Do you think it's possible to be totally unlovable?

[Blatherskite]

Do you think it's possible to be universally unloveable in the long term?

Are there people in the world who just have a time limit on the amount of time that people can stand being around them?

So no matter who or when or where or why, after a certain amount of time, every relationship will come crashing down and end when the other person realises that person A is awful. This includes parents, siblings, partners, friends and even possibly children.

I think I might be one of these people.

I'm 37 now so have had many years to test my theory and I'm really becoming convinced and it sucks. It's got to be my fault so what do I do about it?

[ChubbyChecker360]

This is a case of rock bottom self esteem, I suffer from it too. Some people seem to able to sniff this out, take what they want then cut you loose.
You are not unloveable at all and nobody is truly a monster we are just all flawed and capable of bad things.
You've just had more than your fair share of arseholes. Don't cling to or maintain a friendship if it seems very one sided. Real friends and people who love you will have a lot more understanding believe me I have had alsorts done to me but still see good in people and can forgive.

[something2say]

This is a self fulfilling prophecy.
I understand. Fifteen years of child abuse taught me, I promise I understand.
But YOU have to stop it. I get that feelings like this rise up, but the thing to do is to find some god damn way to make them go away.
You see the link between experiences, how they make us feel and how we then go on to behave? Are you pushing people away? I get that, I have done it.
But you MUST find a way to interrupt it.

Start with this.
Something, someone, somewhere knows all about you and loves you right where you are, right in this head space, knowing all you have suffered, loves you to heaven and hell and back again and would fight to the death rather than see you hurt.

[FreshHorizons]

My best wishes.

[Blatherskite]

Thanks everyone for your input. I slept for 13 hours straight (and yes, did fall asleep hoping that I wouldn't wake up) but today is slightly better. The children seem to know that I need some extra hugs and have made me smile today.

I'll sort some more counselling and an increase in my antidepressants and hopefully that will help.

[RingUpRingRingDown]

You are not unlovable, you've just had he terrible misfortune to have been surrounded by toxic people.

I was brought up by a toxic mother (my father is lovely but too scared of my mother to stand up to her). I was told all through childhood that I was not a likeable person, that nobody would ever want to marry me, that I was fat and ugly (in fact I was never fat, I'm no looker but not hideously ugly ), nobody would want to be my friend, everyone else was much nicer and better than me etc etc.

I didn't start to realise that the problem was her not me until I left home and met dh. I couldn't believe that anyone would like me and fall for me but he did! And actually, over the years, I've had quite a few men fall for me (nothing happened but not for want of trying on their part). I had counselling which was very very painful but helped no end.

I still have moments - usually prompted by a phonecall or visit from my mother - where I crumble and revert to being someone who thinks they're worthless and hopeless at everything (had a day or two like that this week) but I have the tools within me now to talk myself out of it.

In terms of friendships, I do think you have to like yourself and understand yourself a little bit in order to make friends. I've only really been able to do this in my 40s but now have some wonderful friends. In my 20s and early 30s I didn't really have female friends at all.

[ThisIsStillFolkGirl]

Hey, if it's ok with you, I'm going to tell you a little bit about me, because I could have written your op, still could and, in fact, have in the past.

My mother said similar things. I could write a long list of things 'wrong' with me, that my mother didn't like, but I couldn't tell you a single thing she liked about me.

But I had similar things, long lists of reasons why I am unloveable. Everything from every aspect of my physical appearance from my head to toe, personality, character traits... she continually dismantled me from the outside in. She told me she didn't like me, love me and all the reasons why no one else would either.

I can't afford therapy so I'm self helping where I can and keeping myself shut away where I can't.

I also find it easy to make friends but find it difficult to maintain and sustain them. And don't even get me started on romantic relationships..! I'm single, with a very small handful of simple friendships without emotional closeness (with one exception).

I do want to offer you one ray of hope. My children are amazing and they do love me. I didn't trust it for years, but my son is now 17 and by the time I was his age, I was a sad and confused broken mess of a girl. My thinking was erratic, I was socially isolated and already on anti depressants and in hypnotherapy for panic attacks all caused by a lifetime of emotional abuse and suffering. I didn't love my mother by then.

But my son? He couldn't be more different. He tells me he loves me, he hugs me, he is confident and kind and funny and thoughtful and caring and happy and self assured... and my daughter is going the same way. They couldn't be more different to me at their ages!

I wasn't born broken, I was made that way by a damaged mother who punished me for her own perceived failings and anger, and my inability to make it all right.

The one thing I can see is that I am a much better mother to them than she was to me and it sounds as though you are heading the same way.

It feels transient at the moment because, if you are anything like me, you tell yourself they don't love you, they just need you and that, as soon as they see the real you, they will be off. I thought the same, but those children love the mother who loves them.

Be kind to yourself x

[RiceCrispieTreats]

You have internalised your parent's voice. I feel for you. And I understand the feeling that therapy isn't budging that voice.

The thing that really turned things around for me was meditation - specifically "loving kindness" and "forgiveness" meditation. At the start it was just incongruous for me to try to direct either of those at myself. It just didn't work. But the realisation of that gap, and also the practice of directing love and forgiveness towards others, helped me to eventually figure out how to love and forgive myself, too.

So maybe give Buddhist talks and meditation a try, if you're interested.

But mostly I just wanted to say that I feel for you, and also that I believe you CAN change the way you feel about yourself.

[FreshHorizons]

Basically you have friends and loving children at the moment and your big problem is that you think you don't deserve it and it will all end. This is the damage done to you as a child. It is too simplistic to tell you to think differently, so maybe you need further counselling to concentrate on breaking the cycle.
Try and see it as a cycle and a bit like a hamster on a wheel, you need to find a way to get off it and have a new start.

[ravenmum]

I'm glad to hear you are holding it together for the kids. Well done too for doing a better job than your parent. I really hope you can break the cycle.

[ravenmum]

Maybe it keeps happening because of the damage your parent caused. Maybe because relationships are just much harder than we expect, and happy ever afters much rarer. Maybe a mix of the two. It may seem obvious to you now that it's the reason you think, but really, in your current situation you are very likely not well enough to be judging it right.

[Blatherskite]

We live together. The children and I are really close at the moment. We tell each other we love each other a lot and are very cuddly and affectionate. They are, on the surface, very lucky children.

It won't always be this way though.

[Blatherskite]

Children are 8 (almost 9) and 6.

95% of the counselling I had was in relation to that specific relationship.

I've done the crying over photos of that child and trying to believe that she was OK. I've mentally gone through looking after her when my other parent wouldn't. There is really no point in being angry for her.

I have worked hard to get over it but it keeps happening over and over so it would seem to be the truth.

[ravenmum]

Even if your children don't live with you or are rejecting you for some reason at the moment, that doesn't mean they are indifferent to anything that happens to you. If you are thinking that way, you must really be in the grip of depression. It's not the healthy you thinking that.

[FreshHorizons]

How old are your children?

[junebirthdaygirl]

The lie of your parent is still in your head. That was a totally horrible and even worse a total lie. You are living under that message. Have you gone through counselling for that specific relationship because you will expect everyone to hate you until you get past that. Which ever one of your parents said that is so off the wall. You did not deserve that. It's such a lie and l feel so angry on behalf of that little child.

[IrenetheQuaint]

Oh God! Sorry to hear that your parent was so abusive. The problem is clearly with them not you.

[FreshHorizons]

Children are very loyal. They love the parent they have and not some 'ideal' one.Break the cycle and don't let your abusive parent win.

[FreshHorizons]

ravenmum is right. It explains your whole problem. Your parent was abusive and you are still living with the results.

[Marryoneorbecomeone]

What ravenmum said^^

There's some kind of self fulfilling prophesy going on

[ravenmum]

That's not proof that you're unlovable. It's an explanation for the lack of self-esteem which is probably helping to scupper your relationships.

[Blatherskite]

It's not just friends though. One of my parents hates me. Not in a 'we don't talk much/I always feel they're disapproving of me' way but in a proper 'has looked me in the eye and told me "I hate you" since I was a small child' way. We haven't spoken for 19 years now.

This parent was also the one who told me that "people only like you because they don't know you well enough to hate you yet". Which is true.

Husband is on his way out. Then it'll be the children.

At least then I'll have no ties.

[IrenetheQuaint]

Maybe you are so keen to be nice that you are coming across as a bit dull - might that be possible? Also, if you don't like yourself people will subconsciously pick up on it and undervalue you too.

[ravenmum]

Do go and have your antidepressants re-evaluated, too. Maybe the level or type is not quite right for your current state of mind. The time of year alone is not great if you tend to get depressed. The facts are real, obviously, but watch out for yourself as it may be the chemistry of your head making you feel so hopeless.

[FreshHorizons]

On the plus side you find friends and a lot of people can't do that.

[FreshHorizons]

I think that you have to love yourself first and you don't. I think it is a low self esteem problem. You expect friends to move on and it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.