Tell me why we should get married

[johendy]

I know marriage provides more protection should things go wrong down the track, but I'm not sure exactly how. Can someone help me understand the specifics?

We've been together 7 years, have 2 kids, have a house/mortgage in both our names, he earns considerably more than me.

I feel our finances are really fair and sensible, and I have no concerns (nobody does until they need to, though do they?!)

[GnomeDePlume]

Children are a commitment for parents but the commitment is to the children not to each other.

We all grow old and die so the protection for the surviving spouse isnt a 'if the worst happens but it wont happen to us' scenario. It is a scenario which will almost certainly happen to you.

While it is possible to make most of the protections of marriage separately from marriage by visiting a solicitor it is a lot cheaper to get married (a civil marriage will cost £120).

Also it is only possible to be legally married to one person at a time. The marriage exists until it is ended. Emotional relationships are far more fluid so it is possible for someone to be emotionally committed to more than one person.

[Xmasbaby11]

If you commit to having children together to me it's logical to want to be legally a family. We have committed to each other and not just the children and not just a shared mortgage.

Dh and I married before having 2dc. I changed my name - I like us all having the same name. I think the children like the security of being married - the 4 yo knows basically what marriage is. It's a nice feeling of security knowing we have committed to each other.

It's a happy celebration of your love in front on your friends and family. That's a wonderful feeling.
It may not be important to some people but to me it would be weird to call Dh my boyfriend when we are in our forties and have kids together!

Honestly it didn't occur to me not to get married.

[Littletabbyocelot]

I wanted to get married because of my experience with my 'grandmother'. She was my mums best friend & a daily part of our lives for 17 years. It was acknowledged by everyone that she was our family in all but name.

Then she developed dementia. She firmly wanted to die in her own home. While still of sound mind she arranged to pay for qualified care and she trusted my mum to keep that going.

Then a distant relative - her next of kin - decided she needed to be in a home. She begged my mum not to let it happen. My mum had no legal standing, but she tried.

I could not face the idea of going through that with my now dh.

[lougle]

Widowed parent's allowance
Bereavement allowance (if no kids)
Bereavement payment

That's not to mention the benefits if nobody dies.

[ohdearymeee]

Marriage has never provided me with financial security that's for sure but then I've always worked full time and contributed equally - therefore I've come out of my marriage with 50%.
As far as I can see the only benefits to marriage are if you earn considerably less than your DP and have his children then if you split you can take him for everything!!

[FragileBrittleStar]

From a practical angle as the higher earner/house in my name/mortgage in my name- getting married would reduce my control over my money - if we stay together everything is fine whether married or unmarried - if we split up then I have more control over my finances and less obliged to support DP's SAH lifestyle... I would (if I was the lower/nonearner) want to get married for the additional protection.
I am not romantic- the idea of a traditional wedding does nothing for me.. I'm not religious, I've had to deal with DS being called a bastard (by my DP's parents)...I don't feel the need to make a statement to the world..
inheritance tax and capital gains tax - would be the key benefits...

[Basketofchocolate]

johendy - there's no obligation to tell anyone. For any family members you want to tell, can always explain why you're doing it and that there's no real reason for a big celebration.

We thought we'd get around to having a celebration at some point, but it's now maybe looking more like 10yr anniversary as never made it to the 'important to do' list :)

[pinkcan]

Another benefit is for the dc.

My friend and her husband got married when their dc was 5yo just "for him". I have another friend (20yrs, 3dc) whose do won't get married. She has always wanted to marry him throughout the 20yrs. Now her dd (6) says when she grows up she isnt going to get married, she will just live with someone in order to be like her mum. Not saying that's wrong, just that fathers reluctance to get married for whatever reason has translated to the dd as the "normal/correct" thing to do.
I don't really understand why people in committed LTRs wouldn't want to get married. It is kind of nice!

[johendy]

Thanks all, this is helping me understand it more.

We will get married, we want to but it's not such a priority for us and kids have got in the way and families on opposites sides of the world (and 1 disfunctional) means it keeps going on the too hard basket. My partner is happy either way, but legally there is more for me to gain hence it being on my mind. We have up to date wills so are safe there (though of course they're not permanent I know).

We are tempted to do a registry office wedding for the legalities (asks perhaps just keep it to ourselves) and have a wedding ceremony to celebrate our relationship later (we want another child and I want all my kids at the wedding). But my fear is that we'll do this and never get around to the celebration. But that's up to us to just make happen isn't it!

[KERALA1]

The other thing that gets me cross is the "its just a bit of paper" . Hmm like a passport is.

[Basketofchocolate]

Oh and I don't have a ring, did not change my name, did not have a 'wedding'. But, I do have the magic piece of paper that means he is mine and I am his and we value each other above our families.

[Basketofchocolate]

As above, it's protection financially and emotionally for when sh*t hits the fan. We all hope it won't, but it may do at some point and you can't predict when. As others have said, do you want to be waiting in the waiting room while your in-laws go in to see your partner in the emergency room? Do you want them to make the decision to turn the machines off? While you are just the girlfriend, you have no rights. If your partner was in a long-term hospital situation or died, you could have his relatives come along and empty your house of all his stuff - photos of the kids, his favourite CDs, anything that you might want to keep of him. You would have no automatic rights to his possessions.


All horrid to think about but too often people think 'oh, it'll be fine' but thre reality can be quite different. I would not have kids without being married first as I would think that if he couldn't commit to being with me for the foreseeable future, then I wouldn't think he would be committed to sticking around to raise a family.

[Mrskeats]

I've never understood how some people seem to view having children as less of a commitment than marriage
I have two daughters and would advise them to only have kids when they are married
You are more legally protected

[KERALA1]

Do what you choose its entirely personal and no one else is that interested or judges but for gods sake make sure you know all the facts so you are making an informed decision.

The number of people that witter on about "common law" spouse is worrying. No such thing. During the course of my work I have to give unmarried couples advice and much of it comes as a very unpleasant surprise.

I will be advising my daughters to not have children unless they are married.

[NettleTea]

because marriage, but more the divorce should things go wrong, actually recognise the impact that having a family can often have on a woman's career and ability to forge a career if they end up with most of the responsibility for childcare. And the law takes that into consideration when splitting all the assets. Divorce is the one time in life, it would seem, when being a SAHM is recognised for its true value, where one person has taken on alot of responsibility for family, house and home, which has allowed the other half to progress better in their career than if they had been single.

[ticket123]

Salene - all of your reasons can be achieved without marriage

[KERALA1]

If you have a larger estate (many do now due to property prices) it is far better from an iht perspective. Unmarrieds have one nil rate band each. Married people pay no iht on first death and can merge their nrbs together so pay less tax. You can try to do clever expensive things with trusts but recently at a conference I asked top iht barrister his advice for unmarried couples on this - he said two words "get married". Not a romantic reason though!

[Cabrinha]

It's an expensive way of having the same surname which you can have for free

[Duckdeamon]

These men who earn more and / or have more assets, pensions etc than their DPs know damn well that marriage would mean that in the event of a break-up their wife could well secure a share, when a partner wouldn't.

[PurpleTraitor]

I will live with someone, get a joint mortgage, have kids etc but I won't marry them.

I am not a bloke though.

I don't like how everyone says above it is about keeping assets away form my partner and/or lack of commitment.

Ever thought people might have genuine reasons for not wanting the 'institution' of marriage? I have never wanted marriage. DP knew that from day one. He wanted to be married. But we can't both have our way on something black and white.

[Doilooklikeatourist]

Because if he dies you won't get a widows allowance as you're not married

Because you love him , he loves you so you want to be husband and wife
❤

[Eminybob]

DP and I have been together 10 years and have a DS. We have been messing about with the idea of marriage for years but could never be bothered with the hassle/expense.
However we are going to start trying for DC2 soon and I knew I didn't want to have any more kids until we have the commitment (plus due to some antiquated law DS is classed as illegitimate until we get married and then we have to re-register him )
So anyway, we are getting married in May, just the 3 of us in the registry office then a pub lunch after. Perfect

[Goodbetterbest]

Best thing I ever did was get married.

Said my divorce solicitor.

I would have seriously been up shit creek had I not.

I wanted to get married, I felt it closes the circle of our family life. I was committed. But mainly because of the massive implications of not being married, which in most cases are detrimental to women. It gave me some security in a pretty unequal society.

I don't like the implication that you should change your name if married. DCs have my name though.

[Salene]

So you all have the same surname and your children know their parents are married.

You make a official life long commitment to each other.

You wear a ring so other know you are in a committed relationship