I'm another person who could have written your posts over the last few years.

Debating whether I was unhappy enough to call time on it, and should I just stay together for the children, I had a similarly indifferent partner, who though he professed to love me was actually so unaffected by all the things I was said about being unhappy etc that when I did end it he was completely shocked.

Now I am out of the relationship, I am so much happier. You can't spend the rest of your life in an unhappy situation. It affects you in a millions ways that you probably aren't even noticing, but its there and your children will be picking up on a sense of something not being quite right.

One thing that I possibly do regret is that I left things until they were at breaking point. I think that was mainly because my STBX just wouldn't engage with any discussion about the relationship. So instead I told him it was over and then we had some very difficult weeks of him not coping with things and behaving in a way that was very difficult to deal with. Maybe if I had been more assertive about forcing the issue sooner, I might not have been quite so driven to end it quickly (if that makes sense?).

I have realised that as far as the children go that the point of parenting is to teach children how to be good adults, and they will be looking at you and noting what you do in any situation as what they should do themselves if the same happens, thats what children do isn't it. So they will be looking at your relationship and thinking thats what a relationship should look like, and probably then if they are in the same situation dealing with it in the same way. I realised that I had to raise the bar a little higher and think about what I would want them to do if they were ever in my situation, and then give them that example.

Splitting up doesn't have to ruin their world. If your H is a good dad then you should be able to work together to find something that will work for the children.

Also, in terms of security, you may think that is what your children have now, but they don't. They are at high risk of a major change in living circumstances and will remain so all the time you are together, unless you somehow fall back in love with your husband. And when will you split up? When the youngest is 18? They will still be upset - so stay forever? You can't spend the rest of your life like that.

By breaking up you can actually promise your children with a long term certainty that you can believe in. My children are the better for the split. They were upset initially, but now they are happier (they were happy before btw, not unhappy). I think that they are happier because they have certainty now, as they know exactly what the situation is, and I think can see how sincere STBX and I are in our wish to prioritise them. That was a relief to me as I felt that there is a kind of low level dishonesty in being in a marriage that I didn't want to be in. They also have a better mum, as I have a lot more to give them in terms of parenting.

Good luck. Its a jump to leave a long term relationship, especially when there are children, but for me now looking back my overwhelming emotions are of happiness and a total relief that I got out.

[bb888]

that's another concern of mine, that people will think I haven't tried at all, when I've been constantly trying these last few years. It not letting it show.

My parents were shocked when I split from STBX as they didn't know we were having problems and they liked him. Now though they have said that I obviously did the right thing, as they can see how much happier I am.

[BoyGirlBoy3]

pp can you explain why you are happier?

[bb888]

Is that question for me boygirlboy3?

[BoyGirlBoy3]

Yes bb888, can you define the reasons?

[Cananyonegivemesomeadvise]

Hi I have not posted on here before.

• Ascaryfuture your situation sounds exactly what I am going through at the minute! and like you have said it is awful having that guilt and overwhelming feeling 24/7. I have thrown myself into keeping constantly busy which I don't know is helping but keeping me sane and functioning at the minute. I think knowing others are going/been through these emotions and have come out the other side is a comfort but just so hard and draining. Hope your situation improves.

[SevenOfNineTrue]

I don't think I'm properly living my life.

What would have to change for you to feel you were living a full life?

[Sheusedtobesomeonelse]

^everything bb888^ says is true, especially about the children.
And yes, I lived a rather comfortable life financially with my exh boygirlboy3, divorcing drained all my savings, but god was it worth it. I could have stayed and pretended, and pretended some more. But i would have a nervous breakdown in probably no more than 3 years. No money is worth that.

The thing i was most scared of was tlling my mum - it tuned out she knew it was coming and said "pack your suitcase". I thought i was doing a great job of hiding my unhappiness, turns out, not so much.

[bb888]

I'm happy because I spent years worrying about what to do, and that leaving could negatively effect the children. Now that I see that they are in fact a little happier (not massively, they weren't unhappy before) then that feels really good. I never have to have those concerns again, the break up is done now, and so we can all move forward.
I feel now that the situation carries stability for my children, because there is no pressure to change it. Even if either of us eventually meet someone else, that will be a gradual thing and not a sudden change.
I am now being totally emotionally honest, in a way that being in a marriage with someone that I didn't love didn't feel to be.
I am happier not to be sharing a bed with someone I didn't love.
I now have a life where I have hope that in the future that I might meet someone that I can be in love with.
I realise now that being in that relationship was emotionally blunting. I am now happier, feeling emotions more, and I feel that I'm a nicer person for it.

Those are the main reasons that come to mind.

[BoyGirlBoy3]

bb888, did you ever love your husband, and did he do anything to lose/kill your feelings, you don't have to answer. I have questions about happiness in life, in general, at age 40, I had kids in my 20s.

[BoyGirlBoy3]

Op - have your feelings changed for your partner? or did you always have reservations?

[InstinctivelyITry]

OP - I could have written your post.

Suffice to say; a breakdown later, I asked for a separation (wasn't the first time)
That was Summer 2015.

He's moving out at the end of the month. We told the children last night. Its been brutal. Just brutal. We are at different stages of the transition process which is making it difficult to see eye to eye.

I cant recommend mediation highly enough. I know it doesn't work for all scenarios, but we have found it helpful and given us a greater insight into the other's perspective.

We intend for 50:50 share and to maintain an amicable relationship, for all our sakes.

I spent years wondering if I could do this to my family. However I came to the realisation that he had stepped away from the relationship and contributed significantly to the split by disgregarding my needs, being emotionally abusive etc.

Wishing you all the very best OP

[InstinctivelyITry]

bb888 - excellent posts and I can relate completely

[bb888]

I did love him, and it was good for a long time. But over time he became emotionally unsupportive ( I think as our lives grew - we were young when we got together and it wasn't that he changed, just that he couldn't seem to step up to the mark). He was also unable to take an initiative with even the most tasks. In total it added up to me just feeling like I didn't have a partner. Which was depressing and damaging to my sense of self worth (because I felt I clearly had low expectations to tolerate that).
So it was a gradual thing. I don't think he is a bad person, and he is a good father. But as we both got older we developed differently.

[AScaryFuture]

Hi bb888, thanks, that's a really helpful post.
Sorry, I can't remember who asked, but I don't think I'm living a real life because I'm constantly pretending to be happy when all I want to do is run away. Bb888 is spot on when she mentions the blunting of emotions - I don't properly feel anything

[BoyGirlBoy3]

bb888, how long have you lived on your own now?

[AScaryFuture]

Boygirl, I always suspected that he wasn't 'the one' so to speak, but didn't have the self confidence to wait. I did, and still do to some extent, love him, but not enough.
Instinctively, thanks for sharing. It's helpful to know I'm not alone.

[BoyGirlBoy3]

AScaryFuture, why do you have to pretend to be happy? Are you a very sociable person, are there always others around, so you can't say how you feel? Do you not feel able to express how you feel infront of your children. I read that children actually appreciate hearing problems resolved by adults. In that it models resolution. Do you still have feelings for your partner on a good day?

[BoyGirlBoy3]

AScaryFuture, I think your far from alone, I think this age brings plenty of questions. People do go on to regret divorce. My advice would be, think carefully, children react differently to divorce, and the effects are not all instant. Different effects come to the fore at different times, for example when they consider partners for themselves, when they consider getting married, when they have marriage difficulties. Only you know if your a bit unhappy at times or very unhappy all the time, they are two different things. I wish you every success with what you decide. Good luck.

[Itisbetternow]

AS what would you like to that would make you happy. I'm a single parent through no choice (ex had an affair and left). It is hard work, financially, emotionally and physically. as long as you understand that life might not be easier (but may be happier). Do you feel that it is your H that is making you unhappy or other things like work, money etc.

[AnotherCider]

I don't think you have been trying, actually. You've just been pretending that everything is ok, which is why your DH thinks everything IS ok. That was never going to make you happy.

To give the marriage a chance of working you need to stop pretending everything is ok. Tell him you're not happy and tell him why. You need to DO things that you think would make you happy, and ask your DH to do things too.

Chances are though that because you've been pretending for so long that both you and your DH are clueleas as to what would make the relationshio happy for both of you. It won't be easy and tbh unlikey to be successful.

[AgathaF]

Good questions from Itisbetter.