Does a new baby arriving warrant a day off school?

[mummytippy]

My ex and his GF are expecting a baby. The due date is the 15th Feb.
Our ds should have had contact with his dad this weekend but did not at the request of my ex after he contacted my ds on Thurs eve to say they thought the baby was on its way.

Our ds had a day trip on Sat which I took him to on behalf of my ex... and up to midday Sat I was on 'standby' as to whether I was to take my ds to his dad or not after he returned from the trip. In the end my ex contacted me and requested I keep our ds with me.

My ds rang his dad tonight and no sign of baby? No labour... Nothing?
In fact his GF was running a bath for her ds so not sure what Thursday was about apart from an excuse to get me to dash about getting my ds to his trip and back on my ex's behalf

Contact takes place EOW for my ds and his dad and the fast approaching upcoming HT our ds is scheduled to be with me. It is on a Court order. This was at my ex's request at the final hearing with my ex opting to have the Oct HT which he had in its entirity last year. At this point he also knew his new baby would be due on or around Feb HT.

I can see their happy event is going to happen at somepoint this week and I don't want to be caught out by having to particularily sacrifice any of my holiday time with my ds for him to go off to his dad. I have plans and bookings on certain days. In view of this, I was wondering if the birth is in the next few days whether a day off school would be appropriate?
Eg, My ex collect our ds from school and bring him back the next evening...
Or my ds wait until the weekend and go next weekend (Fri eve - Sun eve) but insist I get the first weekend of the Oct HT in return?

I am reasonable and am thinking of my ds's best interests in being able to bond with the new baby but at the same time it was my ex who took me to Court 2 years ago and he was a complete &%@{ when it came to extra contact last year... even our ds's birthday... he allowed me 2 hours after school because they were having a ''family party''. I don't want to seem bitter but some things are hard to forget. I'm still strying to make up for lost time with my ds.

[Italiangreyhound]

I can totally get why you may feel pissed off etc but I do think on this occasion it would help to make things as smooth as possible. If your son wants to meet his new sibling straight away, and see his dad, and his dad wants this too, I would personally try and make that happen.

If he has had four kids with four different women that is his business, and much as I can see that would mean this is not exactly a novel event, whether this new child will have a significant relationship with your son or not, who knows! But I think it would be helpful to try and facilitate all this in a good way. It's a shame your ex has been a tit about all this and you obviously know him well and may well think it is all on purpose, and maybe it is.

If you show your upset and displeasure at all it may well only give him what he wants.

A genuinely happy demeanour and 'can do' attitude may piss him off more!

And if it really was an accident and he has got confused etc, your kindness now might just form a turning point in his and your relationship.

As my friend said after a very acrimonious break up, "I know I will need to sit at our daughter's wedding one day, and he will be there too, so we have to get on to some degree..." or words to that affect!

In terms of school, I would be the wrong person to ask. I often find school highly overated and cannot imagine the loss of a few days does a child any great harm. Our head send various messages about how precious every moment of the children's school life is and then I hear of how they have spent ages tidying a classroom or dealing with a difficult pupil! The birth of a sibling, half or not, is massive, school should know that and if they do not know that then maybe they are the ones who need educating!

All the best.

[Soooosie]

It's really normal for Brixton hicks or labour to start and stop. False starts to births are normal

Yes a day off school is fine.

[AcrossthePond55]

I'd say accommodate, but don't go out of your way. If ex wants DS there, he can come get him for the day. I don't think I'd go as far as 'well then, I get an extra day in Oct'. But if he says he wants him to stay for 2-3 days to get to know his new sibling, then yes, ask for makeup time for the Fall.

But don't be surprised if he doesn't even ask, or isn't willing to do the pick up/drop off. GF (new mum) may want it to be 'just them' when Baby comes home.

I'm a bit of a 'stickler' for taking days off school. I'd probably say pick him up after and bring him home before bedtime (if that's feasible).

[LBOCS2]

When we had DD, we stuck to our contact arrangements regarding DSS as we felt it was most important for his routine not to be changed. As it happened, it was not an ideal situation (there's a LOT of travel involved and DH had to do it the day after DD and I were discharged from hospital), but it was necessary at the time. It has not affected his relationship with DD. I'd play it by ear, but I'd maybe stick to the usual schedule unless your ex asks for him to come over for a couple of hours after the baby is born?

[DrSeussRevived]

It's not at all surprising he didn't want feb half term- he'd have to make arrangements for your DS for the labour otherwise.

Get on with your plans and just wait and see. The baby may come after half term anyway.

[WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant]

If I was having a baby this week, I would be asking the other parent of any step-kids if they would keep them for this week. I would be expecting to be very tired and sore.

If my new wife was Having a baby this week, I would prefer to be spending the week with her and the new baby. I wouldn't have time for a child I don't make much time for anyway.

If I was having the baby this week, I would love for its half-siblings to visit for a cuddle in hospital/home. Half an hour, cuddles, photo, bottle if bottle fed... Bring a small gift for their new sibling and then leave it for a week or so.

What does your ds want to do?
Is he excited about the baby? Or will he loose his room at his dads in a few weeks, when baby needs it?

I don't think it warrants a day off school. The baby will still be a baby at the weekend. He won't miss much!

[Smorgasboard]

Is it you feeling that your son must be with his new half-sibling, or your son?At the moment, you seem to assume that when the baby arrives your son must be available to go, but that is not necessarily so. Your ex has already intimated that he expects the opposite - by saying the last due visit that he was not wanting to have him, and by working it out so that he does not have him Feb half-term.
I suspect the reason you can't understand why he wants the October half term, is that you have not come to realise that his dad and GF likely want to not have your DS at the pivotal moment.
This surely can all be sorted in advance by just asking what they expect, and what your son is happy with. You have, I note, not mentioned what you know of your son's opinion, but seem to say "his best interest". It is not in his interest to be making decisions on his behalf without seeking his opinion. Having said that, if seeing his half-sibling is his idea, then it is still fair to point out that they may want a bit of time to themselves if that is the case.

[category12]

Um, sometimes women have false starts in labour. I think it's worth considering that them mucking you about at the weekend may not have been purposeful.

I think it's quite rational to want to wait til the later half-term to have your ds, since a newborn is so demanding and later on the baby will be more responsive to your ds and be somewhat less all-consuming.

I understand that there's loads of history and your cynicism is warranted, but those bits don't seem unreasonable from the outside.

[Fourormore]

I don't understand the face about you taking your DS to his trip. On your other thread, that was what you wanted.
Surely you know it's normal for labour to start and stop sometimes?

You say you're not emotional about all of this but you certainly sound it and it doesn't really sound like its about your son. It sounds sensible for your ex to have said no to February half term - he would have had to leave your DS at short notice if his girlfriend went into labour, both of them would have been very tired and trying to get the hang of a new baby again - that isn't in your DS's best interests.

Rather than predicting what might happen and jumping to the worst conclusions, why not ask your ex what he would like to do about DS visiting the new baby when it comes and then when you know what your ex can accommodate, ask your DS what he would like to do. I think in this situation, your preferences come last (and I say that as both an ex wife and as a second wife).

[SparkleSoiree]

I think you need to do what is right for your son, regardless of past conduct of both parents. I would ask DS what he wants to do and take it from there and discuss that with your EX.

Can you see how your worrying about what your ex may or may not do and trying to pre-empt him so that you don't feel put out is not putting your son first?

Good luck whatever happens.

[mummytippy]

My ds is excited about the baby and any chance off school he would jump at (Not that he doesn't like school!).

He felt let down at the weekend as he likes spending time with his dad's GF's ds, they are a similar age and was upset that after his dad had phoned on Thurs to say they thought the baby was on its way of which he was excited, he didn't hear from his dad again to receive an update him or explain. Instead I updated my ds after receiving my ex's update on Sat afternoon. I told him when he returned from his day trip in the evening as my ds did had gone on his trip not knowing whether he was visiting his dad or not/seeing the new baby when he returned.

I'm going to work on the basis my ex wanted Feb HT so it would be 'alone time' for them with their new baby. He knows what the constrainsts of a court order are... or rather how he used to enforce it on me when it was the other way around.

I am going to wait until he contacts me regarding the birth. If I contact him (especially after all the ''who-har'' of this last weekend) it will become too convoluted. I'm going to let him ask as I feel it is for him to do that.

If it happens during this week - I agree and think my son will be fine to wait until the weekend. Waiting until school breaks up would also allow his excitement to increase and allow me to take him to buy a gift for the baby which I also plan to do with him.

We have plans for most of HT, especially the second half.

My ds and the GF's ds share a bedroom currently and they have a 2 bed house. I think it will become quite cosy as they have a small house.

[mummytippy]

Fourormore I had the face in my last thread because having my ds for this last weekend was what I wanted to avoid him unneccesarily being transported for hours backwards and forwards and to ensure he would make the trip. I had wanted to be able to send and email, for my ex to see sense in the above and for the weekend to have been agreed based on that.

As my ex rang Thursday before I could do that, I never got to send my email explaining this. Instead my ds got a phonecall which resulted in he and I being told how it was. When I said I'm happy to bring ds across when he returns from the trip Sat but can you update me by midday (baby here/not here) I did not get a staright answer and my ds and I we were left dangling on standby.

Despite me setting perimeters within my email (cut off time of midday Sat to determine whether I was taking our ds over to him or not), he did not stick to this (left an ambiguous VM at 3pm) which dispite me texting him to please confirm - he did not resulting in continued uncertainty for my ds and myself.

When I make suggestions (which are reasonable and rational) he always finds fault. It's his way or no way at all.

So my angry face was because the unneccesary travelling was replaced with hopes being raised for my ds regarding the impending birth, being left on standby/dangling and being told by him late on Saturday how the weekend was to go rather than him just say on Thursday, probably best just to leave it this weekend as might get stuck at hospital.

Bogeyface was right to just take my ds to his dad and let him sort things which fall on his weekend which is what I'll do in the future.

As far as emotions go - I just don't like my ds being mucked around. Children need stability and routine and while I understand all of the senarious with birth etc it needed for my ex to make an executive decision sooner than he did. It wasn't for me to do that as it was supposedly his weekend for contact so I felt I had to ''play it safe'' and not tell him how it was... hence the previous post.

I'm always trying to do the right thing for my ds... stressing and fretting but it seems like this situ in being reasonable I just handed my ex the sticks to beat me with yet again

[NNalreadyinuse]

Stop running around after your ex. It us up to you whether you give up any of your time with ds once the baby arrives. Not your ex. You don't have to do anything you don't wish to do. Personally I would keep ds with me for the whole of HT and would drop ds off at his dad's when his dad is due to have him and not a moment sooner. The baby will still be there.

You need to stop allowing your ex to believe that the choices are all his to make. They are not. Your ds will be better having clearly defined arrangements. An yes, when it is ex's time with ds, let him sort whatever crops up, just as you would have to.

[mummytippy]

Thanks NN

I don't know why I have to keep having it said to me!
You have written it so succinctly!

I seem to ''allow him in'' and ''control'' things when as you rightly say things are on my terms.

As long as I am reasonable in putting my ds's wishes first and foremost hopefully it should all work out ok.

[mummytippy]

Thanks Lazymoz

I know I do. I think it's because I was so used to having to skip to his tune and jump through hoops when with him and also last year when he had custody.

The court process was emotionally exhausting and draining for both my ds and myself. My ds is settled back with me and at school but I am still recovering from it all. It was all so uneccessary and started by ex for the wrong reasons - to hurt me, which inevitabley hurt my ds too.

I'm feeling okay emotionally about the baby's arrival... the dynamic changing for my ds in that he won't see as much of the baby as his GF's ds etc but I can't do anything about that on a day-to-day basis. My ds hasn't said anything like this to me and I don't want to over-think things like that if that makes sense.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

The due date is the 15th? So highly likely there'll be no baby until after half term. You are annoyed after last weekend, that's natural but you have kid(s) you know that it's not that easy to plan the delivery process and would possibly not be too happy about your DS being dropped to unknown friends/family with their SDS if it did all kick off?

Your ex is 2 hours away, so that's a 4 hour round trip, and you have plans for Feb half term. Your ex has set the bar with his level of "flexibility" so I would act accordingly unless your DS is desperate to see the baby.

I wouldn't be taking him out of school and with a newborn in the house, I think it will be fine for him to wait for his next scheduled weekend. Facetime/Skype was invented for a reason. Unless of course your Ex wants to come and get him, and return him if there is nothing on.

[mummytippy]

Yes treadsoftly... and without harking on I personally will continue to harbour my belief there actually wasn't any sign of the baby this last Thurs when he rang my ds. He said she his GF had had ''a show''. Now I'm firm in the belief it was more a case of an excuse with my ex not being bothered with the travelling envolved.

Further more In one of the GF's texts to me on Friday eve she said she had high blood pressure and was on bed rest... surely there would then be monitoring or intervention... this is why on Sat I thought he hadn't contacted me by the midday ''cut-off'' because they were at hospital but then the message was the opposite.

I wouldn't so much have minded if he had have had to go to a relative there but realise that would not have been ideal and am happier my ds remained here with me without the upheaval of any of that.

I stress at the fact he doesn't communicate with me on my terms (when it's just as simple to email from a Smartphone or text) and instead of doing the direct opposite of what Ive asked. Risking at such an important time for him and his partner me not receiving any comms. It's like he loves drama so much. he's prepared to risk everything.

Why be ambiguous and behave like this. It's ridiculous and his favourite past time when with him was to turn things around on me. Like it would be my fault I didn't get the phone call or VM as I've said to respect my wishes and comm through email or text only.

I shall just wait to hear, which as he knows he should text but no doubt he will telephone.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

mummytippy
You need to dot a few of these around your life

Start by pretending to be totally disinterested. Hopefully in time you can detach. In the nicest possible way, he winds you up because you let him. Next time he calls instead of texting, keep him on the phone as long as possible telling him any old shite about DS, or the parking in the town centre or the PTA etc. If you bore the crap out of him he'll switch over to electronic comms anyway.

[captainproton]

When I have birth to DD, DSS was not allowed on the ward because he was not my child. It sucked for DSS because he had to sit out in the hospital cafe with his uncle whilst DH supported me, and that was only at the end when I'd had a pph. Then DD got post birth trauma and jaundice which meant more time in hospital where DSS wasn't allowed to go.

Now I have just had my 3rd this weekend and DSS was here. Again he is the only one not allowed on the ward. So I can see why a father might engineer it so his other children are not with him around the time of an impending arrival.

[mummytippy]

Good tip TreadSoftly! I know I need to detach :-)

[mummytippy]

Thanks CaptainProton for your message.

I think it's a shame your DSS was not allowed on the ward. I think I've heard of that before. That would not help with any bonding feeling excluded after naturally being excited.

As far as my DS goes, I don't think his father will want him there until the baby and his GF are back at home.

I hope you are okay after baby No. 3! :-) X

[captainproton]

Thanks OP, we are all good. Yes it does suck for half siblings when they don't share the same mum. It does sound like your ex probably wouldn't want your DS there even if allowed. Sometimes though I wish hospitals would get in the real world. It's hardly uncommon to have a half sibling!

[mummytippy]

I'm glad you're all okay :-) I really don't think it is fair as the half sibling is related in exactly the same to the new baby, only by the father. As long as time can be spent all together now you're at home, I would say that's nicer anyway X

[Chewbecca]

I don't think you need to do or plan anything at this point, you're making it hard for yourself.

Just go with the arrangements you already have.

If DS's dad calls, says baby has been born and asks if DS can visit, deal with that when it happens, if it is convenient and DS wants to say yes. If not, say no. He might just meet his new sibling at the next planned contact with no swapping or changes needed.

There is just no point planning for every eventuality.