Is it possible to separate amicably after abuse?

[itsallgonetoshit]

I've name changed for this because ExH knew my previous name.

Has anyone got any idea on how to separate amicably when there has been abuse?

ExH called time on our marriage a week ago. He came to see DC yesterday and immediately kicked off about my attitude. He has moved on already and I am still adjusting. He took it as a personal attack when I said I might need a bit more time to come to terms with the end of our marriage. His anger is, sadly, nothing new.

He was abusive (physically and emotionally) on and off. I should have ended it years ago, I know that, but I was so beaten down and in love with him.

I need this to be as amicable as possible for the DC, but I think that the only way that will happen is if I roll over to all of ExH's demands. He has already told one DC that we were separating, two hours after we agreed that we wouldn't say anything until after Christmas, and then buggered off leaving me to pick up the pieces.

Is amicability a pipe dream in these circumstances? Is it even something I should be hoping for? I don't much want anything to do with him ever again. But I need to do what's best for the DC.

It is likely he will have a new girlfriend in the next week, based on things he has said, if he wasn't already cheating on me.

[pocketsaviour]

So sorry to hear that OP, your poor dcs, and what a horrible shock for you.

Are your dc at school? I think they could do with support as well as you, perhaps your support worker from WA (good job on that btw) would be able to help suggest resources?

I would want to get this noted in so,e sort of official capacity be it GP, police, school, health visitor, whatever because if you need to fight for supervised contact you will need evidence of this sort.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Oh, feck. I am shocked. Not surprised, mind, but shocked.

[itsallgonetoshit]

I have talked to the lead SENCO at DC's school. Other DC told me today that he was scared of ExH, scared because he shouts horrible things at me and scared because he thought ExH might hurt me again.

No more self-pity here today. Just anger at ExH and at myself for not making sure DC were safe. They deserve far better parents. But they're definitely going to have a better mother now.

[AnyFucker]

Good for you

[BertieBotts]

Oh god :( I'm sorry. It's not your fault. Definite push for supervised contact, if that, then.

[itsallgonetoshit]

DC were up and down last night. Hugs and reassurances worked, I think, but I woke up anxious about the future. Will they be ok? How much have we damaged them?

I've been allocated a support worker by the local women's centre (might be part of Women's Aid?) and I'll see her after Christmas so I will ask for help for DC then.

[itsallgonetoshit]

Pressed post too soon.
Is there anything I can do to make it easier for them?

[CharlotteCollins]

Make sure they are not left alone with him.

Make sure they know that he was wrong to behave like that and it was not their fault.

Give them space to talk, be angry or whatever.

They will be OK with you watching out for them.

[FantasticButtocks]

Don't bother giving this violent no good person an inch for the sake of amicability. From the sounds of him 'amicable' is the last thing your divorce is going to be. He has assaulted you all. The best you should offer is icy politeness, but out up firm boundaries.

I'd report him for his crimes towards you and the children and get him arrested.

If your DCs are frightened of him, keep that fact firmly at the forefront of your mind while dealing with him, or when you 'miss him'.