Do I give it another go?

[fantasyworld]

DH and I separated just over eight months ago. The decision was unilateral from me after years of feeling deeply unhappy and having to support the family financially, emotionally, practically and in every other respect over a period of about six years. I had previously raised my unhappiness many times, but was ignored, ridiculed or belittled. It was a classic case of me reaching the point of no return and one day just cracking and saying "enough". Since then, things have been pretty hard, as DH is still not accepting the situation and continues to recriminate that we should have done more to address the problems in our relationship. Our DD, who is five, took it very badly initially, however is now starting to settle into a new routine. She sees her dad three days a week, including one overnight stay. We are trying to be civil to each other, at least in front of our daughter, and most of the time manage to do so. Since we've separated, if I'm completely honest, I haven't missed him. I feel lonely at times, yes, and being a lone parent is no picnic, but I felt like I was a single parent when we were together anyway, as I used to get no support from him. If anything, I find that things are easier and more straightforward now that I don't have to carry him as well. And yet, when he, like today, points out that we would all be better off together, and that I am basically ruining our daughter's life and mine in the process, there is a part of em that believes that and I doubt myself. There is a part of me that looks back at the good times and wishes that we could go back to that. I just don't know what to do. Our issues are big, but not unsurmountable. I can see he is making a big effort to address some of those issues: he is now earning good money; he is being more attentive and reliable; he is attending counseling. But try as I may, I still don't trust him. After all, he had everything to lose in this separation and everything to gain if we get back together, so of course he would erasures for that to happen. I am also very wary of giving it another go and things falling apart again; I've seen it happen and it would be devastating to our daughter, who is only starting to adapt to the new situation. Has anyone else been in this predicament? Do people really change?

[newname99]

I separated when my DD was the same age as yours is now (lovely age BTW). She is now an adult and absolutely hasn't suffered as a result of the separation.She is in a good relationship with a man who she respects and they are a partnership.Separating showed her that women shouldn't have to put up with being poorly treated.I thrived post separation and as a result had more to give to her.Reflect on how your mothering will be impacted if you are stressed, unhappy and resentful.

I really don't like his comments about your background, that is is very disrespectful.Your upbringing taught you to take responsibility and he should value that.

When you reflect on happier times you are looking at the easy times.However I think the measure of the relationship is how you can reflect about your partner during the rough times.Was he there when you needed him? He's not seemingly there for you now.He could change but counselling will be a long process, think at least 18months and during that time his emotions could be up/down.

Consider counselling or even reading books on the inner child for yourself..We each have baggage from childhood and perhaps the guilt for your DD is coming from your own personal experiences.

[mix56]

This, You'd be a fool to go back to a man who is still working so hard to blame you for not working out the relationship, when he ignored your unhappiness until he lost you.

[Gobbolino6]

You'd be a fool to go back to a man who is still working so hard to blame you for not working out the relationship, when he ignored your unhappiness until he lost you. I believe people can change, but I see no evidence he has done so on any meaningful level.

[fantasyworld]

Well, my mum kicking my dad out kind of did affect the rest of my life. I shuffled between two households, experienced neglect and inappropriate adult behavior, it wasn't fun but it was all I knew so I accepted it. When I was a teenager I went quite off the rails, put myself in lots of dangerous situations, and this continued until I met my husband really. There are differences in that DH is actually a much more responsible and committed person than my father ever was, but still. It was not good. Yes I would have otherwise grown up believing that it is ok for a man to do fuck all and not contribute and reap all the benefits of being in a relationship...oh wait, that happened anyway. Sorry I'm not sure where I'm going with this post, just venting. Writing it down helps.

[Lookatyourwatchnow]

Oh please don't get back with him. You sound lovely and he will suck the life out of you.

[12purpleapples]

You aren't ruining your daughters life. You are showing her a strong mother What would you want your daughter to do if she was in your situation? You can help her make good decisions in the future by being a positive role model now.

[fantasyworld]

Pannacott, very interesting insights there...I don't think he'd cope with any of the points you've raised. He is simply outraged that I've made the decision to separate, he is furious and I guess that comes from his mindset...interestingly, his sisters, who were brought up in the same household, are not nearly as condemning, in fact they have been very supportive of me, as have his parents, and they have been actively encouraging me to be more assertive with him...

Justaboy, I would have to see real change, which I'm not seeing, in spite of superficial (though not insignificant) changes...haven't tried writing, but we've had many conversations, plus counseling, where I expressed my reasons for wanting to separate; it just does not seem to go in. Like you said though, it's early days. I'm not in a rush to get a divorce, though in my darkest moments I wish it was already all done and dusted. I guess time will tell. What I'm starting to realize is, I'm not ready. And if I'm honest with myself, other than the occasional twinge, I don't miss him. The most devastating thought is that I'm ruining our daughter's life with this decision- that she'll never be able to have that nuclear family- history repeating itself etc etc (my parents separated when I was the same age). Gah, it's a horrible business isn't it.

[Jan45]

So he is hurt and that's why he is nasty - nah sorry that don't wash with me, you are hurt to but don't act like that - he does it OP cos it's who he is, he still thinks he's entitled and takes no responsibility.

You gave him plenty chances, he ignored, you are now separated, he still has done nothing to change anything, so going back for what?

So what if he is a good dad, doesn't make him a good partner!

I think you are in denial and wanting to think the best, just be careful as reality appears differently to us onlookers.

[mix56]

Do you remember how unhappy you were before ?" Just The decision was unilateral from me after years of feeling deeply unhappy
But he wasn't unhappy because he was doing nothing ! but he still doesn't seem to accept the responsibility for pushing you too far. So what makes it different the 2nd time around?

[Justaboy]

Close one this! He really has to see that he's hurting and upsetting you as I believe that you would have him back if you could see that he has changed his ways which are of course deep set.

As you say he hasn't really "sinned" like running around with another woman etc but there is a doubt there that does he really mean what he says.

Even after my wife betrayed me there was still a longing for things as they once were, as they were good i never thought that they could be better with anyone else but in my case several other dynamics have changed so it wouldn't really work. Your relationship with a young Daughter is different and I think if he could change then it would work.

Question is how an you go about it?. Does he really know what upsets and hurts you probably best if you wrote it down, sometimes that can work very well might just might be worth a try trying that and well you don't have to get divorced as such there's no rush is there?. So you have some time to play with. Only problem is your feeling are rather delicate but its either that or divorce and that too which isnt without pain either!

[Pannacott]

Ok, just to try a very slight devil's advocate, because it does sound like things have been good in the past... He is so angry with you! How can he get past that? No way can you get back together until he understands and respects why you ended the relationships, and stops punishing you. Secondly, he'd be embarking on the relationship with the knowledge that you will end it again, if he behaves in ways that you find intolerable. Can he bear that? Can he understand that that is normal and acceptable? Will he not find that too challenging, and make him too anxious / angry? I'm not suggesting you do get back together with him, but until he can get on board with these aspects I wouldn't even be considering it.

[mix56]

It still sounds like he is entitled & judgemental, he still thinks whatever he does is his right & you are misbehaving.
You don't have to be enemies, enjoy your flat !

[tipsytrifle]

You only have to be fair to yourself btw ... especially so since he isn't!

[tipsytrifle]

There's no rational connection between giving up a bad relationship and never experiencing a good one ever again. Or even giving up a good relationship and never experiencing a good one ever again. Settling for what you've got and feeling totally unsatisfied or abused is wrong at every level.

Turning your back on one thing means you're turning towards something else in the future. What do you want to do, fantasyworld?

[fantasyworld]

Thank you for all the replies, in the spirit of fairness, I feel that I have probably misrepresented him: he is not a terrible person, he is actually a very good guy, he's been giving me twice the monthly money that I asked him, he is committed to seeing his child regularly and he is a wonderful father (truly). He just can't get his head around the situation as, like someone on here pointed out, he genuinely thought I would never leave. People in his family don't separate, end of. Trouble is, when he is hurt, he does turn nasty and comes across as an entitled twat. I don't think that's the "real him", but he still has me flaring my nostrils (other highs have been being called "a false feminist" because I told him I wanted to stay in the flat, which I've paid the mortgage on for six years...I could go on). My point is, when things were good, they were really, really good. We were best friends, confided in each other, laughed till we cried, had great sex etc. I'm just gutted at the thought that that can never been again. I feel like I'm not only turning my back on this marriage, but on the very idea of ever being in such a union again and ever experiencing that again with anyone.

[ageofgrandillusion1]

Even when he is trying to get back with you he still can't help acting like an entitled pick by the sounds of it. Stay well clear OP.

[mix56]

hasn't rethought !

[mix56]

obviously there will be some nostalgia, you did love him once. However, his criticising, even down to whether you want to touch/kiss hello, tells me he still thinks he has the right to control you.
He says its your fault...... clearly ha can't rethought his actions at all.
The only thing that has changed is that he is now working......
Do yourself a favour, don't look back. He fucked up, its still not his fault.

Been there, got the T shirt.

[Ikeameatballs]

Absolutely NO!

I split with ex-p and he made all sorts of short term superficial changes including going to counselling which I dragged myself along to twice (though counsellor was v good and on my side so to speak), getting a decent job and sorting out a flat for himself.

We are now 3 years on from the split. He has no reliable job, has been convicted of drink driving, has twice refused to see the children as I've been in a relationship and has made no financial contribution to their upkeep. I've never been happier.

Please do not return to this man who takes no responsibility for his actions.

[Jan45]

Are you sure he is even going to counselling, the way he blames you and proclaims you and your child would be better of with him just signifies his complete lack of understanding and also the fact that he loves to put the blame on you, if he had said that to me, he'd have got two barrels, the relationship ended due to his own lack of fucken support, not yours, he's one cheeky nasty git, the more I read....

[AnyFucker]

You don't even like him, and who could blame you ?

It's another no from me

[FredaMayor]

As you have said, OP, you don't trust your own feelings at the moment, and the danger at the moment is that you let sentimentality for a not-very-good relationship pull you back under.

Read over what you have written here whenever you feel yourself wavering, and take strength from that.

[tipsytrifle]

He told you that you weren't greeting him "properly" and you adjusted your behaviour despite utter revulsion. That kind of answers the questions "Do you want to try again? Do you desire this man?" and all that stuff. Not to mention the nasty, cruel slant to his every word and his playing judge and jury over you. Horrible, horrible man

You're regaining your own emotional balance and self. Why jeopardise everything you've achieved?

[pocketsaviour]

he’s even remonstrated in the past that I wasn’t “greeting him properly”, so now I try to do a polite kiss on the cheek, but sometimes I don’t even feel like doing that.

This made my stomach churn. He still thinks he owns your body. Stop doing things you don't want to do. It's your body and if you want to shake his hand, wave at him or give him the finger, that's up to you.

He is a thoroughly unpleasant man. Don't for one minute believe he's changed. He's STILL blaming you for everything!

I understand that nostalgic thing that sometimes occurs. But it's not nostalgia for what you had with him - it's nostalgia for what you wished it could be.

[Jan45]

So in other words, he definitely doesn't have your back, he's sure to cover his own backside though eh.

Can't think one reason to try again, he's not even acknowledging any mistakes, he actually sounds incredibly immature.