just ordered to thank husband for my 'lie in'

[stillnotjustamummy]

At 8.30 husband came into bathroom, handed me 4.5 month old, plus older two aged 4 and 2, and barked the words "say thankyou for your long lie in".

I had a really hard night with the baby, eventually getting to bed at 4.30 this morning.

How can I calmly explain that speaking to me in this way is absolutely not on?

[FlatOnTheHill]

Should have lifted your leg out from under the quilt and kicked him in the face

[sofato5miles]

I would be so angry! And unreasonable.

[QuietWhenReading]

Pink given that the baby is 4.5 months old that would suggest that the OP is at home with all three children all day every day.

Personally my DH would be embarrassed to say that he couldn't cope with his own children for 2.5 hours. But then he is very judgemental about men that aren't capable of looking after their own kids.

[stillnotjustamummy]

Exactly. My instinct is to scream, FOFTTFSOF, but I know it's better to wait until I am calm and rational. He had to go in with baby at 4.30, so was up, but tried to bring her to me at 5.30, but I was so broken I refused to get up. She had spent all
Hours on the boob, so I knew she wasn't hungry, and figured he'd have to manage. He's done this a couple of times before when tired, and I've bitten my tongue. He works bloody hard and usually appreciates the cost of his career success is mine, being at home, but this morning was too far.

[HandyWoman]

Bathroom? Really??

Was he sleeping while you were up with baby most of the night?

[ThoughtlessMess]

Sounds like my xh, & we only had 1 dc.
You deserve better, both today & in the future. Take the emotion out of ot for now; perhaps you can calmly explain how little you had & then schedule a few hours sleep for yourself this afternoon? And maybe this evening you can tell him how you feel.
An instant sweary explosion would be cathartic but prob wouldn't help DCs.
What he's done is unfair, unacceptable & imo the sign of a father with no fking clue what to do; he needs some help / kick up his backside, else you will always have this problem.
Good luck with your day, so sorry you woke up to such crap xx

[BarbaraofSeville]

Go out for a leisurely coffee and leave him with his children for the rest of the day?

[stillnotjustamummy]

Yes, to clarify, I'm home full time at the moment, transitioning smallest to bottle feeding as I have a booking in March so slowly restarting my own paid work. The older kids are up at 6, but are a doddle that time of day- breakfast & playing etc. The baby may have been a bit grumpy, but it's just the way it is sometimes. Baby was up at 9.45, midnight, 1something for a poonami, then from 2.40 I wandered house trying to soothe her ending up in guest room around 3.40. 2 year old woke crying at 4, I gave it five minutes as was hoping she would resettle / DH comfort her. He didn't. I met him in her doorway when I went down, but as 2yo had seen me, she didn't want daddy. I spent 20 minutes getting her back to sleep before going to my own bed. It was a tough night and his little tantrum didn't help.

[stillnotjustamummy]

Stillstayingclassy, not a typo. Actually on the loo. Ended up BFeeding baby, chatting to the other two whilst doing my thing. Great start to a day!

[GNRmama]

My ex used to think I should be grateful that he'd given our baby a bottle because it was saving me a job

[ricketytickety]

He's being an arse. He's tired if he got up at 4.30. But you have no need to thank him, unless he wants to thank you for being up until 4.30. You didn't have a lie in. He's doing his share not doing you a favour.

[LillianGish]

No mention of childcare - but it makes the point.

[ricketytickety]

And did he then go back to bed?

[BabyGanoush]

what a wanker

...and why do you put up with it?

[Imbroglio]

Sounds like you are both at the end of your tethers but his response was extremely thoughtless and rude.

[stillnotjustamummy]

Good question! He's stomped off back to bed, which is fine. He's not normally a tosser. I'm pretty lucky, we have help in as much as a cleaner comes every other week and we have a fab nanny once a week so I can do our company admin, house admin, etc. Other than that I do the child wrangling. He works long unpredictable hours and I try to be as supportive as I can. I love him and he is a good man, but occasionally acts like a toddler himself.

[petalsandstars]

I would be fuming with that and be going back to bed or out (if bf timing allowed). The mother of all rows to follow.

[HandyWoman]

I think if he is not normally like this then all you need to do is point out that pulling this disrespectful shit can be a slippery slope ending in divorce and that a full and frank apology is needed and he should say 'thank you' for not kicking him out of the house!

[RebootYourEngine]

He has gone back to bed?! Wtf.

I would be putting the kids on the bed and fucking off out and leaving him to it.

[pinkcan]

Isn't a mother? Deliberately provocative? No. Realistic. Try and actually see what I mean before getting irate about me being reasonable. I don't think most even bothered to understand my post.

Looking after a baby, a 2yo and a 4yo is tough work. For anyone. At any time. Because I am a mother, with that age gap, I actually know this. A couple with a baby, 2yo and 4yo will both be knackered all the time. For several years. Things will be fraught.

The dh clearly got up with the kids and looked after them in order that the OP could have a tiny rest because she had been up in the night. Clearly he struggled through tiredness and their difficult ages. Not because he is a man, but because the task is hard and the kids may also have played up.

Why do you not understand that by saying the dh is knackered, that I am not implying the Op is not also equally or more knackered? They are not mutually exclusive.

Neither am I implying the dh is a saint or needs thanking. There is way more than enough work and tiredness to break both of them.

I also know that (because I am a mother and my children are now older) that things will be better for the op and her dh once they both accept that the other is also knackered and that both are doing their best and they try to work together to find the easiest/most efficient way of keeping them both on an even keel. Not telling each other to fuck off or one leaving the other with the kids and going out in a fit of rage.

Seriously, the kind of post that advises the op to scream at her dh to fuck off is far more flame worthy than my post which advised the op to talk to her dh.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

He went back to bed!.

Cheeky sod, I think you need to tell him how childish he was and you didn't appreciate the way he spoke to you.

[Binders1]

FlatOnTheHill - exactly what I would have liked to have done (in my mind of course).

Calm nicey nicey conversation wouldn't have cut it for me, nor would it have worked. He would have had to know how bloody furious, disgusted and serious I was that he had better not throw that shit at me ever again and I would want an apology. Yes it's bloody hard for the pair of them but sorry it's harder on the mother whether he is a good man or not.

[ingenvillvetavardukoptdintroja]

'why do you even want a lie in? You've never wanted one before.'
Erm I never used to get up in the middle of the night multiple times??
Nothing compared to what he said to me yesterday when we were talking about my emcs
'well it was alright for you, you had all the drugs'
Oh yes it must have been horrific sitting there watching and then life returning to normal while I recovered from being cut open!!

[Squashybanana]

I agree with pinkcat. Keeping score or martyrdom checkmate is a sure fire way to ruin a marriage. If dh had been up with a grumpy baby since 5:30 without a boob to comfort her with then 8:30 would 'feel' a lot later than it actually is. This doesn't make dh right of course. He was totally unreasonable.

Op these are the toughest years. Hang in there. You need to both appreciate that both of you are exhausted. My youngest is 5 now (I have 4 kids) and Dh and I Sat in bed til 10am chatting in a companionable way while reading. 5 years ago there were months at a time when I wasn't sure our marriage would survive.

[Eminado]

" Keeping score or martyrdom checkmate is a sure fire way to ruin a marriage"

Absolutley agree but shitty, rude, childish,
disrespectful comments from the DH won't help either.

Appreciate the point you are trying to make but the DH is totally out of order.