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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is it possible to separate amicably after abuse?

34 replies

itsallgonetoshit · 14/12/2015 18:35

I've name changed for this because ExH knew my previous name.

Has anyone got any idea on how to separate amicably when there has been abuse?

ExH called time on our marriage a week ago. He came to see DC yesterday and immediately kicked off about my attitude. He has moved on already and I am still adjusting. He took it as a personal attack when I said I might need a bit more time to come to terms with the end of our marriage. His anger is, sadly, nothing new.

He was abusive (physically and emotionally) on and off. I should have ended it years ago, I know that, but I was so beaten down and in love with him.

I need this to be as amicable as possible for the DC, but I think that the only way that will happen is if I roll over to all of ExH's demands. He has already told one DC that we were separating, two hours after we agreed that we wouldn't say anything until after Christmas, and then buggered off leaving me to pick up the pieces.

Is amicability a pipe dream in these circumstances? Is it even something I should be hoping for? I don't much want anything to do with him ever again. But I need to do what's best for the DC.

It is likely he will have a new girlfriend in the next week, based on things he has said, if he wasn't already cheating on me.

OP posts:

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FantasticButtocks · 18/12/2015 09:38

Don't bother giving this violent no good person an inch for the sake of amicability. From the sounds of him 'amicable' is the last thing your divorce is going to be. He has assaulted you all. The best you should offer is icy politeness, but out up firm boundaries.

I'd report him for his crimes towards you and the children and get him arrested.

If your DCs are frightened of him, keep that fact firmly at the forefront of your mind while dealing with him, or when you 'miss him'.

CharlotteCollins · 18/12/2015 09:23

Make sure they are not left alone with him.

Make sure they know that he was wrong to behave like that and it was not their fault.

Give them space to talk, be angry or whatever.

They will be OK with you watching out for them.

itsallgonetoshit · 18/12/2015 08:58

Pressed post too soon.
Is there anything I can do to make it easier for them?

OP posts:

itsallgonetoshit · 18/12/2015 08:57

DC were up and down last night. Hugs and reassurances worked, I think, but I woke up anxious about the future. Will they be ok? How much have we damaged them?

I've been allocated a support worker by the local women's centre (might be part of Women's Aid?) and I'll see her after Christmas so I will ask for help for DC then.

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BertieBotts · 16/12/2015 22:46

Oh god :( I'm sorry. It's not your fault. Definite push for supervised contact, if that, then.

AnyFucker · 16/12/2015 22:46

Good for you

itsallgonetoshit · 16/12/2015 22:31

I have talked to the lead SENCO at DC's school. Other DC told me today that he was scared of ExH, scared because he shouts horrible things at me and scared because he thought ExH might hurt me again.

No more self-pity here today. Just anger at ExH and at myself for not making sure DC were safe. They deserve far better parents. But they're definitely going to have a better mother now.

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PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 16/12/2015 13:55

Oh, feck. I am shocked. Not surprised, mind, but shocked.

pocketsaviour · 15/12/2015 21:43

So sorry to hear that OP, your poor dcs, and what a horrible shock for you.

Are your dc at school? I think they could do with support as well as you, perhaps your support worker from WA (good job on that btw) would be able to help suggest resources?

I would want to get this noted in so,e sort of official capacity be it GP, police, school, health visitor, whatever because if you need to fight for supervised contact you will need evidence of this sort.

AnyFucker · 15/12/2015 20:23

itsallgonetoshit · 15/12/2015 20:00

To clarify: DC told me today that ExH was violent. I asked him if he knew what that meant. He said yes, when ExH pulls other DC up by their hair and when he smacked me and I banged my head off the wall.

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itsallgonetoshit · 15/12/2015 19:57

i made phone calls today. Women's Aid have allocated me a support worker and I'll be seeing her in the new year. She will refer me to the Freedom Programme. On the phone, all the questions they asked made me truthful for the first time in years. Emotional abuse, physical abuse, rape. All things I covered up.

The worst thing today is that I found out that he has been hurting the children as well when I couldn't see. Smacking them into the wall, pulling them up by their hair, hands around the neck and shaking. DC told me ExH was violent. I want to scream because I thought I was protecting them by staying.

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BertieBotts · 15/12/2015 11:57

You can not, unfortunately. Amicable is kind of a two way thing and abusers don't stop being abusive when you leave, nor do they enjoy the fact that it is harder to control you, so they will take absolutely anything that they can and delight in it.

You must show him that his actions don't affect you in the slightest (even when they are slicing you like a knife).

You must not let him do anything which is actually useful to you. Don't rely on contact as childcare, nor maintenance to pay the bills (unless you have to), preferably go through CMS so that he can't withdraw payment on a whim.

Block all contact between him and you except the most basic and necessary. If possible, do it through a third party. Don't be tempted to add anything extra which is unnecessary. Keep contact between you in writing if you can, so you can save copies of anything abusive.

Agree; don't fight for things like contact. If he wasn't an involved father before, he's not going to be an involved father now. He won't get 50/50 anyway if he works during the week, so there's no point blocking it. Or he'll get it and then cancel every week. If you can stomach it, don't fight. I would fight for the house, but do so through a lawyer.

Understand that even if you give him everything he wants, he will still be abusive and he will still be looking for ways to control you.

Never ever let him set foot inside YOUR house. Have the children ready to go and hand them over at the door. Come outside and close the door if necessary - they are sneaky.

Good luck. It gets easier :)

CharlotteCollins · 15/12/2015 11:28

BTW, the best thing for the DCs is having a safe place away from him, which they didn't have before. Giving in to his demands would start eroding that safety instantly. 50/50 is not right for your situation; try not to listen to what he thinks.

CharlotteCollins · 15/12/2015 11:26

If you don't have friends nearby to talk to/rage at, see if your local WA cab give you a support worker. Mine was with her weight in gold, just making me feel I wasn't alone, that someone irl understood.

throwingpebbles · 15/12/2015 11:22

Ps. Record everything. Keep all nasty emails etc. call police every time you feel threatened. I wish I had.

throwingpebbles · 15/12/2015 11:21

I thought it would be. But that lasted about a week before he got nasty
Get a good lawyer asap. Be reasonable and don't stoop to his level but also be prepared for nasty tactics.
Main thing I find is to just try and rise above it, and see him for what he is, a nasty selfish man. That way the abusive comments and behaviour aren't about me but about him

Good luck. I have a lovely new man now and my children are much happier and our home is a much happier place

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 15/12/2015 11:15

Here's one {{{{huuugggggg}}}}

If you want to be on your own and stay like that for the duration, that's fine! Nothing wrong with that. But, you have to admit, at the mo, your head isn't exactly in a place to know how you'll feel later on down the line, after you've done some self-healing. You may well find somebody deserving of you and indeed live happily ever after. No need to decide that right now: keep an open mind.

In the meantime, can you try to expand your local friend base a bit? Develop some hobbies, talk to people.

Here's another {{{{hug}}}}

itsallgonetoshit · 15/12/2015 08:00

Right, will sort that out today.

This is the worst time of my life. I feel like I am now destined to be alone and lonely forever. For the first time ever last night I thought about how dying would be a relief. I'm not in danger of doing anything to myself, if only because of DC. Rationally I know I need to be ok with being alone, but it hurts so much. We moved across the country for his job and all of my close friends are four hours away now so I can only cry on the end of a phone, not get a hug. I want to yell and scream, but DC don't need to see me lose control. I used to have a decent cathartic cry a couple of times a year, but I can't even manage that now. I can cry for a minute, then it's like a giant ball of pain and anger and grief blocks me from crying any more. I want someone to hug me and tell me it will be ok.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/12/2015 07:38

Yes, please do the Freedom Prog

itsallgonetoshit · 15/12/2015 05:55

Is the Freedom Programme a good thing to do?

I feel really stupid because in spite of all the horribleness I miss him.

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NickiFury · 14/12/2015 21:03

Also are being "amicable" because you're still afraid of him? If you are the only one trying to be amicable yet still being clobbered by his nastiness all the time, then he's just still abusing you really.

The abuse from my ex only really abated when he got engaged to someone else. The penny finally dropped for both of us that now that he was committed elsewhere he literally had no rights to try to control me any more. His attempts actually stepped up for a while once he felt that grip slipping but I felt so much stronger, positively gleeful that someone had taken my place.

NickiFury · 14/12/2015 20:59

I think you can pretend that it's amicable if it makes it easier but be aware that intense fury will probably hit you at a later date once you're free of him and no longer afraid. The thing is once the FOG starts to clear you start seeing just how awful everything was and it's very hard to stay friendly with someone who behaved so badly towards you.

RiceCrispieTreats · 14/12/2015 20:55

But he is NEVER going to be your friend, or accommodating. So give up on that dream.

What you're aiming for is not friendliness, but formal agreements, which are enforceable.

RiceCrispieTreats · 14/12/2015 20:54

I need this to be as amicable as possible for the DC, but I think that the only way that will happen is if I roll over to all of ExH's demands.

No. That's what he has conditioned you to think, but no.

The answer is not to capitulate to the abuse and manipulation, but to be clear about what you need, what the DC need, and calmly go about putting that in place.

You don't need to fight him: that's what he loves.
You just need to be detached, factual, dispassionate. And get all the relevant authorities and support services involved so there are neutral arbiters in place (eg. contact centres, court-approved custody agreement that you will then follow to the letter, etc)

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