Is being unhappy really enough of a reason to leave?

[AScaryFuture]

Hi, I've lurked for a long time but not posted before.
I have been with my husband for a very long time. He was my first proper boyfriend and I was his. I have changed an awful lot over the 25 years we have been together, and over the last two or three, I've realised that I just don't want to be with him any more.
But is general unhappiness really enough reason to split up the family? We have two children aged 15 and 7 and I can't shake off the feeling that I'm just being completely selfish to shatter their currently very secure world. I have talked to my husband and told him how unhappy I am, but he just doesn't get it. I'm usually quite eloquent but I really struggle to explain to him how I feel, although this might be because I'm trying not to hurt him.
Is this reason enough do you think? Has anyone else left in these circumstances? Thanks for any replies.

[AScaryFuture]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I've got a lot to think about and don't want to rush anything. I've a couple of counsellors to phone tomorrow and hopefully will find someone to suit me.

[ouryve]

Well, scary, I think you do have to make a decision, then. You've seen a problem, communicated a problem, made sure you're looking after yourself emotionally and physically, but still things are not right.

The last thing you should do is stay in a situation that's not working out, supposedly for the sake of the kids. What would be best for them, from here on, would be for you and your H to conduct yourselves with dignity and care for their feelings in whatever you decide to do.

Your DC want a happy mum and a happy dad. That's unlikely to happen if you don't make some drastic changes, as a couple, and those drastic changes are likely to involve splitting up because they're not happening by any other means.

[AnnP1963]

I think you are very brave even to just admit to this. I suspect it is half term and you may be feeling a little unappreciated. Every single person i know gets fed up from time to time but if this is persisitant then you will need to reassess your needs. I always get a piece of paper and write down the pro's and con's of any situation somethimes it will become clearer and other it doesn't. The bottom line is if you are not happy then maybe its time to move on. I work in a school and believe you me children are very resilant. In 90% of me and my friends houses its always Mum that has to do the discipline. It does however get on their nerves too!!
I agree with PP maybe talking to someone would help. Coming on here will almost certainly help you. Try the piece of paper, the talking to someone outside of your marriage, your friends and if all else fails and you are still not happy. Well you know what to do. I really wish you complete happiness and hope you are ok.

[3WiseWomen]

I have been in a similar situation however I decided to tackle the problem in a very different way.

I looked at what was making me unhappy and went on to tackle that instead of looking at DH and how he was not what I wanted him to be iyswim.
I looked at what I wanted to do during the weekends, in the evenings, I looked at what I wanted to do with DH and the dcs (which weren't what we were doing etc...) and I just did it.
Then I spent a lot of time working on myself to find happiness in myself rather than expecting happiness to come from the outside (ie from DH, the dcs or whoever it is).

The result is that yes I have changed, our life has changed but DH has changed too and actually followed on the process. Our relationship ship and the way we relate to each other is different and we get on very very well now.
I'm very happy to stay put.

One thing though is that I did all that fur myself but fur him or for the relationship. So whatever the outcome, it would have been a positive step.
It was totally possible for DH not yo follow in which case I suspect he round have said he was unhappy (with the changes). Before that, he had no reason to be unhappy as things were like before, like he quite liked them wheat was it was me who had changed and didnt like it anymore iyswim.

[bb888]

I think that if you are making a choice between this relationship and being single then you are unlikely to be disappointed, as you are in full possession of the facts. I think its a bit different when people leave on the basis of an affair because then there is the possibility of disappointment if people aren't so great once you know more about them, and if the existing relationship wasn't that bad but just maybe a bit stale or whatever.

If its a straight choice between the partner and being alone though, and you would choose alone, then I think it really is that simple (now that I've done it! but for something obvious sounding it took me years to realise .
Then of course there is everything that follows on from that in terms of the children, but it doesn't have to be disaster - it could even be an improvement.

[TheNaze73]

Yes, you and your children are your number one priority. I left my wife for excactly that reason & things have worked out well. You only get one shot at life, do what makes you happy

[AScaryFuture]

Absolutely nobody at work 'brightening my day'! I enjoy my job for the mental stimulation, sense of achievement and because I'm good at it. This is nothing to do with wanting someone else - if anything, it's because I want to be on my own!

[BoyGirlBoy3]

If you can't wait for Monday morning, is there someone at work who is brightening your day? Just a thought, but dreams of what someone else could be like, can be misleading, in the cold light of day, they still create washing, have annoying habits, need dinner etc..

[AnotherCider]

Well if he's known for 2 years that you've been unhappy and hasn't done anything to facilitate changes i think you sadly have your answer, and that is that HE'S happy with the relationship as is and doesn't sufficiently care about your happiness to change anything.

[AScaryFuture]

Ouryve, I do all that now. When I realised I was unhappy, I decided to make changes, so I took up running, started going out more with friends and took on a course through work.
What I really want to do is stand on my own two feet, make my own decisions and my own mistakes!

[AScaryFuture]

Itsbetter - it's definitely not work making me unhappy, as I love my job and generally can't wait for Monday morning! I certainly don't have the Sunday night dread, if anything, it's Friday nights I hate as I see the weekend at home stretching before me. I wouldn't say it's my husband himself who is making me unhappy, but definitely the relationship itself. I don't have any money worries, although I do understand that this will change if I leave. I feel I'm as prepared as I can be for that.
I first told my husband about my unhappiness over two years ago, so I do think I have tried. I told him what I thought the problems were and although he didn't really agree, he accepted that I needed some changes. However, I haven't seen evidence of these changes and to be honest, I don't feel I should rely on him changing to make me happy. He's a great guy but unfortunately not for me.

[ouryve]

What things would you like to do that you are not doing now?

Yes, being unhappy is enough of a reason to leave. You have no imminent, pressing need to escape, though and I think you need to prioritise some time to do some of the things that would make life more fulfilling for you, whether that's doing a course, taking up an absorbing hobby, working on getting yourself physically fitter or simply promising yourself a monthly night out on the lash with friends.

[ohdearymeee]

Hi I've been in the exact same scenario as you, I painfully separated from my husband nearly a year ago. Like other posters was unhappy but DH dismissed me said it was all in my head, and this was life, we were together 15 yrs.

The thing is I had been involved with a man one way or another since I was 18 - I had never had a chance to be myself, to do what I wanted to do, I had children early and those days were good I guess, but now I am older and kids older (10 & 16) I felt an urge to be free, I was sick of looking after and being a mother to my DH - who mothered me?!

He didn't see any of it; couldn't comprehend when I told him it was over and still doesn't accept it now while I file for divorce. I did love him very much and I probably still do but like another poster said we just grew apart.

I thought I was going mad at the time, I went to a counselor alone and she basically confirmed my feelings and it resonated from my childhood, I had been looking after people for too long.

I'm now on my own with the kids - they have settled and are happy, I have met someone but I'm taking it really slowly, I need to explore me and find out what makes me happy first :)
HTH someone.

[AgathaF]

Good questions from Itisbetter.

[AnotherCider]

I don't think you have been trying, actually. You've just been pretending that everything is ok, which is why your DH thinks everything IS ok. That was never going to make you happy.

To give the marriage a chance of working you need to stop pretending everything is ok. Tell him you're not happy and tell him why. You need to DO things that you think would make you happy, and ask your DH to do things too.

Chances are though that because you've been pretending for so long that both you and your DH are clueleas as to what would make the relationshio happy for both of you. It won't be easy and tbh unlikey to be successful.

[Itisbetternow]

AS what would you like to that would make you happy. I'm a single parent through no choice (ex had an affair and left). It is hard work, financially, emotionally and physically. as long as you understand that life might not be easier (but may be happier). Do you feel that it is your H that is making you unhappy or other things like work, money etc.

[BoyGirlBoy3]

AScaryFuture, I think your far from alone, I think this age brings plenty of questions. People do go on to regret divorce. My advice would be, think carefully, children react differently to divorce, and the effects are not all instant. Different effects come to the fore at different times, for example when they consider partners for themselves, when they consider getting married, when they have marriage difficulties. Only you know if your a bit unhappy at times or very unhappy all the time, they are two different things. I wish you every success with what you decide. Good luck.

[BoyGirlBoy3]

AScaryFuture, why do you have to pretend to be happy? Are you a very sociable person, are there always others around, so you can't say how you feel? Do you not feel able to express how you feel infront of your children. I read that children actually appreciate hearing problems resolved by adults. In that it models resolution. Do you still have feelings for your partner on a good day?

[AScaryFuture]

Boygirl, I always suspected that he wasn't 'the one' so to speak, but didn't have the self confidence to wait. I did, and still do to some extent, love him, but not enough.
Instinctively, thanks for sharing. It's helpful to know I'm not alone.

[BoyGirlBoy3]

bb888, how long have you lived on your own now?

[AScaryFuture]

Hi bb888, thanks, that's a really helpful post.
Sorry, I can't remember who asked, but I don't think I'm living a real life because I'm constantly pretending to be happy when all I want to do is run away. Bb888 is spot on when she mentions the blunting of emotions - I don't properly feel anything

[bb888]

I did love him, and it was good for a long time. But over time he became emotionally unsupportive ( I think as our lives grew - we were young when we got together and it wasn't that he changed, just that he couldn't seem to step up to the mark). He was also unable to take an initiative with even the most tasks. In total it added up to me just feeling like I didn't have a partner. Which was depressing and damaging to my sense of self worth (because I felt I clearly had low expectations to tolerate that).
So it was a gradual thing. I don't think he is a bad person, and he is a good father. But as we both got older we developed differently.

[InstinctivelyITry]

bb888 - excellent posts and I can relate completely

[InstinctivelyITry]

OP - I could have written your post.

Suffice to say; a breakdown later, I asked for a separation (wasn't the first time)
That was Summer 2015.

He's moving out at the end of the month. We told the children last night. Its been brutal. Just brutal. We are at different stages of the transition process which is making it difficult to see eye to eye.

I cant recommend mediation highly enough. I know it doesn't work for all scenarios, but we have found it helpful and given us a greater insight into the other's perspective.

We intend for 50:50 share and to maintain an amicable relationship, for all our sakes.

I spent years wondering if I could do this to my family. However I came to the realisation that he had stepped away from the relationship and contributed significantly to the split by disgregarding my needs, being emotionally abusive etc.

Wishing you all the very best OP

[BoyGirlBoy3]

Op - have your feelings changed for your partner? or did you always have reservations?