Runaway Husbands and Abandoned Wives?

[Langoustine]

How many of us are out there?

How many, like me, had a DH who they thought was very loving towards them, loyal, trustworthy and felt they had a healthy marriage only to have their DH disappear without ever indicating any unhappiness?

My DH followed the script from the book to a tee. Dropping the bombshell "just like that" after dinner and leaving within minutes. The reasons he gave later were as the book says "trivial or fraudulent". He became cruel overnight and tried to make himself the victim for the suferring he had endured of which he had never mentioned even in passing before.

No remorse, anger directed at me, friends and family turned against me, no interest in helping me or making it any easier and he redefined everything and our marriage and life as I saw it.

Would love to hear from anyone else, and how they came on over the years. I am 2.5 years in and while I have healed in many ways I still struggle with certain elements of it.

Mainly all the people who believed those lies about me. How I did not know who he really was for all those years. How I am supposed to feel about him in retrospect beause I feel both love and hate. Self esteem and fear all th time and needing reassurance from people.

There's a bit of me that still feels just totally bewildered and can't believe it ever happenned. In hindsight I see flaws in him (selfishness, manipulation) that I did not see back in the years when he loved me and chose to treat me like gold.

I do wonder where I will be in 5 years, 10 years or how marriage with someone new will work.

Anyone else out there?

[Elendon]

Lose, not loose.

[RedMapleLeaf]

Well, I meant as in terms of having to split shared assets, to release equity etc.

[wintersocks]

hollieberrie that's so sad I'm sorry to hear about your mum and what appalling treatment from your ex fiance. What an absolute shit he sounds. You are not in any way insignificant and it will get easier but will take time. I know that's no consolation now. MN is a great source of support if you're low.
elendon that's so and
toosassy 'trapped in a loveless marriage' I thought oh yes tick the bingo card I heard those exact same words I mean its just nonsense. I think they tell OW this and then just start believing it themselves, for convenience (although why do OW even believe such cobblers!)

OP I echo the others in saying thanks for starting this thread and to all of you, people on here sound so kind and hesterton your words are very inspiring.

[OllyBJolly]

Ha! I thought my marriage was so wonderful I was seriously considering becoming a marriage guidance counsellor! He'd been having an affair with his secretary for a year before he left. Insisted I stay in hospital an extra night after birth of DD2 "because she needs a rest" when it was really "so I can shag the GF". DD1 parked off to DGMs.

He worked in media so lots of overnights away and social dos. We lived rurally so quite credible that he would go out in town and stay over. I remember his best friend saying to me that I was so trusting - never saw it as the warning it obviously was. We booked a holiday with his brother and family - posted deposit THAT DAY - and he told me he was leaving. I'd never want for anything, all bills would be paid, I didn't have to go back to work. That was all retracted three weeks later! He didn't want tied down with a wife and family; he wanted to concentrate on his fabulous career.

GP told me there would be someone else. I disagreed vehemently - he never lied to me. Sure enough - GP was right. It's like I lived a lie for years. More than anything, he consigned our much wanted children (still believe that) to a single parent family. Played the doting father but in reality cancelled access at the last minute, forgot birthdays, moved 400 miles away.

Did the same to the OW (who is lovely and still sees the DDs much more often than their dad sees them). He is now with a GF who is 2 yrs older than DD1 and is pregnant. I hope this child grows up in a loving and together family.

You know what, OP? You will get through it. You're better than that. I remember telling a good friend what a fool I was, how I'd not seen it coming, how I should have fought harder. He said I had only trusted and loved someone - that's not a terrible fault. The abuse of that trust and love was a burden XH would have to bear for a very long time. Not convinced XH ever recognised exactly how much pain he caused - not only to me but to many others. I'm happy now, my kids are happy, I'm not chasing something that will never make me happy forever.

Wow - that was cathartic!

[Inexperiencedchick]

to all of you here.

[Starbar101]

Thank you everyone. After reading the comments I realise I'm not going mad.
And I can and will do this.