To tell me that my life isn't over and to break free of DP

[Notgivingin789]

I try not to put my very personal details on Mumsnet. But I desperately need someone to give me a slap on my face.

I have been with DP for just 8 years now. I met him when I was 14, a year later I fell pregnant by 15 and gave birth to DS (6) at 15, two months away from my 16th birthday. I'm 21. DP is 23.

During my relationship with DP, it has been hell. It was a very volatile and controlling relationship. He abused me constantly. I assumed that since we both met when we were really young, I thought he would changed. Sadly, his now 23 and even though the physical abuse has stopped. He still continues to be emotionally abusive/ threatening. The reason why the physical abuse has stopped is because I don't see him often.


For the past months, DSdad, hasn't been there for DS. He'll make promises to see him, but often breaks his promises. DS has SEN. I tell people who I don't know that he has Autism, as it's just "easier". But really he has a social communication disorder, severe speech and language disorder and dyspraxia. He now goes to a specialist speech and language school. But I feel like that I'm doing everything for DS, and his just there in the background. But! he has the time to call me, and always wants me to meet up with him.

I feel like I'm doing everything by myself. It's so hard with DS as it is already. Due to his severe language difficulties, his more prone to tantrums and taking him out is a nightmare. I feel like I'm being constantly judged by the public for being a young mum (and I often get mistaken of being DS older sister), and they see a "badly" behaved child on me who I can't control. I've told DSdad countless of times to take DS out as I need a break, but like again, he makes promises and often breaks them.

It's 2016, I'm in my final year at University, taking care of DS and I often think, do I really want to waste my years on DSdad. I've wasted enough as it is. But the reason why I "stay" is because I often think "who would want me anyway", I have a child with SEN. Would anyone really want to be with us? I'm worried that I won't have more kids in the future etc. I don't know.

I just want to break free of DSdad but I'm finding it hard to.

[Twitterqueen]

It's way over time for you to break free .
You are only 21 - there will be so many more opportunities out there for you to find true love and happiness.

DSdad sounds awful. He is giving you nothing, no help, no support, no partnership. You will be better off without him.

What support to do you have in place? Are you living with your parents? Can they help? Start working on the practicalities and that will provide reassurance and give you the kick up the bum you need!

[CMOTDibbler]

I think you sound amazing, and you don't need a deadweight like your ds's dad around. You will find someone else who sees you as the fabulous woman you are.

You don't need a slap btw, you need applauding and supporting

[buckingfrolicks]

What CMOT said - you sound inspirational. You are far far too young to think your life is over!!

[ImperialBlether]

I'm another who thinks you are amazing! You're doing a degree while coping with a child who has difficulties - that is absolutely fantastic. You're far too good for that twat. In any case, you don't see him often, do you, from the sound of it? Do you have any other RL support? Do you get respite care? I really hope you get the chance to go out with friends every now and then. Your ex is far too selfish to give up his time to care for his own child - think about what that tells you about him.

[Curiouserandcuriouser30]

Oh OP, that situation sounds so hard. Honestly though, your "D"P sounds like a nightmare, you deserve so much better. Please don't feel that you have to put up with the abuse - you don't. Could you contact women's aid for advice?
It might not feel like it, but you are so young, you don't have to spend the rest of your life with this man.

[Fairylea]

Oh my goodness ! You are so young and have your head screwed on - intelligent and caring and are doing everything right by your little boy (who incidentally sounds so similar to my own ds, exactly the same in fact, mine is due to start special school in September). Please please start your life over, I'm confident there is someone better out there for you. A better life for sure.

I got divorced at 27 and met my now dh at 29. I am now remarried and in my late 30s. Life is too short not to grab it with both hands !

[Notgivingin789]

Twittermum I currently living with my mum. But hoping to move out in the New year or around the time I finish my degree. Your right! He often asks to see me...100% of the time without DS. I feel like that if I don't do what he says, he will hurt me again, carry out his threats against me and my family.

Imperial Thank you! I feel like I'm not doing enough for DS as it is. What exactly is respite care?? I hear it often.

Thank you both CMOT and bucking.

[sharklasers]

You are doing fantastically well your life most definitely is not over!!

I was divorced at 38 and didn't have my head half as well screwed on as you at 21 and I think you're fantastic.

And as to the "who would want me anyway" that really is no reason to stay with an abusive man who doesn't treat you right. Better to be alone than with someone like that. It sounds to me like you're doing it all anyway and I bet your life gets tons easier once you get rid of your DP

[Twitterqueen]

You do not need this man in your life.
You are managing brilliantly without him. You are forging a career and a home life and bringing up a special needs son.
You've already got all you need and all you need now is an extra half ounce of courage (or half a gram )

[Notgivingin789]

sharklasers your right, it is better to be alone than stay in an abusive relationship. I don't want to waste anymore years with him. I guess it's difficult as I've spent so many of my teenage years with DSdad. Him being "officially gone" is scary. But I have to do it.

DSdad will get very very angry if I refuse to see him, he may even beat me up again. But I know I have to do this once and for all.

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

[tb]

Not that made me really sad to read that 'D'P may even beat you up again. Please report his violence to the police, as it will only get worse.

I think you've done really well in looking after your ds and getting to the end of your degree.

[ImperialBlether]

I think you should make an appointment asap with the university's counsellors and ask for practical help in dealing with this man. Where's your mum in this? I'd like to face the man who tried to hurt my daughter if she refused to see him!

[Notgivingin789]

tb I will definitely notify the police, just to give them a heads up.

imperial I didn't think about seeing a University counsellor. Thanks for mentioning that, I will definitely do that. My mum really really doesn't like DSdad, every time they see each other it ends up in a big argument. I try to keep them both separate.

[43percentburnt]

Good luck, at 21 you have so much ahead of you. Finish your degree, start your career and no doubt you will meet someone!

Read 'why does he do that' and try and get on a freedom programme (you don't want to fall for another bad egg).

You have done great. The police should be alerted to the fact he is violent. His violence has probably reduced in recent years as he can use words or a look to get you to comply (as you are scared you do what he wants you to do, so he has no need to be violent), this makes you think he may be better now than he used to be. Let the police know he is likely to kick off. Keep texts from him, keep emails, communicate via writing where possible so you have evidence.

Hope all goes well for you.

[Notgivingin789]

Thanks 43, I've never looked at it that way. I just thought he "grew out of it"...being abusive that is, and thanks for mentioning the book, I'll definitely look into that.

[lalalonglegs]

As I'm sure you have worked out, he's not interested in a relationship with you, he just wants to control you and sabotage you. Fantastically well done for not putting yourself in a position where you live with him or are financially dependent on him - you can break free of him so easily. Can I suggest you keep a log of his contact with your son (which sounds as if it is minimal/non-existent) in case he starts threatening to get custody of him once you finally split up? Good luck with your finals - you have so many wonderful years ahead of you.

[whatdoesittake48]

Coercive control is now illegal and that is what he is doing. It needs to be ongoing. Even if you dint want him charged it does highlight to you the seriousness. If you have any evidence of his threats you have the ability to have him brought before the courts. This law is designed to protect women like you and it is there if you need it. By the way you have managed to survive and thrive with this man doing all he can to destroy you. Imagine what you can do when he is out of your life. I was your age when I wad in a similar relationship and it was hell. But I got out by running to another city. You are lucky you have family to help so you can do it too.