I have realised that my DH is enmeshed with his mum

[FrancisdeSales]

We have been married almost 20 years. We are happily married and have an equal relationship. So it's taken me a long time to understand the dynamics of my DH and his mum. She definitely has serious issues but the focus I would prefer here is finding ways to help DH.

I have been doing a lot of reading and he is not as badly affected as some MEM (Mother Emeshed Men) who never leave home or never think their wife is good enough. DH is very successful in his career and we have had a very happy stable marriage with three kids who he has a good relationship with. Our problems have always involved his mum. Now I am recognizing why I have felt so invaded and found her "crazy-making" when she is around. It is because my DH is not able retain boundaries with her and unconsciously/consciously lets her cross the line into the realm of our relationship.

The penny finally dropped recently when she managed (with DH's) help to manufacture a way to have a visit to our new home before we had even unpacked because of a health "crisis". I was seriously concerned and agreed when it was hurriedly suggested by DH that he rush her to our home. When she arrived she was as snug as a bug. She got up early every morning, did her hair, called all her friends and family reporting on all our doings and everything about our new home in detail and then proceeded to shadow DH constantly every minute from morning to night - and me if he was unavailable. She was in no hurry to see the emergency dentist and instead told me smugly "sorry Francis I can't be seen for two weeks" and expected to stay with us indefinitely. She was in her element.

The behavior is so normal to DH- he is not allowed to say no. When I saw them interacting and making plans to disappear for the whole day without the rest of the family (as per usual when they are together) something finally clicked. DH is not acting normally, he never behaves like this except with his mum. And she is making him into a surrogate husband/dad/partner.

I feel like I have finally pieced together the story and realised it is a family system. I am not sure what is next, she was here a few weeks ago now but DH and I have still not sat down to have a chat. Not sure what I am here for except to breath out and think aloud.

[FrancisdeSales]

Obsidian thank you.

I think rather than talk too much about his mum I want to discuss boundaries and whether he has any with her. I think he really doesn't see that his behavior changes so much when they are together. She literally follows him everywhere. While she was here I was about to take him a towel while he was in the shower and she tried to take the towel from me and go into him. I just thought that was very strange and so did he.

Also it's the only time ever that he gets "mean" or unkind with me - sharp comments, frustrations etc. I used to find it really weird and confusing but now from what I read it seems that he does find the boundary crossing she constantly does with him difficult and obtrusive but he can't express the anger to her so it gets deflected onto me.

[PollyPerky]

You sound very unhappy. Is this MIL thing the tip of the iceberg and are you and DH not as happy as you think you are?

what you said here is not actually how you describe things now.

We have been married almost 20 years. We are happily married and have an equal relationship

An equal relationship means him listening to you and your opinions and your wants. Not riding roughshod over them.

Maybe you can develop a bit more sympathy for your MIL? She sounds as if her life is empty, she's divorced and wanting to show her friends your home via photos should be taken as a compliment, not a threat.

If she wants attention then perhaps you cans you can initiate invites and make her feel welcome for short periods of t have to resort to inventing excuses to visit you. Don't be jealous of her- try to like her more. She sounds quite unhappy deep down.

[PollyPerky]

sorry for the errors in that post. For some reason MN is very slow and was stalling when I was posting, and when I tried to make changes some words went and others didn't.

[FrancisdeSales]

Polly when she stayed with us for six weeks I was the dutiful DIL, took good care of her and bought her lots of clothes (she loves to shop). But it's never enough, no matter how much time you give her she wants more. Ideally she would move into our house, she wants us to care for her like a child and always has. She has 5 sisters who all live in her town. She doesn't have many friends as she tends to suddenly rage at them or do something to end the friendship and she is generally not good at making friends. She is heavily emotionally dependant on her grown children.

While she was here she said some unkind things to DS and he told me "Nana is mean". When we lived closer to her she would come to our house and bang on the door unannounced until she was let in. She usually always seemed to come when our kids were napping in the early afternoon.

She has opened love letters I sent DH and read them out loud to her sisters. She has raged at me and screamed at me, the worst time being when I was in the hospital with DD as a baby who was having chemotherapy. She called me when I was all alone in a room with an extremely sick baby and she was crying hysterically that she was "so worried about" dear grandchild. When I tried to comfort her and say "it will all be alright" she started to scream at me down the phone "She won't be alright! She won't be alright!". I found out later that SIL had been in the room when she made the call. When the call was over SIL asked her "how will that help Francis?" And MIL shrugged.

Neither of them thought to call and apologize or ask if I was OK.

This is how it rolls.

[thewookieswife]

Mine would rather be in the colds of Scotland than on the beach with me ! I think he was expecting me to sit at home twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to return - you should have seen his face when I told him I'd actually be at the beach and that he would have to be home by 23rd for the Christmas food delivery - and have to unload and store it etc ... I only get back late evening in 23rd !!

if your hubby would rather be with you, then that's your trump card !!! I wish mine would - but hey ho - I can't have everything !

[FrancisdeSales]

Although reading between the lines you would think "the woman's in denial she can't be happy" we sincerely are happy and do have a great life. I think that's why they try and co-opt us as well and want to join our family permenantly!

Yep DH wants to be with me more than them. I encourage him to see them without me but he doesn't want to. I took my own brother for a weekend away near his 40th birthday and we enjoyed each other's company. DH would never do that with his sister.