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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Do I change the locks? He refuses to go!

31 replies

GinnyLL · 04/12/2015 22:26

I'll try to keep this short and sweet. My ex still lives with me and our three boys even though we broke up years and years ago. We carried on living together for the kids and I put my life on hold and put up with him even though we don't get on. I can't tolerate this situation any more and I've asked him to leave on countless occasions but he resuses. Now he's finally saying he'll look for somewhere else but only after Christmas! I can't have that as it's already gone on too long and I feel so much anger towards him. I've asked him to go this Sunday but he says he has nowhere to go. This is not true but that's another story.

He just told me he's taking the boys out for the day Sunday. So I'm stumped about how to to get him out. I own the flat solely and he doesn't pay any rent. If I change the locks when he's out then it will be traumatic for the boys when they all arrive back at the flat. I just don't know how to get rid of him.

To add more clarity I have a partner who's been a saint to put up with this situation and we're having a baby. The ex does not know I'm pregnant yet. So this is another reason I have to get my ex out of my flat. It's crazy he's still here when it's effectively preventing my wonderful relationship from progressing.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to remove this man from my flat? Btw my boys know he's due to move out Sunday.

OP posts:

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SmillasSenseOfSnow · 06/12/2015 14:36

Newname was asking where he'd go specifically to ask if it was suitable for the kids to stay. Newname's concern is for the children from what I can see.

In the context of the rest of the post I read it as a lot of guilting and judging about dating a new man but I do see how it could all be founded in concern for the children now that you've said it, springy. Who knows. I hope you're right, it was a dreadful post all round if not.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 06/12/2015 02:37

How old are your children?

Dallasty · 06/12/2015 02:30

He's switched on to your lack of fire and he'll still be there happily kipping at your home monday morning. Grow a pair, kick him out and be happy. He's taking the piss, because he thinks you're a weak pushover, and so far, you are. Time to get real....and tough. Kick this complete wanker out on the street.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/12/2015 02:29

"I own the flat solely and he doesn't pay any rent."
Then yes, I think it's perfectly legal to change the locks.

IamlovedbyG · 06/12/2015 01:55

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IamlovedbyG · 06/12/2015 01:55

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PoundingTheStreets · 06/12/2015 01:24

Yes, you can change the locks.

pocketsaviour · 05/12/2015 23:19

my removal service cancelled last minute and he offered to help

For which his reward should have been a cup of tea, maybe a beer, and a firm handshake, not free lodgings for the next X months.

Are you afraid of him? I can't understand why you have let him just do whatever the fuck he wants?

MadisonMontgomery · 05/12/2015 19:02

Could you ask family/friends to help out - get them to come round & take the kids out & then get his stuff out & change the locks?

springydaffs · 05/12/2015 18:56

Newname was asking where he'd go specifically to ask if it was suitable for the kids to stay. Newname's concern is for the children from what I can see.

If I'm wrong then I'm with you Smilla (great book btw) that he's an adult, capable of scamming for years, well able to look after himself, not op's concern.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 05/12/2015 13:21

Where her ex goes and how he sorts out a place to take the kids on his time with them is not the OP's responsibility, newname99.

LeaLeander · 05/12/2015 00:15

You mentioned it to your kids before it was a done deal??? I think you need counseling/guidance on how to keep them out of the worst of the adult relationships in their lives.

Can't your "dear partner" and father of your next child have a word with the ex and tell him he's being displaced by the next bio-dad?

it's really difficult for me to believe that people actually lead lives so chaotic, by choice. Good luck OP.

newname99 · 04/12/2015 23:52

Is he the boys father? How have you managed to have a relationship with another man unet these conditions? Has he babysat for you whilst you have dated the other man?

Fiirstly please think about your children, where will your ex go and does he have the ability for them to stay over? Do they know about the new man?

My dsd had a similar situation, mum moved a new man in straight after last husband left.The consequences for dsd are going on years later.It's horrible for children to have to deal with such upheaval and be expected to like the new man because mum does.

Can you live alone for a period of timeach so your children can adjust to all the changes?

Akire · 04/12/2015 23:52

If he makes a fuss say well you are moving Sunday so no harm done. At very least shows you are serious about the situation!

Akire · 04/12/2015 23:49

If he knows he's supposed to be moving out Sunday I would be worried about him taking the kids out.
Either he just be to busy having nice day with them and it be to late move out by time he gets back....or some kind of blackmail situation about bringing them back.

I would get a friend family member over very early on a Sunday to "help" him move out. Sounds like he's not taking it seriously has made no plans.
I would be tempted to get the locks changed Friday while he is at work,

springydaffs · 04/12/2015 23:48

Years and YEARS?

Op. Bloody hell.

coconutpie · 04/12/2015 23:41

Why can't you call the police?

coconutpie · 04/12/2015 23:40

Huh? So your removal service cancelled on you and your ex just happens to move in with you? Sorry OP but that makes no sense and yes it is relevant.

Lweji · 04/12/2015 23:37

I'd bet he cancelled the service behind your back too.

Lweji · 04/12/2015 23:37

You are showing your children a passive attitude towards him and similarly abusive people.
Show them how to respect themselves, even if it means standing up to their dad.

Lweji · 04/12/2015 23:35

You could have called the police on him. He wasn't welcome. He had never lived there and had no contract.

GinnyLL · 04/12/2015 23:07

I sleep in my double bed usually with one of my boys and he sleeps in the kids bunk beds. This has been the norm for years and probably isn't relevant to my post tbh.

How he moved into my flat is also besides the point tbh. But to satisfy your curiosity on this occasion my removal service cancelled last minute and he offered to help. Desperately and stupidly I agreed.

OP posts:

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AnyFucker · 04/12/2015 22:58

How did he manage to accidentally move flats with you ?

Where do you and he sleep ?

GinnyLL · 04/12/2015 22:50

Nope we're not married and he works full time. We moved back into my flat recently, although he wasn't bloody well supposed to move in! He used to pay rent in the old place but I haven't asked him for a penny and he hasn't offered as I don't want him to feel he has any rights here.

I've explained to my boys that mummy and daddy aren't getting on and daddy has to leave Sunday. I haven't mentioned changing the locks etc as I don't want them exposed to any of that.

So change the locks Monday looks best given he's snookered me with my plan to remove him Sunday? I so can't wait to be free of him!

OP posts:

Lweji · 04/12/2015 22:46

He has been given enough warning, so if you are not married, you can kick him out.

Even if you were married, you could ask a court for him to leave.

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