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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What does it mean when he acts very interested then very not interested?

60 replies

outlookfoggy · 30/01/2016 18:12

My new boyfriend acts very interested, extremely interested and then acts very not interested and back and forth.

It's made me feel anxious.

Why does he do this?

OP posts:

Report

jaykay34 · 31/01/2016 21:06

He's probably in two minds about you and keeping his options open. I expect he "quite" likes you and is keeping you there incase you are "the one", but deep down has massive doubts and is probably stringing a load of other women along too.

I used to see a guy exactly like the one you described - I met him when I was pretty vulnerable. In the early days he had been really over keen, and I bought every word. Then he started blowing hot and cold and I realised he was seeing loads of women and feed them all the bullshit he fed me.

When I started ignoring him, he kept messaging me asking what was wrong and why didn't I want to know him anymore. . It was difficult to be strong, but I completely blew him out and moved on.

The best thing to do is get rid of him. He won't change. You deserve more and won't find happiness with him.

Claraoswald36 · 31/01/2016 20:29

Well done op - stamp reject!

SoThatHappened · 31/01/2016 20:24

I think this is true. What happens to these men I wonder? Hot and cold is very much a manipulative, abusive power play beloved of commitment phobe types.

Do they meet someone they are interested in and are 100% hot? Or are they all inherently emotionally abusive - so blow hot enough to get the woman sucked into a marriage and then start having affairs once they have a wife tied up with a marriage and children?

I think these guys do it eventually with everyone. They are hot and cold from the start with people they are not that interested in. I think they can be 100% hot with someone from the start but then become hot/cold later on when they are bored or want to cheat.

Good for you OP for getting rid.

spudlike1 · 31/01/2016 19:12

AnyFucker · 31/01/2016 19:08

yay

SoleBizzz · 31/01/2016 19:07

That is brill! Never ever have contact with him again. No matter what. Really proud of you. He is not good enough for you in anyway shape or Form.

outlookfoggy · 31/01/2016 19:05

I didn't realise.

Well. What I did was this. Sent him a very brief text last night that said "Sorry, I've decided to see other people" and then blocked him on Facebook and whatsapp. Went out and had a drink with soneone else and quite a nice snog. Maybe childish but cheered me up after feeling rejected.

I did feel better after as I've been on and off feeling highs and lows for a few months and trying harder and harder to compensate.

Thanks for the advice. I wish I'd done it months ago and stuck to it

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 31/01/2016 18:55

yes

outlookfoggy · 31/01/2016 18:51

Is this behaviour emotional abuse?

OP posts:

spudlike1 · 31/01/2016 18:39

Do whatever suits you , but get him out of your life .
What he thinks is irrelevant.

CheersMedea · 31/01/2016 17:40

enough blow hot and cold men to know these never blossom in to loving relationships.

I think this is true. What happens to these men I wonder? Hot and cold is very much a manipulative, abusive power play beloved of commitment phobe types.

Do they meet someone they are interested in and are 100% hot? Or are they all inherently emotionally abusive - so blow hot enough to get the woman sucked into a marriage and then start having affairs once they have a wife tied up with a marriage and children?

SoleBizzz · 31/01/2016 17:29

How strange!!!!!!!!

I have just Googled a restaurant chain and the emotional abusing cunt is a manager there!! Not seen it or heard from it for ten years. His Facebook account also appeared and he is still hanging around with his Mother. Twat.

Resilience16 · 31/01/2016 17:08

Hi foggy, sorry this guy is a knob, and you know that in your heart, right? Walk away now with you head held high. If you carry on the emotional abuse will continue and escalate. Bin there, done that. You deserve better.
Good luck x

Quietattheback · 31/01/2016 16:51

He's a basket case OP; an emotionally stunted basket case.

He's not capable of loving and caring for you the way you deserve but here's the kicker, you're not loving and caring for yourself the way you deserve either because if you were, you would have ghosted this fucker by now.

He's shown his true colors now and you've seen it, if you stay you are eroding your own self worth which is worse for you than what he is doing. You need to somehow find a kernel of self love and regard and use that as your impetus to ditch the dead weight.

LovelyFriend · 30/01/2016 23:57

Don't waste any more of your time and energy on him. He's messing with you and you deserve better.

Block and move on. You'll feel better for it soon enough

Morro · 30/01/2016 23:21

Caring people generally don't tend to behave like this charmer.
Block him. Don't engage in any discussion about it.

outlookfoggy · 30/01/2016 23:14

I dont want to continue. Of course I don't. I'm just still quite shocked. I thought he cared about me a lot.

OP posts:

SoleBizzz · 30/01/2016 23:05

If you continue to see this 'man' you will truly be devastated. Take control and get rid. He doesn't want you anyway.

outlookfoggy · 30/01/2016 22:58

Devastated. Can't believe I let it happen. I really cared

OP posts:

Needaninsight · 30/01/2016 22:25

Means he's a total twat.

I've had my fair share of this type of 'relationship' (pre DH)

Now I look back and realise that they knew I was vulnerable, even when I had no clue I was.

Don't waste another 5 mins of your life. This kind of guy will never ever ever change Get rid asap.

SelfLoathing · 30/01/2016 22:21

He didnt act like this at first
Total opposite

But of course. That's how they real you in.

Like any form of emotional or physical abuse the victim needs to be sucked in first.

If the first time you went on a date with a guy he was rude and slapped you across the face, you'd never see him again. Generally people don't end up in physical or emotionally abusive relationship because it was like that from day 1. It's a slow creep.

A bit of abuse. I'm leaving. But I love you darling. Hearts and flowers. A bit more abuse, a bit stronger. I'm leaving. But I love you darling. Hearts and flowers. Next level up abuse. I'm leaving. Ha ha You said that before. I know you won't and who would want someone as pathetic as you. Next level up abuse.

outlookfoggy · 30/01/2016 22:02

I was / am very choosy

He didnt act like this at first

Total opposite

OP posts:

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SoleBizzz · 30/01/2016 21:53

He seems to be an utter fucked up twat. He is and will mess you up. You care he doesn't. Never will. He will hurt and confuse you like you have never known. Dump him. Be more choosy.

outlookfoggy · 30/01/2016 21:44

He was very much saying he liked me very much and was doing all the right things and he convinced me that he cared a lot about me so when he started doing it and it was gradual and got worse it took me a while to understand how nasty behavior it was.

OP posts:

SoleBizzz · 30/01/2016 21:43

It will dent his ego.

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