my mother, she has Form, She has started already, If I have to sleep on the floor I am not coming For Christmas

[NoahVale]

Aaargh.
unlikely we would make her sleep on the floor anyway..
god Why does she have to ruin christmas.
last christmas was so much beter when she was at my sibling's.
then I forget and think , oh she is fun.
but my god i need the valium already

good mind to ring her and say, you Dont have to come, in the past we have had tears about the most minor things, with regard to christmas.
ffs

[wheelofapps]

Adora he is as bad as her. Had I known better the level of FOG I would have steered well clear (sorry to derail, OP).

What I have learned and try to practice is to abandon any hope of them 'changing / being reasonable'. I doesn't matter what I say or do (or don't) they will behave this way.

All I can do is state my own boundaries clearly (pref in writing so they cant deny / alter later) and sit back. To do that, you have to 'find' your boundaries, which is not simple if you've never built them up in a standard way. But it is worth working on.

I will look at Toxic Parents too, thanks.x

[AdoraBell]

Wheel why did your DH allow that?

Noah what the others have said, give her the reasonable options and leave her make her choice.

[NoahVale]

am now Itching to ask her if she actually wants to come

[NoahVale]

she does have friends, I think she bullies them to do stuff too, she is busy, hates not having anything to do, i guess she might be depressed

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"how do I strengthen my too low boundaries atilla?"

Start by saying no to her and properly examining your own relationship with your dysfunctional mother. Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward is a good starting point too. Ask yourself why you are so conditioned by her.

Do not have her over for Christmas.

It is NOT your fault she is like this.

Tell me does she have any friends or does she rely mainly on you and your sibling for company?.

[ImperialBlether]

God, wheel, they made you sleep on an airbed when you'd had a major operation and a new baby?! That's incredibly selfish of them.

OP, just say you'll pick her up on Christmas Day and pay for a taxi back.

[wheelofapps]

Ha ha re 'Guinea Pig Hotel' and fuss about Hamsters.

OP, you have all my sympathies.

After dd was born MIL offered to come up to 'help'.
Initially it was to be for the 5 days I was due to be in Hosp (planned C-Sec due to birth complications). When I said it might be easier for when baby was actually here (!) she insisted she couldn't travel by train to ours unless her sister was with her (good-o, the sister is nice...).

Then, due to lack of beds, MIL and sister had our double bed and H and I slept on an air bed on the floor, (after a C-sec and with back problems).

Offer her: Taxi, or B&B or Dd's bed (nice of Dd) with Dd on the floor in her own room on an airbed.

Then sit back and let her choose. Or not.
Do it in writing (by email/text/niceCard).

Good Luck - drama llamas don't change.

[NoahVale]

you are all lovely and funny and wise, I feel better now

[NoahVale]

oh yes, we had fuss aobut the hamster in a previous year

[DinosaursRoar]

oh just seen that she's close enough for a taxi, then taxi it is. Done.

[DinosaursRoar]

Find number of local B&B - offer her the option of DD's bed with DD on the floor in the same room or she can go to the B&B or she can go elsewhere. Honestly, you don't have a guest room, so guests who want to stay have to 'make do' - she's being given her granddaughter's bed, getting grumpy because said granddaughter will (shock horror) need to sleep somewhere isn't really on.

[Muskey]

My mum tried something similar when we got guinea pigs. She kept saying that unless we put them in a "Guinea pig hotel " she wouldn't come for Christmas. We didn't and she still came.

[NoahVale]

good thinking, taxi

[iwantgin]

Well -then she can get a taxi if she needs to drink.

Why on earth would she want to sleep over if it is causing her so much angst already ?

[NoahVale]

she wont drink and drive, and she will drink, no question.

mark my words dont let me turn into her when my kids are older, jeez

[iwantgin]

How far away does she live ? Does she HAVE to sleep over ?

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

Right so she won't sleep on the floor and she can't have dd on the floor in the same room. So where does dd sleep then? Do you have anywhere else for dd to sleep?
More to the point why are you going around this loop? If you want her to come then have a face to face chat where you lay down how it will be, give her the chance to raise any gripes and see if they can be resolved. Once that's done you don't engage with any more nonsense. You either say No we already made that decision or If it doesn't suit you don't come.

[NoahVale]

thanks folks.
I will tell her, I will ask DD who is willing to change their sleeping arrangements and if not then tell DM the options

I think she is hoping DS will give up his bed, but he shares it with his GF so unlikely, and I want my DS at home, not sent out to GF's.

[Whatevva]

(sorry - too many day's ends there)

[Whatevva]

My mother has been reincarnated as your mother.

I was never able to compete with the hospitality of my youngest brother and his perfect wife. (The middle siblings did not have to get stayed at as nearby.) At the end of the day, they could afford a bigger house, had fewer children and my lovely SIL was well brought up and polite.

At the end of the day, it is sharing the pain fairly with your siblings . It was not that good for my brother either.

My DM did not visit at all in the three years before she died.

[NoahVale]

no,she is welcome to sleep in a bed, sigh, my dd will have to toss a coin as to who sleeps on floor and whether there is space without my dm falling over them or one of them will sleep in sitting room.
it does sound like she doesnt want to come?

how do I strengthen my too low boundaries atilla?

[Duckdeamon]

I don't understand: you'd like her to sleep on a sofa/camp bed in the sitting room?

You need to decide whether you're willing to accommodate her wishes and tell her: she can then decide whether or not to stay.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I thought you were in the FOG with regards to your mother, that is why I asked. Your sense of obligation kicked in didn't it; that is why you asked your mother to visit at all?. Why do you want her to visit, examine your own reasons for that more closely. You have stated that she has to ruin Christmas, do you really want another one with all the associated emotional blackmail and dramas created by her own making?.

Also your Christmas last year was a lot happier precisely because she was at your siblings house. Also I would think that your sibling is far more favoured generally; I note the description of this person being the "bees knees".

You do not so much need valium so much as strengthening your too low boundaries with regards to your mother.

[MilkTwoSugarsThanks]

Oh, sorry, yes I understand now (not enough tea yet, clearly).

I'd go for calling her bluff tbh. Do you have a blow up bed?

[NoahVale]

sitting room - her worse nightmare, that would mean the floor, I guess she is insinuating the person who gave up their bed should be on the floor,