What's the secret of going through life without getting bullied?

[EverythingChangesButChocolate]

I am 39 and feel like I've been bullied all of my life in various, but not every, scenarios.

I was not bullied at primary school but we moved to a new area for secondary school, a town where they don't welcome newcomers, and I was bullied from day one there. It didn't help that I started at the beginning of the 2nd year so everyone else had bonded during the previous year. The bullying did not seem to be limited to one bully or group of bullies, it was loads of kids, male and female. I did eventually make a few friends, whom I am still friends with now, but the bullying was always going on in the background and putting a dampener on things.

I left at 16, went to college, and there was a queen bee type of girl on my course who instantly disliked me and made my year there hell.

Left after a year, got a job. Worked there until I had my eldest child, and it was fine but then when I was pregnant I was totally bullied by my managers. They took my desk and role away from me and were really nasty. I left after having DD.

Since then I have had various bullying situations. I was bullied in another job by the top salesman who didn't like me at all and used to call me a whore and the manager would just laugh, then have a go at me if I complained about how the salesman spoke to me.

I went to a toddler group a few years ago, met a group of women and was friends with them all then suddenly they excluded me and all stopped talking to me, but bitched about me to others.

And now, years later, two mums from my youngest child's year at school have taken an instant dislike to me and have made it clear that they do not like me. I get glares, and they recently organised a mums night out for mums from that year group and I was not invited.

What the hell am I doing wrong? I do have friends but I just meet people that seem to loathe me from day 1! I'm not super quiet or hard work, neither am I loud and opinionated, I'd say I'm just pretty normal really.

I should probably add too that I was brought up by a violent bully dad, who bullied me physically until I left home at 20, and an enabler mum. Both have always told me I'm useless and horrible. Oh and a teacher at secondary school used to join in with my bullying too, and said I was the most unpopular, isolated child she'd ever known!

[Alastrante]

I think the secret is to have a life that goes on beyond those awful people, and when you have the chance, to get rid of shitheads in your life, full stop.

When at school I was bullied and because I lived in a rural village there was really no escape from my life except to head inwards. I wrote novels in my head, got really into music, read a lot. I don't regret any of that or see it as sad. I think I was lucky to have the motivation to learn so much that's brought me pleasure.

When I left home I left that behind and any bullying I've seen attempted on me (e.g. by a particularly belligerent boss) has been water off a duck's back because I have a life with friends, things I do that don't involve work, my inner life. Being able to say 'for some minutes of each day this person will try to be a c**t to me but whatever' is a skill. (Within reason of course!)

The last time I employed it was at the school gate. I sized up the people there, am friends with two of them, but the rest - just not getting involved! Not even trying. Very happy not to have that drain on my time tbh. One mum took against me and did the whole campaign of 'I'm not having it' when I didn't wibble with personal shame when my kid hit her particularly obnoxious and equally belligerent kid. La la la.

Getting rid of shitheads has meant a bit of heartache along the way - sometimes you feel friends have turned on you. With hindsight it's not friends who turn on you, it's people with their own issues and nine times out of ten it's deep-rooted in them (providing you haven't been acting like a sheathed yourself!). I've done it with family too - I'm not particularly hardcore but I definitely don't want drama and unpleasantness in my life unless I ask for it. I distance myself very well and keep my close friends close. It's a good way to be.

Anyway, that's my main advice: do things that YOU love and don't feel the need to share them with people who give you grief. Being you will gradually bring you strength, and those people should fade into the background of your life. Good luck!

[zoemaguire]

I was bullied as a teenager. I think the key was low self-esteem. I gave her the benefit of being visibly affected by her actions. It does sound victim-blaming, but it's more a case of why bullies pick on particular people rather than others. Now I'm in my late 30s, I can't imagine being bullied. I simply wouldn't put up with it. Somebody did try once with the cutting little comments and subtle putdowns, and I cut off the 'friendship' with barely a backward glance. The key I think is that is I'm pretty happy in myself now. Not to say that I don't have moments of insecurity, but on the whole, if somebody is unpleasant to me I am genuinely nonplussed rather than particularly bothered. There's a mum at school who is weirdly 'off' at my attempts to be chatty, so I don't really bother acknowledging her at all now. It's amazing what giving off an air of confidence does to attract people to you and deter unpleasantness.

Unfortunately I see in my kids that one is sadly much more likely to be bullied than the other. Interestingly it is the more socially adept one who also cares deeply about what others think about him who I fear for. My DD is a loner who gives off serious 'I don't give a fuck' vibes - she's pretty bullet-proof .

In terms of advice, I'd say the key is to work on your own feelings of lack of confidence. Start hobbies that make you feel good about yourself, and make a wide group of acquaintances in different networks so that the loss of one friendship doesn't feel like a catastrophe, and eventually you'll suddenly realise that you care less about what others think.

[EverythingChangesButChocolate]

Thank you all so much for the replies! Very thoughtful and helpful

The other thing that bothers me about when I've been bullied or getting hassle is if I ever say anything back then I am perceived as being difficult to get on with. At school I did try and say stuff back sometimes or tell people to Eff Off but then my friends would tell me to leave it and one friend in particular would say not to be difficult to get on with, ie take this hassle from others and say nothing back.

Is it just par for the course that if you ignore or defend yourself people will just think you are difficult?

[zoemaguire]

I think engaging in a 'telling somebody to fuck off' kind of way still comes under the heading of 'being affected', which gives the bully what they are looking for. It's the genuinely not giving a toss, or giving a good impression of such, that will see off bullies.

Also, I hate to ask, but do you sometimes see a personal rejection where it doesn't actually exist? For instance, I can imagine some mums in my DDs class think there is a 'clique' of mums who all know and chat to each other, and leave everyone else out. The reality is that all you need to do to be included is to be friendly and initiate chat. As proof, our termly pub trips have grown from 3 or 4 mums at the beginning of reception to 15 or 16 now. There is no upper limit! There is no drama, no bitching of any sort and no definitely no bullying. But at the same time, the nature of the school gate is such that with limited time, you tend to chat to people you know. So in order to be included in the group, some effort is needed, nobody will come running up to you. This holds true for an awful lot of groups - what some see as cliquiness is just human nature, ie people sticking to who they know. Not saying that cliques don't exist, but on the whole, people are clumsy, lazy, self-absorbed, but are actually pretty friendly! If you are never included in groups, then this may be for a reason. Not that you are in any way an awful person, im sure you are lovely! but that perhaps you give off defensive vibes? Or that you imagine slights that aren't there? I've been left off group emails sometimes and unless there is reason to believe otherwise, I will assume 'mistake' not 'they all hate me'. And in any group of more than 4 or so, there will be some people you don't gell with, or at least not as well. This is not a failing of the group, it is almost inevitable. If you exclude yourself from the whole group because one person in it appears not to like you, you will likely end up with very few social groups - does that make sense?

[EverythingChangesButChocolate]

Oh yes perfect sense and I think you are probably right, Zoe.

I have been thinking a lot about this thread during the past few days, and looking back I am rarely in any groups of friends, I never particularly feel part of things, so I think in part this is why I have been targeted by bullying types.

I don't think I'm very good at the whole group thing though because of how I feel about myself.

[SuperFlyHigh]

My last workplace bullying scenario was through a family friend's wife who knew my new boss and worked at my new workplace as a temp along with her permaneny bullying colleague. If I'd her to fuck off or memtioned mental health issues she'd have been into my boss and colleague screaming "how dare super say that".

Someone I don't know now though would certainly use that with.

It is a shame as bullying makes you defensive in fact I may do another assertive course as did a short one years ago and found it very useful.

[Heatherjayne1972]

I feel for you I really do. Some good advice here with the therapy idea Sounds like you need to work on your confidence. Remind yourself of how far you've come think of everything you've achieved that you're proud of tell yourself that you're a good person - you are ! Believe in yourself and rise above the silly cliquey mums in the playground. They in every playground- bet there's loads of mums that's would love to be friendly with you

[SuperFlyHigh]

Another comment CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) I found great for my bullying. One technique I found really worked. Imagine (or draw) a pen (like for sheep etc) you can then choose who you let in and out of that pen (safe people eg your DH etc). The bullies can stay out (or come in!). I found that so helpful also as I'm quite visual.