Am I the emotionally abusive one???

[Justlurkingaround]

MNetters i have no idea why you would want to read this. Probably doesnt really matter. I'm just typing what's going round in my head.

DH and I have hit a really bad patch in our relationship. It felt like we had a great relationship with occasional rows that we didn't handle well. However the more I think about it the more I see problems that have been around a long time. DH doesn't see them so its like I'm ruining everything.

As a bit of background, recently I have been really depressed after a row where DH shouted. That was a few weeks ago. I fell into depression/anxiety, now eased with ADs. I cannot make any sense of anything. I'm not even going to ask anyone to try.

Whats worrying me today is that i tried reading about emotional abuse and wonder if I have all this the wrong way round. Things leapt out and made me think am i abusive? This genuinely terrifies me.

Is withholding sex controlling?
I have withdrawn. Is this sulking? Giving the silent treatment?
I am blaming him for everything which I read is abusive. I get annoyed when he says arguments are a two away street etc.
I am angry but unable to talk to DH. (Every time we do its a headfuck. I remember wrong/ I interpret incorrectly.)
I don't shout or lose my temper but DH said at the weekend he has been "walking on eggshells". That's awful. My mum was terribly abusive/violent. His words keep going round in my head.
DH would do anything to fix this but I have refused joint counselling. I just feel it would be a bad idea. But instead I leave him hanging not knowing where he stands.

I want to rewind and never have that silly row. I want my sanity back and to be happy again.

Am I abusive for dragging this out so long?

[Justlurkingaround]

I know what you are saying. If i reread my posts I can see why you (as the counsellor did) think that I'm trying to deny whats going on.

But i want to find another way to view things. I want to make things better. I want to be fair. DH is genuinely sad. Im making everyone sad.

Maybe (definitely!) I am overthinking. Maybe I simply stand by what I think and that's our starting point for working things out.

Thanks for bearing with my ramblings.