Out of touch parents and inlaws

[KramerVSKramer]

As the title suggests, my wife and I seem to have a set of the above on both sides.

Mine: alcoholic father and long suffering mother. Keen to please but utterly fussy and annoying with it. Do things because they think they should and not because it comes naturally or necessarily want to. Father breaks his neck to get to the pub on any visit making us feel rushed and uneasy. Have a habit of arguing at family occasions making others feel uneasy. Easily led by friends and colleagues. Always offering advice based on what so and so said at work etc. Pushy with baby names. Drop in unexpectedly. Repeat gossipy conversations frequently. Generally annoying.

Wife's: workaholic dad, stay at home, controlling and partially agarophobic MIL with a spoilt and grabby attitude. Five children so time is split unevenly oiling the issues of whichever sibling needs them at the time which is never us. Unsupportive emotionally, financially or in any other way despite second granddaughter being only weeks away. Never offer to pay despite picking up the bill for more pushy siblings. Does not cook, or eat regular food meaning we can't go out with them to restaurants. Huge anxieties about regular things such as driving in to town and parking the car. Allow rude and ignorant behaviour from wife's siblings despite them all being 20+ years old. Non commital with everything from days out to visiting. All on their terms. Do not lift a finger when they visit even after first DS was born (they left leaving dirty plates and cups strewn all over after visiting us for the first time)

There isn't an easy solution as we rely on both for child care 3 days a week but my goodness, it's hard interacting with these people we call parents.

Not sure why - just needed to post and vent.

Any similar stories or advice?

[Curlywurly4]

at First
**
If they all bother you that much, pay for childcare and distance yourselves.

Both our parents are a nightmare so we keep it infrequent and pleasant. If I had to see either set weekly, I would no doubt be ranting, so we don't do that. It just not worth the stress.

FWIW - my parents are functioning alcoholics and there's no way I would leave DS in their care. It's not emotionally healthy and it's not safe.

[HeavyFrost]

DH loves his, not DG.

And Kramer, the pasting you've got isn't because you self-identified as male. And no one is saying that grandparental childcare means you have to ignore appalling behaviour - it's simply that you seem blinkered about how much you are in fact 'getting' from them, financially and presumably emotionally, as regards their love for your child/children. (Unless you think they are no good as carers for your child, in which case, you should find paid childcare, surely?) Untidiness in your house, or not being able to go to restaurants, or thinking they prioritise other siblings seem a bit small in the scheme of things.

If you can't go to restaurants with them, what bills do they refuse to pick up that they do with pushier siblings?

And I don't honestly think you can blame them for the behaviour of you/your wife's siblings, who are presumably all adults and responsible for themselves...

[Whatthefreakinwhatnow]

Why on earth is not going to a wedding dress fitting a problem?! I couldn't think of anything less boring tbh.

Your last post makes you and your wife sound even more vile to be honest, you are massively, massively unreasonable to quibble about such minor things in the face of saving in excess of 6k a year!

[HeavyFrost]

Honestly, OP, this all sounds a bit petty. We don't have any childcare help from GPs to sweeten the deal, and deal with the effects of my father's probable, though undiagnosesd Asperger's (anxiety about the slightest deviation from routine, needing to know several weeks in advance about the slightest novelty, extreme anxiety about finding a parking place or driving half a mile off a familiar route, droning half-hour monologues at any family events, complete inflexibility and rage about changes to plans), all four parents' dislike of 'restaurant food', my mother being very easily led into appallingly racist/sexist/homophobic opinions because a local radio presenter says so, and she thinks that anything on TV or radio is gospel, and passing on private information about us we have specifically asked her not to because she is afraid of attracting dislike if she withholds anything from whoever asks her nosy questions. Amnesia about some fairly appalling things they exposed us to in childhood.

That's only my parents! I could do another list for my PILs, which would, yes, include favouritism towards DH's siblings and very difficult behaviour when visiting, including pretty appalling table manners and the piling of plates covered in leftovers in the general vicinity of the dishwasher, vocal horror at our son's name, increasingly vocal attempts to have us get him baptised.

Some of those things are just age-related, too - all four are in their 70s - I notice my father's AS-style behaviour has become far more entrenched in the last ten years, and my mother is more anxious and risk-averse, and my MIL's increasing deafness makes her less amenable to sensible conversation and more inclined to monologue bossily.

But I love my parents, and my DG loves his, and our three year old loves them all. They won't be around for ever, and while I'm the last one to preach about blood being thicker than water, because I do think bullshit is thicker than either, I think they're doing the best they can, and we rub along. They're not going to change, suddenly, in their mid-70s.

[FirstWeTakeManhattan]

self obsessed, mean and all topped off with an opinionated forceful manner

Is it a family thing, do you think?

[Lancelottie]

Why did your MIL need to attend your wife's wedding dress fitting? Was she planning to share it?

But back to the OP:
Maybe they don't offer to pay because you owe them, hugely, for doing the childcare.
Maybe they don't offer you extra support because they are already doing the childcare.
Maybe they are unwilling to commit to events because they are already tied down enough by doing so much childcare.
Maybe they seem argumentative because you need a lot of telling in order to get the point?

Look, you are very, very definitely being unreasonable. Either you are unreasonably leaving your children with a bunch of no-hopers, or you are exaggerating the faults of some ordinary, mildly irritating, well-meaning people who are doing you a huge favour. I can't see an option in which you come out of this with the high moral ground, really.

[MrsJayy]

Soo you let these people look after your children but hey its free right so its fine get childcare sorted pay for it and your children wont be exposed to neurotic alcholic adults

[starsorwater]

You are both adults.
Nobody owes you anything.
You sound spoilt, entitled and boring.

Pay for your own childchare and then you will be in a slightly better position to call them emotionally vacant, self obsessed, mean and opinionated.

Wedding dress fittings and your need or not for fish and chips are not moving me to any sympathy.

You are being given a HUGE amount of help, many many grandparents would not agree to such a regular commitment- I wouldn't for one.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Just because you find them irritating will you load that baggage onto your children? Depending on them for childcare in that case is hypocritical.

Kramer not to be morbid but have you and your wife thought through about who would look after your children in the event of your death before they reach 18? If you haven't already written a will, feeling as you do please give some thought to whether family or friends would bring your children up.

[KramerVSKramer]

The childcare is split one day at my parents and two at my wife's. It helps out massively. We appreciate this help and are very vocal about showing our appreciation.

My father is a functioning alcoholic. He drinks daily but only at night and never in he presence of my child. He doesn't put my son at risk with his drinking. It isn't to the extent where he could be under the influence the day after the night before.

If we thought there was a risk then of course we would have to remove it.

Let's say my inlaws didn't look after our child(ren) - they'd still be falling short as parents for my wife who has been a supportive daughter, sibling etc but who has rarely received support when needed in return. MIL even cancelled on my wife's wedding dress fitting in favour of some small last minute plans. We are talking emotionally vacant, self obsessed, mean and all topped off with an opinionated forceful manner.

At the moment we feel as though we have to accept it because of the childcare. The only way to alter this is to pay for childcare as most of you have pointed out.

I'll talk it through with my wife. Thanks.

[BlondeOnATreadmill]

3 days a week childcare, is saving you £6200 per annum, in Nursery Fees.

So, for your pre-school years, around £27,000.

Not to mention, once your dc is at school, you'll not have to pay for after school clubs.

Yeh, I think I could clear up a few chip wrappers for people who were doing this for me.

And do you know what, it's not just about the money. Don't you think that at their age, and after raising many children of their own, that they must be bloody knackered. Where are their twi-light years?

And you're not even grateful.

And it has nothing to do with the fact that you're a man. I don't know why you'd draw that conclusion, it's because you are using them and then bitching behind their backs.

Yes, the messy stuff would be annoying. But see the bigger picture.

[Whatthefreakinwhatnow]

3 days a week in a nursery here is £165, so over the course of a month your parents are providing you with £660 of financial support, that's pretty substantial help if you ask me!

And if you live in London it'll be even more than that!!

[SerenityReynolds]

Agree with all above. There do sound like there might well be some difficult issues with both sets of grandparents. But they evidently weren't serious enough for you to refuse free childcare from them! I also sniggered at your assertion that they provide no financial/emotional support for you as they do so much for various siblings (including childcare for them as well, I wonder?)

You sound very ungrateful and (at the risk of overusing the word on here) entitled. If you have issues with them, fine. Then fork out for alternative childcare. Or acknowledge they are doing you a massive favour and live with it.

[Whatdoidohelp]

They sound unsuitable for childcare imo. You must agree to have detailed all there shortcomings as you have. Can you afford childcare elsewhere.

[Whatthefreakinwhatnow]

I too have an alcoholic parent and the two of them irritate the life out of me and do/have done a lot of things that have hurt or inconvenienced us.

This is why my eldest child is cared for by a child minder whilst I am at work (on mat leave right now though ) as A- I wouldn't trust the alcoholic with their safety and B- I can't stand them!

Either make peace with what you dislike about them, or stop using them as free childcare. It's pretty diststestful to criticise someone so harshly when they are saving you 6, 7 hundred pounds a month in childcare fees!

[bigbadbarry]

Sorry Kramer, you are getting a bit of a bashing. But not because you are male, because you claim they are financially and emotionally unsupportive yet they provide 3 days of childcare, which must save you a good deal of money. (Plus, I imagine they don't require you to take annual leave if your child is sick, unlike a nursery.) It is financial support, just of a different type to handing over a wodge of cash.
Families are annoying. It's just part of the deal.

[HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime]

Time is split between siblings but never you? But you get three days of childcare?

^ this. You can't have it both ways.

[schlong]

I can imagine what they say about you. Stick your hand in your pocket and pay for decent childcare instead of demonising them. If this isn't a wind up, natch.

[BlondeOnATreadmill]

So, you are leaving your children with these "alcoholic, controlling, grabby" people, 3 days a week?

That's utter guff - they can't be that bad, if you are comfortable with them caring for your kids.

I can't stand people who use their parents for free childcare, and then moan about them. Have you any idea how lucky you are to have this help, and how much money they are saving you?

You either take the rough with the smooth, or remove your children from their care and start paying nursery fees instead.

My guess is that you want the free child care and as soon as that's done, you'd like them to bugger off. Nice.

[JessicaJones]

They are not going to change OP. If you can't cope seeing them so regularly you are going to have do something about the childcare. No bashing here, but you must be able to see the contradictions in your post?

You can't complain about how awful they are as people and then say, oh, it's not so bad that I'd stop using them for childcare. It is completely within your control to see less of them, if you want to.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"This is in no way severe enough to warrant pulling our child away from them. It's just that their difficult ways and neurotic approach make daily dealings difficult. A bind. When they really needn't be"

You really think these people can or will at all become better people by them looking after your child?. What would make it severe enough for you to warrant pulling your child away from them?.

Your above comment is naive at best and wrong at worst. You are putting your child directly in their firing line by using either set of parents at all as childcare. You cannot deal with them because they are toxic and too difficult for you to deal with. Its the self same deal for your child too.

[MoominPie22]

But surely, regarding the mess they leave anyway, you have spoken to them about that at least? That is something that is presumably easier to tackle, as opposed to them changing their personalities and habits. That would piss me off massively too but you just tell them straight don´t you? No biggie.

If you keep schtum then you´re giving them the message that it´s OK to behave like that. I wouldn´t dream of doing what they do but nor are they mind readers. But don´t think that you´re unable to confront them about certain aspects of their behaviour ( like the inconsideration and mess ) just cos they look after your child. That´s not a free pass for them to do what the hell they like, especially whilst at your house!

[NerrSnerr]

Time is split between siblings but never you? But you get three days of childcare?

I also didn't realise you were a man. If they're that bad then stop leaving your children with them and pay for childcare like everyone else does.

[Prayingforsnow]

Ok just spotted the 'alcoholic' father. But you are not concerned enough to stop him looking after your dc?

[Prayingforsnow]

I don't call three days of childcare a week 'unsupportive.' If they do that for you, what's a few chip shop wrappers and dirty cups?

Honestly they seem like normal parents to me. If I listed the faults of my parents and in-laws it might read worse than yours but you take the good with the bad.