Angry husbands non-relationship with my teenage son

[piegirl99]

We met when my son was 3, and married when my son was 8. My husband is absolutely great - most of the time. When he and I are alone he's perfect, but when it comes to 'our' son he's very impatient and quick to anger. He's big on rules and discipline, like his own Dad was with him. DS is 16, and has been giving us problems, poor exam results, smoking, both weed and cigarettes, ...so I'm not under any illusions, but he is essentially a good kid, great fun and very bright, just not applying himself. My son and I are very alike in temperament, we don't like confrontation, aggression or dominant behaviour - all of which come to the fore in my husbands dealings with DS. DS responds to talking, discussion, understanding. I feel caught in the middle, DS certainly warrants boundaries and guidance, but its DHs delivery I can't stand...he's never physical but he gets so ANGRY, shouting and screaming...it really upsets both me and DS, to the point of tears from both of us. I cant talk to him about Ds without us arguing - he says I always defend DS, I say he always attacks. Its like its DHs way or no way, we find ourselves saying "We'll have to ask DH first" before we do things or make plans and now I'm reading this as I'm typing it it sounds a bit like bullying. I love DH but he's so .....strict. He has nothing in common with DS and they do nothing together, never have done, but DH didn't with his own Dad - who he loves dearly by the way. In a low moment DS told me he hates DH and doesn't want to be in the same house. DS biological Dad is on the scene but with a family of his own. Feels like its me and DS against DH and I'm getting worried for my relationship with DH. DH has a history of depression and is on anti depressants which really do the job, but DS is now saying he's depressed too and wants to see a doctor......I'm so trapped in the middle!

[SkiptonLass2]

He's a good husband and father, unless he's screaming at your son?

This will sound harsh but you know that sounds like 'he's great most of the time unles I xxx then he hits me..'

He's screaming and making your som miserable thus he is not a good father. Full stop. It's that simple.

Your poor son is learning that you put his needs and happiness second. It's likely no coincidence he's acting up.

Put your son first. Show him, in no uncertain terms that he matters by standing up for him against your husband. No one should have to grow up feeling like this.

[Pipestheghost]

Get your son away from this aggressive, abussive twat. I bet you'll find his mental health will dramatically improve when you do.

[pocketsaviour]

Despite your protestations of your h having been a 'great dad', I'm inclined to believe that he's always been an out and out bad tempered bully and that the reason he's taken to screaming and shouting at your ds is because he's no longer the biddable child he once was.

100% agree with Goddess.

If you want to try to work things out, then family therapy would be something to consider, but before that I suggest you get your DS individual therapy as his current situation is clearly making him ill and he needs an adult who has his best interests at heart. Unfortunately it's looking very much like you don't :(

You might try asking your H, "Do you think it is helping DS's behaviour when you scream and shout in his face until he cries? Do you see a rapid improvement in his attitude and achievements after you've spent half an hour cunting him off? No? OH, HOW SURPRISING. Maybe you should try speaking to DS like a human being instead of the shit on your shoe."

Don't hold your breath for any improvement on your H's part though - I had almost an identical conversation with my DS's birth dad and although it was entertaining for me to point out what a stupid, illogical prick he was being, it didn't help matters. Because he was a stupid, illogical, bullying prick.

[Cloudhowe63]

There is a huge difference between 'being strict' and shouting aggressively. You describe your ds as 'a good kid, great fun and very bright'. Your dh's approach doesn't sound like the supportive approach your 'good kid' deserves. Teenage brains are essentially rewiring for adulthood. They are very different from younger children and while this stage is essential, they can often feel out of control too. They need adults who can deal with the roller coaster calmly and supportively without throwing petrol on the flames.