Bad Break Up

[Tpc90]

Hi there, new to the forum as I'm really struggling with my current situation.

So 2 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years. It was such a tough decision, however, there were some underlying problems that I wasn't dealing with very well. I won't go into too much detail because I want to be dignified but we had big callings out when we were socialising with friends and drink was involved. I almost always had to pick up the pieces and inevitably say sorry. Not saying it was all her fault but my friends and family could see it was having an effect on me.

We got back from a dream holiday in America, however there was a drunken incident which ended up with her in hospital. This for me was not only very scary but the beginning of the end. I felt distant from her for the final few days of the holiday. I couldn't get my thoughts together. I loved the girl with all my heart but I wasn't sure I could keep taking this hurt. I didn't speak to anyone and even though mine and hers family were very supportive towards me I decided I needed space. I said to her I needed to clear my head and be alone for a bit, I wished her well in whatever she wanted to achieve in life. I didn't want to hold her back. In my heart I was devastated I couldn't help her but in my mind I knew I had to think of myself also.

2 weeks past and I was beginning to get my feelings in check. I missed her so much, I hadn't spoken to her nor put anything on social media as to rub it in her face I was single. I then heard some details from a friend that she had slept around.. It hit me like a train. I got in contact with her over that weekend and I broke down for the first time in my life. She invited me round to talk things out and she told me all the details about who she had slept with and that she was seeing someone. This is now the new relationship. My heart was shattered into a million pieces. I had in mind to patch things up with her before hearing all the details but I was devastated.

2 months had past now and I'm living in regret and thinking what might have been. If only I had talked to people or got counselling to understand what she was going through. We've had on off contact and met up once. She's now blocked me from everything. I think it's so she doesn't keep looking back and bringing up memories of us.

Sorry for the long post but any help would be so grateful.

[Offred]

You need to go completely no contact with her I'm afraid.

[Offred]

She is your very recent ex girlfriend. The relationship and the ending of it were full of drama. It isn't nice, it's a bid for attention from her. Normal people would find it creepy and/or inappropriate, people with issues may well jump at it as a chance to inflict more toxic drama.

[Tpc90]

Yeah fair enough. I don't think thats being co-dependant though? Just a nice gesture? I'm dealing with that at the moment and doing a lot of things on my own.

[Offred]

No, terrible idea. You need to have absolutely zero contact with her to deal with your codependency issue.

[Tpc90]

Was doing some Xmas shopping last night (as a bloke I pretty much got everything done in one shop!) as I was finishing up a thought crossed my mind. The ex is going to Sweden this weekend, she surprised me by taking me there last year and we had an amazing time. I know she'll be thinking of me whilst there as I will be thinking of her too.

Think it's a good idea to maybe get her some spending money? (20-30 quids worth) Just to show I do care and to thank her for the last trip there. Plus it's Xmas and I'm in good spirit..

[pocketsaviour]

I would say it was about 3 months before I really felt like my emotions had calmed down. Actually the news about his heart attack really helped me let go of my anger, because I felt he'd been punished for stealing my money. (That probably sounds really vengeful... and it is. C'est la vie!) I found the following Xmas quite hard, because the previous Xmas we had had all his kids and his 2 grandkids to stay, and he'd proposed, and I loved feeling like we had a big full happy house. And then it was just me and my DS. I did miss him then.

It's been just under 3 years now and I haven't wanted another serious relationship. But I am older (early 40s) and I have my son, and right now I'm really just focussing on my career. I value my independence.

[Tpc90]

Wow that's brutal. Even after I broke up with my ex I owed her money from our holiday together (decided to go halves on trips etc) and paid it straight back to her. Mind you if I had held on a couple weeks and she still did what she did, may be a different story!!

Well sounds like you got over him pretty well! How long was the process?

[pocketsaviour]

Well in my last break up, we had been together 4 years, were living together and planning to get married.

Then financially things got rocky, he decided he would be better off with another woman (who was about to get a fat inheritance from her terminally-ill dad) and buggered off. He didn't even tell me to my face. And he dropped the bomb 4 days before I started a brand new job.

Oh and while we were still sharing the house we rented, but I was working away at new job during the week, he went into my emails and deleted the trail of messages where I had lent him several thousand pounds and he had agreed to pay it back. Cunt.

So I moved cities, changed his name to "ZZ Cuntface Surname" in my phone contacts so he'd always be at the bottom, and just got on with things. Threw myself into new job, started going to the gym, spent more time with friends.

I was terribly amused shocked and sorry to hear he had a heart attack 6 weeks later. I even phoned him in hospital to gloat wish him well.

[Tpc90]

No I tend to take a step back when my friends or family say things about her, I appreciate she hasn't gone about things in a decent way. My family get annoyed that I actually defend her and take some of the blame for what happened but that's just me I guess. We had arguments to start but haven't for over a month or so now, we don't talk much now.

Be interesting to hear other peoples experiences in break ups and how you dealt with them? Obviously don't have to go into detail and only share what you want to. Would certainly help me to relate to others.

[Offred]

And you are not alone in codependent behaviour and certainly were not being judged by me when I suggested it. I know some about it from exploring my own codependent behaviour, it's a very common thing, many of us on here know very well exactly how it feels!

[Offred]

It's great being dignified in your responses and respectful of her but you also need to be kind and respectful to yourself don't forget. It is ok to see things how they were - that you put up with crap, her expectations of you were too high and she didn't reciprocate in the way you needed. If you don't apportion the appropriate blame to her in your private analysis of the situation it will be hard to move on and hard not to get into a self blaming spiral of sadness. Your private thoughts are your own, I wouldn't suggest slagging her off to people or having a screaming match with her but it is appropriate for you to feel and express hurt about how she behaved towards you in the relationship.

[AugustMoon]

No I dont think it is strange or unusual to want someone back but thats not to say its right. For the sake of your sanity and to prevent further hurt I think you should try not to dwell on those feelings. The relationship ended, and it sounds like it was for good reasons. Neither of you were happy so the best you can hope for is to try to move on and accept things as they are. It sounds like you're in the right mindset to take the first steps. Good luck 🍀

[Tpc90]

Well we lasted 3 years which was pretty serious. She wants to perfect guy, as much as I tried my best sometimes it wasn't good enough. I know I've got a few things to work on so just going to get my head down and what will be will be with future relationships. Thanks again for the help.

[Jan45]

She wasn't for you, there's better out there, I don't think she's capable of being in a LTR.

[Tpc90]

Thanks Jan. I know it's not helping me being down about myself. I'm trying to look at positives. I haven't been too critical of her after all of this, maybe that's just my nature and I'm a respectful bloke. I've taken a lot of crap from her and she's been pretty spiteful. Trying to be as dignified as possible, again trying not to put her in a bad light on here but I felt I needed to get my story off my chest. I'm not perfect and sometimes maybe it was me who was in the wrong, but I know there's certainly a lot worse blokes out there who abuse their partners emotionally and physically. I'd never in a million years do that.

[Jan45]

Hell of a lot of dark times and drama in 3 years, it's not an awfully long time I'd say and look what she put you through = not worth it.

[Jan45]

Gawd OP stop beating yourself up, you did it to protect yourself, the woman sounds unhinged, disrespectful and a complete cheat I'd say...........give it time, you will look back and realise this was not a healthy good relationship.

You can't change someone's morals, she clearly didn't have that many, whether drunk or not, you were not her priority, she was.

[Tpc90]

Thanks August, so is it a strange situation to want someone back after breaking up with them? Like I've said, I really regret the way I went about it and wish we sat down to talk things through to iron out our bad points. I don't think she can or ever will handle her drink (she doesn't want to stop because she likes going out), nor do I think she'll be too far away from drama. If anything I was the one to settle her down, if we were both dramatic people the relationship would never have lasted so long..

[AugustMoon]

Thanks for clarifying OP. Reading my post back it sounds really accusatory but you actually sound like a decent guy and im sorry you're obviously hurt about your break-up. I was just on the defence I guess for my own reasons.
I know if it were the other way round I'd have probably not thought along the same lines but thats just it, I accept its prejudiced.

[Tpc90]

You've hit the nail on the head there, it was rarely drama free. I think she got that side of things from her family as there was always a bit of drama going on! My family are very laid back, don't think I've seen my parents argue before!

Another thing that played on my mind so much after the break up was what was she going to do, she had tried to commit suicide before. Her mum told me she tried again days after the split. When I heard that I felt sick to my stomach and broke down in tears. I pushed someone so far that they reacted like that. It scared me.

Now to look at her, she looks like she's turned a corner and that she's happy. It hurts to see she's happy without me, but I wish her all the best in the future. I only ever tried to make her happy and us to be happy with it each, there were many moments we were extremely happy, but there were dark times. I know she'll strive to do great things and you're right atilla, I need to work on me. I'm going to a talking therapy session soon and I've been to the doctors. Never in a million years did I think I'd end up like this.. Guess thats what love does sometimes.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Tpc90,

re your comment:-
"I don't think she's an alcoholic, she wasn't drinking everyday. She actually has a responsible, important job"

I think you are going to have to reassess your own image of what an alcoholic is. They do not all sit on park benches drinking out of paper bags and many of them do hold down jobs and have families as well .

At least you admit you are codependent. Do not be embarrassed to admit that at all but you must deal with your codepedency. You could well end up in another relationship like this one you have got out of. Someone in your life taught you how to be co-dependent; likely one or other of your parents. Your own boundaries when it comes to relationships seem a bit off.

She is a functioning alcoholic (google that as well). She has a job, well for now anyway. Her life is a car crash in slow motion and unfortunately you got caught up in her resultant chaos that is her version of alcoholism. Chaos follow such people around like night follows day.

Your relationship was one really of great highs and crushing lows; it was never drama free was it?.

Work on you and rebuild you through counselling if necessary.

[Tpc90]

I think she suffers with that because look at her now, in a new relationship with a guy she met a week after our 3 week relationship.

Sorry meant 3 year relationship..

[Tpc90]

Offred, you're right I'm probably co-dependent. I've just looked it up and read the symptoms and I've agreed with most. As much as it's embarrassing and hard to admit.

She was my first love and first real relationship. Before that I was a typical, young early twenties guy enjoying nights out with friends and getting on well in my work life. Now all my friends have relationships and I'm left here licking my wounds after a broken one. As much as I tried to make it work it just didn't in the end. So maybe that relationship has made me co-dependent because I'm missing all of that. There was definitely a lot of love in the relationship, but perhaps near the end it was co-dependency. I think she suffers with that because look at her now, in a new relationship with a guy she met a week after our 3 week relationship. And no she didn't know him whilst we were together. She did admit she kissed someone whilst in the relationship with me (happened after the get together with friends at my place). She said she immediately regretted it but then was hurtful by saying "well things can't have been right if i had wandering eyes etc.." That really got to me and that's why my self-esteem and confidence is down.

[Offred]

You are absolutely wrong that your decision to split up was a knee jerk response. It was the right and healthy thing to do and you had considered it carefully from what you wrote on here. You are regretting it now because of the pull of the codependency.

[Offred]

Yes she is an alcoholic. You don't need to be drunk everyday or a loser to have a problem with alcohol.

She gets into fights, she injures herself and it causes relationship problems, not to mention it likely had a contribution to the casual sex... She is an alcoholic.

What you describe in yourself is codependency, not love. If you read things back really all the things you are saying are about not really liking her or her behaviour but you are still tangled up in her mess.

Google codependency.