Good will to all men???

[RitaOra2]

Since October, I have been buying things for my kids for xmas. Many times I asked my DH to sit down with me and discuss what to get but it never happened, so I did what I usually do and ordered a lot online, knowing I could return what we don't need. So, finally I get him to look at the stuff and he says its all fine, "leave it as it is now". As usual no discussion or opinions shared, just instructing me what to do. But its not fine. I have overbought for one child, so she has more in her stocking than the other. So the sensible choices are buy more for the other one, or return stuff that is not needed. I suggested these options to my DH, but he said to leave it as it is because it doesn't matter. So I mulled this over for a couple of days, and went back to him and said, I am going to return three of the presents that are extra, as I have over-bought. So he raises his voice to a level that the kids will easily hear (ie. shouting - but apparently not in his book!) and says, "No, you bought those presents for your daughters stocking, and now you want to take them away from her and send them back". So I point out that I deliberately buy too much, so that I can look at the stuff and choose what to keep. At this point he just got nasty, mimicking my voice and continuing to talk up about how I am not being honest etc. I mean why is it such a big deal??? He could not give a shit about what I was buying before now, and I saved all year to enable us to buy the presents. He never listens to me at all. Every time I try to discuss anything or give my opinion he just shouts me down and tells me what to do. AIBU? I am aware that this is a stressful time of year for me, and probably most women. Is this what all men do? Am I just oversensitive???

[HandyWiseWoman]

Yeah if this represents the state of play it sounds like you are doing all the work in your relationship.

He sounds horrible - out to demean you and keep you on the back foot - is there any collaboration or warmth in your relationship?

YANBU. There is probably good reason why you've been thinking of leaving this man.

[flatbellyfella]

I think most will agree that buying Christmas presents for the family & friends is a very stressful time, & not easy to agree what's right for each person. Your partner should help you with some input, not leave everything up to you. If he wants to be part of the festivities, he needs to pull his weight. I take it you will be doing all of the cooking too, without his help.

[ImtheChristmasCarcass]

The only way to 'make it work' with an EA man is to subjugate yourself to him completely. To never, ever say or do anything that may rile him up and 'make him' say abusive things. To act as his whipping boy for whenever the world upsets him.

Is this the way you want to live? Is this what you want your children to absorb as the way a relationship should work?

The decision to leave is yours. As long as you realize that not only you are being affected by his abusive behaviour.

[CharlotteCollins]

Put aside your thoughts about whether you deserve such treatment, as you are not seeing that clearly, thanks to him. Focus on this instead: this is an awful environment for the DCs to live in. You have put lots of effort into their having a great Christmas. He is sabotaging that and the very real danger is that they will think he's great and you're struggling, because that is how he's playing it.

Get on the Freedom Programme in the new year and pay particular attention to the session about the effects on the children. Then make your plans again and this time stay strong for their sakes.

[CharlotteCollins]

And your comment last night about leaving because of "silly little things": life is made up of lots of little things, so hire you feel about them is important, not silly.

[lucyjordon]

It's not you, it's most definitely him. He is sbusive and most men don't behave like this. You need to read "why does he do that?"'by Lundy Bancroft