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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Please help, marriAge and myself

48 replies

Coeliac999 · 28/01/2016 20:13

I'm a horrible person and I've realised this today, me and dh are at breaking point. We have been terrible for a while now. I'm terribly insecure, I question EVERYTHING, who he's texting, where he is, accuse him of cheating, looking at other women etc etc and I didn't realise how bad I had become. I have terrible insecurities about myself, I hate myself Infact. I feel really ugly, horrible and not good enough. I can say nasty things but so does dh while arguing. There's just something I can't get over, a while ago I found dh looking at escorts, I also found him talking to a friend of his while I was in bed (who is a well known escort) all conversation was deleted. He claims he was just looking and wasn't interested. I've also found him looking at a lot of transsexual stuff which he later admitted he likes, I've never known this. This was all a good while back but I feel inadequate. So I get defensive and nasty and make everyone's life's a misery because I can't get over stupid things. I want to make this work and I want to be a better person because I feel like a terrible controlling horrible person.

OP posts:

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AnyFucker · 31/01/2016 10:51

Great advice from pond. Do what she said. Good luck and keep posting if it's helpful.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/01/2016 00:22

It's never easy. Nothing worth doing is. But it's so worth it in the end.

One step at a time. First, see a solicitor. Before you confront him, see a solicitor. You need to know where you stand regarding your home and financial matters (maintenance and support).

You said earlier that you 'can't' talk to family about this. I think you need to think hard about why you feel that way. Are they 'divorce is a sin' people or are you afraid they'll say 'I told you so?'. Or is it just pride that is keeping you from talking to them? Because even if you have to hear 'I told you so' or eat a bit of humble pie it'll be worth it if they'll give you the emotional support you want and need.

Coeliac999 · 30/01/2016 22:34

Well tomorrow is my sons 7th birthday, but Monday will be the day I say goodbye. I can't live like this, I think back at how he's made me feel, made me feel like I'm not good enough, he's got no time for sex, is more interested in looking at other women (and trannys) online. This man has dragged me down far far too much. I know this is going to hurt so much though. What do others do about their children? hes at work a lot, I doubt he will be to have LO much at all

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AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2016 22:23

No, you don't deserve this, not in any way, shape, or form. As far as why you didn't leave earlier, Lovely, that doesn't matter. It's yesterday, dead and gone. Don't worry or chastise yourself for what you didn't do yesterday. The question is; what are you going to do tomorrow?

Coeliac999 · 30/01/2016 22:11

Thanks for replies, I feel extremely angry in both him and myself, 5 year I've put up with this shit. He's out at the pub tonight and I'd normally be besides myself with worry of whom he's texting when drunk etc you know what fuck it, I've honestly given up. Surely I don't deserve this,? I realised so much over these past days that I'm not what he desires I'm just his quick realease that he has no interest in mentally or sexually. Why did I not leave when this all happened??? Argh

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AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2016 22:04

I'm sure he does blame you. But he's wrong and you are not to blame. But blaming you (because you seem to be willing to accept blame) is his way of keeping you 'down' and feeling guilty. And feeling guilty equates to you letting him get away with this shite. Which he then blames on you, which you accept blame for so he can get away with shite. Which he then blames on you….well, you get my drift. You are living your life in a cycle. A vicious cycle to be truthful. And the only way to break that cycle is to just quit.

So, what do you want to do? Because you have two choices. Either you continue the way you are and you find the strength to just 'deal' with the way he is without complaining about it (and die a little each day) OR you make up your mind that you are worth happiness and you take a deep breath and get yourself OUT of this situation. One or the other will have to happen.

hownottofuckup · 30/01/2016 20:37

It really does sound that your only problem here, is him!

AnyFucker · 30/01/2016 10:15

The way to stop "going to bad places" is to end the relationship

Coeliac999 · 30/01/2016 10:09

There's been times he has come in from work at 2am when he was Meant to finish at 11 saying it was busy, There's been deleted texts to someone at work he claims was only 15 and I'm perverted to think anything into it. I'm standing here absolutely furious, I've been to some bad places inside my own head because of that twat? Am I for real?????,,

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Coeliac999 · 30/01/2016 09:54

At the time he was embarrassed and said he was just looking etc wanted to see what real life trannys looked like. But wouldn't talk much and I was just in a state of shock, I hadn't long had DC. Then he started to open a bit more (completely denied knowing this person was an escort) then said he knew but not till after speaking. Told me he'd watched so much porn that he started looking at transsexuals and that's what he liked (which would be fair enough if he actually told me before I found out myself) he just says he has nothing else to say about it now but he must be hiding something I'm not that stupid. There's also been a phase of 'porn addiction' where he would reluctantly have sex with me maybe once a week cause he had to and would sneak off watching porn instead, constantly lying about it. He says he can't look at anything when he goes out because I claim he's looking at other women, I probably do yes

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hownottofuckup · 30/01/2016 09:45

In what way don't you let him have a life?

hownottofuckup · 30/01/2016 09:44

It sounds like you have/are being set up not to question his behaviour.
When you found out about the escorts and porn, were you given the opportunity then to discuss it, was he open and honest, were you allowed to ask questions? It's not just as simple as you getting over it, you need the tools and opportunity to do so.
I do think you should seek counselling, go by yourself initially and see where that takes you.

Coeliac999 · 30/01/2016 09:34

I try not to blame but I feel he blames me as he says I don't let him have a life etc, our DC is 15 month, I have a 7 year old too. I don't know how my 7 year old would deal with it. Also I live no where near his school I don't drive, i wish I could of just got over it

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mintoil · 30/01/2016 09:30

OP, you need to simplify this in your head. I can understand how overwhelming it all feels, but what it boils down to is this:

He did something unacceptable within your marriage - escorts, trans porn etc

You agreed you would try to put it behind you and make the marriage work.

This has not proven possible. You cannot just sweep it under the carpet and move on.

You are now very suspicious and jealous. You do not like the person you have become and this has damaged your self esteem. You now think of yourself as a horrible person.

The only answer here is to leave the relationship. You need to accept that it went wrong, you have tried to resolve things but it hasn't proven possible. Does it help at all to eliminate the concept of blame?

How old are the DC? You really don't have to see him much you know - many people manage this perfectly well.

I believe you will like yourself much more once you are out of what remains of this relationship.

Coeliac999 · 30/01/2016 09:22

I think it all boils down to that, but it was so long ago, I feel like I should of moved on by now but I constantly overthink every single little thing, I've no confidence left.

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bb888 · 30/01/2016 09:05

Why do you feel that you have 'become like this'? Isn't this about his behaviour with escorts?

Coeliac999 · 30/01/2016 08:59

I have no one to talk to, I don't really have friends and I can't speak to family about this. I don't want this to end badly or be angry and blame each other I just think having to see each other will be hell. I don't understand why I've become like this it's so out of character

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AcrossthePond55 · 30/01/2016 00:03

Well, when something is over, it's best to just say 'goodbye' without picking things to pieces. Don't try to find or apportion 'fault'. And especially don't try to do that with the person you are saying goodbye to! As AF suggests, find someone else to support you.

And remember that negative behaviour takes many forms. Just because this one isn't abusing you in the way as your ex, that doesn't mean that his behaviour is ok, iyswim. And just because a relationship may not be 'abusive', that doesn't mean you should stick around if you don't feel secure and valued in it.

AnyFucker · 29/01/2016 22:31

I suggest you look for your comfort by confiding in someone other than the instrument of your distress.

Talk to someone...friend, family member, anyone

Coeliac999 · 29/01/2016 21:22

We both know it's coming to an end and both heartbroken I just don't get it, I presume I just never really knew the real him and never will? I'm very upset

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Coeliac999 · 29/01/2016 19:49

Thanks for replies, he told me he was just looking at what real life trannys look like? Just curious? But he watches tranny porn so why look at that? It's not that he clicked on something either he actually typed it into google with our area! No he's never said anything to put me down I fact he's very very nice and compliments me a lot, this is why I was so confused at the time because if I never saw it with my eyes I would never of guessed he had looked at it as he's so loving, always says I look good etc. Im at a loss and I really can't get over what I thought I could, it was about 1 year ago this I never expected to feel like this now...

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AcrossthePond55 · 29/01/2016 19:43

It sounds to me as if he's given you very good reason to question him. And that he's very good about turning things on you to make you feel that it's wrong to question him.

If someone has a partner who looks at escorts or whatever, it's only natural (but incorrect) to think there's something wrong with themselves. When in truth, it's something wrong with their partner. Has he said things to make you feel unattractive? Even something as supposedly 'innocent' as 'you could lose a bit of weight' even if it's true (looks as self sternly) or 'getting a bit grey there, aren't you' can undermine how we see ourselves and serve their purpose. Their purpose being twofold; 1-looking at escorts/porn/whatever/ is OK because 2-we've let ourselves go so it's our fault.

Think about it.

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AnyFucker · 29/01/2016 19:16

Sorry...

Living with a partner who does that will make your life hell. That is where you are now.

AnyFucker · 29/01/2016 19:15

No. Why would men need to look at escorts to have a wank when there is a plethora of free porn online.

Is that what he told you ? Amongst other barefaced lies ?

Your inability to trust him is fully understandable in the face of his complete untrustworthiness and because he is a deceitful person who would rather make out you are crazy than admit his inadequacy

Living with a partner w

Coeliac999 · 29/01/2016 19:08

But do men not look at escorts for a wank?

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