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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Is there ever a excuse to cheat?

40 replies

Fooltomyself · 15/12/2015 13:12

For example stuck in unhappy relationship or with someone for kids sake of partner treats you bad.
Is it a excuse or should you walk away before starting something with someone else?

OP posts:

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Micah · 16/12/2015 15:06

I have a really really shit sex drive. DH has a very high one.

In all other ways our marriage is pretty good. Sometimes though I do think that I wouldn't blame him for going elsewhere, not that I think he would.

I generally think if one of you cheats or is seriously considering it then you'd probably be better off out of the marriage.

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RiceCrispieTreats · 16/12/2015 15:11

The man in this relationship is very controlling.
The woman sees an affair as her escape hatch. It's a pretty common reaction.

You would do well to point her in the direction of Women's Aid, where she can discuss how she feels about her relationship, how he keeps her bank cards and wants to prevent her from having a normal work and social life, and how she feels that an affair might be the answer.

She needs to gather strength, information, and support, in order to leave a controlling man. An affair might be one of the paths she tries first, but ultimately, it boils down to her needing to gear up to leave him.

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Fooltomyself · 16/12/2015 15:39

My female friend won't leave him at the money as she feels she needs him.
I am hoping one day she will get the strength to leave.
My male friend has slept with someone else and emotional affair with another woman but can't bring himself to leave his gf and kids even tho he isn't happy.
Love is a strange thing isn't it.

OP posts:

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Fooltomyself · 16/12/2015 15:40

*moment

OP posts:

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RiceCrispieTreats · 16/12/2015 15:40

That's not "love".

That's dysfunction and unhealthy attachment, which is all about fucked up emotional needs.

It's not love.

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RiceCrispieTreats · 16/12/2015 15:41

It will take a long time for the woman to detach, if she ever does.

She needs support, advice, a listening ear (and time). Women's Aid are the pros in this kind of situation.

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ShebaShimmyShake · 16/12/2015 16:54

I think there are times when it is forgivable or understandable.

Example: someone posted a while ago about a gentleman whose wife had a degenerative condition. He cared for her at home for ten years and eventually she deteriorated to the point where she needed round the clock specialist care, so she moved to a care home. He continued to visit her every day, even though she no longer recognised him. Round about this time, while continuing his daily visits, he began a relationship with someone else. Many people thought he was an evil philanderer who cared only about his penis. I think he was a fucking saint who did and continues to do absolutely right by his poor wife, and who had every right to take some comfort and companionship in his remaining years, and not having to be alone as he watched his wife decline and became more aware of his own mortality. I don't consider that cheating.

I knew of another woman whose husband became very physically disabled and she was his sole carer. She loved him and did everything for him but he was no longer able to have sex or even other forms of physical intimacy. She began an arrangement with another man in a similar situation. They meet for sex and physical contact, but both remain full time, round the clock loving carers to their sick partners - no mean feat. I find that utterly forgivable and nobody who has not been in the situation has a right to judge.

A friend of mine was in a violent abusive relationship until meeting someone else gave her the strength to leave - she was so mentally beaten down. She worried she had done the wrong thing because the relationships 'overlapped'. I say she owes fuck all to the violent shitbag who slapped her across the face, burned her with hot food, pissed on her clothes, tried to sabotage her at work and raped her repeatedly.

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ArcticCactus · 16/12/2015 17:21

Bloody hell oxcat that's awful :(

I hope you have many years of good health ahead of you, and someone more worthy of you to spend th m with.

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BartholinsSister · 16/12/2015 18:09

The difficulty for some people with children, I think, is that they feel they cannot leave their relationship if they believe their spouse is likely to get custody.

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SongBird16 · 16/12/2015 18:29

They're more likely to lose their children, or their children's good regard, if they are discovered in an affair.

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Micah · 16/12/2015 21:45

Generally though its women who get custody. The reason a relationship breaks down isn't taken into account in residency or divorce proceedings.

Dh's ex had an affair, got the children, and the house, car etc. The fact that it was her choice didn't make any difference. Dh did try for rp, but was told he'd have to prove her unfit (as in drink, drugs, abuse etc)

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Jw35 · 16/12/2015 21:47

I don't think it's better for the kids. If the couple aren't happy the kids won't be anyway! Cheating is dishonest to everyone. I think they should split instead of being trapped like that

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leaningtoweroflego · 16/12/2015 22:18

I cheated on my ex. He was abusive and I tried repeatedly to leave him. He would worm his way back into my life any way he could. He put me through hell and I did not want to be with him, but he chose not to acknowledge that, and to put me in situations where leaving him was difficult. (Hard to describe - from the outside I can well imagine people thinking why didn't you just leave!)

He only accepted I had really moved on when I was with someone else (even then he still calls occasionally - only to be hung up on - 8 years later )

The right thing to do was for me to leave, not cheat, but he was such a manipulative lowlife I don't feel any remorse or even as if I cheated. It's something I'd never do in a "proper" relationship, I'd leave first if it got to that point.

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oxcat1 · 16/12/2015 22:46

Thank you ArcticCactus. I keep telling myself that it was understandable what happened, given the circumstances, but actually I just feel totally betrayed. I have these texts from him telling me to fight for every minute,but then when my life is given back to me, he decides that he wants someone else.

I am a mess. Thanks, though.

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leaningtoweroflego · 17/12/2015 10:49

oxcat1 I would also feel totally betrayed in your situation, you have every right to be.

If I died, I'd hope that DP would be able to move on and eventually find someone else, maybe even one of my friends. But AFTER I'd died, not while I'm still around, that's not the same thing at all, not by a country mile, and if they justify like that they're lying to themselves.

I hope time helps, you heal quickly and move onto a better time in your life. And that he one day understands what a rat he is and is crippled by guilt.