WTF is he drinking again? He's been to rehab. Not again

[Fleamog]

My DH was/is an alcoholic.We went through a terrible time a few years ago. I fought and fought to get him to rehab, planning to divorce him as he had changed so much through his drinking. So he went to rehab and a kind of miracle happened - when he had been dried out and had their therapy for a few months he turned back into the husband I had had for nearly 30 years. It was a fab time, 2nd honeymoon etc etc.This lasted a couple of years. We were happy again, so why the hell did he start secretly drinking again? Nearly 4 years later I know he is once again secretly drinking neat vodka at weekends. He doesn't know that I know. And I don't know what to do about it. Its been going on for a year or bit more. I have kept it to myself not knowing what to do about it. I am such a coward. Help - what should I do?

[Linds53]

I have been in your position fleamog and totally understand the fear you have of admitting to yourself and others that there's a problem. You're not being a coward at all. It's completely understandable. I didn't feel able to talk about my husband's drinking until his problems became too visible to hide. And talking about it helped me hugely. Once family, friends and colleagues knew they were able to give me the support I badly needed. If he is drinking neat vodka at weekends then he is probably drinking during the week too. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, as I know how hard it is to go through.

[exWifebeginsat40]

I was the alcoholic in my house. I was still drinking after losing my daughter, my job, my husband and my home. AA saved my life, but it doesn't work unless you work at it.

if he is drinking in secret he will not stop. the wheels have already come off - are you going to hang around for the crash?

I'm 18 months sober and I'm doing my best to put things right. it'll take me the rest of my life. I hope your husband can get a hold of this - BUT he has to do that for himself.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your family.

[cozietoesie]

Thank you for that, exWife. That post can't have been easy.

[Whatsforsupper]

Well, I know plenty of people that have thrived in 12 step, I know more who have thrived outside of 12 step having spent plenty of time in and out of the rooms.

I'm countering the posts in this thread that its AA/NA or nothing!

[mosquitocoast]

NCd for this.
I am really sorry you are going through this. My experience fwiw: my father in law is an alcoholic. His wife stayed with him even when he hit her when drunk, because 'he needs me.' She got cancer. He continued drinking and driving her while drunk even when he was her sole carer (he would be drinking, drunk and refusing to leave restaurants when she was upset because her colostomy bag was leaking, and it was an hour in the car to get home). She died. He is still drinking and got his first new girlfriend less than a year after she died (I forget how long they were married but it was in the region of 35, 40 years). The only thing that stopped him drinking for a bit was being in a car accident when DUI (after she died) and losing his licence. He now has his licence again and is drinking again.
Do not stay because you think he needs you. You have to either accept you will be living with an alcoholic till the day you die, and that he will put the booze before you even as you are dying in front of him, or you have to decide to tear up your life and leave and make a new one. I know neither of those are easy choices. Again, I'm really sorry.

[Whatsforsupper]

So, Ex you're suggesting the 90% that do want to get clean and sober who can't get clean,don't want it enough, hence they are still active?

That's an AA saying it has no validity in any evidence in any treatment other then 12 step. The facts are this.

95% of people attending all 12 step fail getting clean and sober are you honestly suggesting all those people don't want recovery?

Or, just maybe, AA is not for everyone and there is other methods of treatment available.

Sure AA has its place, it works for some people, suggesting those that don't get clean and sober need to want it more is nothing more then a AA platitude, in the world of AA nothing else works.

The sad facts are some people will never get clean and sober regardless of the treatment they attend.

[Whatsforsupper]

Op, I am sorry, I have derailed your post with my thoughts about recovery.

If you are to take AA at its word then relapse is part and parcel of being an alcoholic, it by no means he can't and won't recover.

You need to have a honest conversation with him about what you want to do going forward. If he won't get help and stop drinking you would be well advised to start thinking about leaving.

[Mistigri]

My OH was a drinker. He's now recovered (in remission, I prefer to think of it). No AA here and it would not be his type of thing anyway (personally I think much of it is evidence-free and semi-cultish).

DH had a couple of long (several week) hospital stays and subsequently attended a hospital-run discussion and support group with a cognitive behavioural bias, run by an addiction specialist. Probably the most helpful thing for him however was finding a good psychiatrist to treat the underlying issue (chronic anxiety).

About 6 years ago at the worst point I took the kids and left. He ended up in hospital and after his discharge we got together again. He has had two relapses since, one of which resulted in hospitalisation. I am "fortunate" in that it's obvious from his behaviour if he has been drinking (even just a small amount) and my eldest child is also able to tell if he is not sober.

I agree with those above who say that the drinking is very unlikely to be confined to weekends. It is also true that getting clean is a process, and few achieve it without at least one or several relapses, but what you describe is not a temporary relapse - it is a return to full blown alcoholic behaviour :(

I'm sceptical about talk about "enabling" - much of this seems to me like victim blaming in disguise. But it is certainly true that many alcoholics need to hit rock bottom before they are able to climb up the other side, and sometimes what it takes is a significant other packing her (or his) bags :(

[HopeClearwater]

I'm a long time member of Al-Anon and i found it invaluable in understanding the nature of addiction and the spouse's reactions to it. I'm an out-and-out atheist and don't find it 'weird' as a pp put it. Try another meeting and go with an open mind. Al-anon isn't for you to cure someone else's addiction - that's why some people don't like it. It's for you to learn how to deal with what someone else's addiction has done to you! Also, I have to disagree with the poster who said that AA see relapse as part and parcel of recovery. It doesn't have to be. It's just that addiction is a very, very difficult thing to overcome and AA people concede that you have to work at it, for ever. They have a saying that when the addict is in the rooms (ie in a meeting) their addiction is outside doing press-ups. (In order to be stronger when the addict lets their guard down). The nature of addiction is that it convinces the addict that it will be ok to drink next time. The OP's husband probably thinks he has it all under control. He hasn't, obviously.

[HopeClearwater]

AA has no features of a cult! Where's the charismatic leader? Where's the pressure to join and then to remain?

[cozietoesie]

I think you have to confront him, Fleamog - it's too big a burden to carry as you're doing. (As well, arguably, as not doing him any good.)

Your whole relationship at the moment is based upon lies and I don't see from your pretty despairing posts how you can continue with it in this way. (And that's assuming that he doesn't drive and won't some morning mow someone down while pie-eyed from the night before - because if that happens, all bets are off.)

[sugar21]

My ex is an alcoholic and always will be. He used to be a lovely kind caring man but after the death of our child he sought solace with bourbon and became vio ,......sorry can't do this
Good luck op

[cozietoesie]

I'm so sorry for your pain, sugar.

[sugar21]

Wanted to help the op but can't

[cozietoesie]

You tried - and that was a big deal. Take care.

[Fleamog]

First of all - Sugar21, thanks for trying - it is clearly hugely painful for you. Alcoholism is such a thief in some ways, taking my husband, who is the kindest, gentlest guy and hollowing him out till their was just a shell - this was before he went into rehab, when he hit rock bottom many many terrible times and tried to get help himself, without any joy. Now I guess he has relapsed, and I should have done something straight away when realised, but I didn't.
If there was a treatment that worked it would be a lot more straight forwards, but there doesn't seem to be. And dare I say it, it is well nigh impossible for alcohol not to crop up everywhere, which must be so hard for those in recovery. I joined my husband in not drinking and it is pretty foul even for me.
I agree that I have to talk to him and to try and keep calm when I do this, which will be difficult. I am not sure what I thought burying my head in the sand was doing or achieving, so I am glad that posting on here has got me. clear on that point.
I am gonna read the article above a couple more times, cos its hard to get your head around the different roles and what to do, that doesn't involve leaving. Also I am going to try and find a couple of counsellors to try and see what their take is, and how they can help me to do the right thing and to come out of it in the best shape possible. That's the plan anyway, I have to muster up the strength to go through with it.
Thanks for all the suggestions and also from the other side - exwifebeginsat40, and other people's experiences. It reminds me of when my husband left rehab, the director told us that he was the only alcoholic he knew who had stayed off alcohol after 5 years, which wasn't exactly very encouraging, but I was so sure we were gonna prove him wrong. I should have listened harder. And that was at a good rehab place. Honestly, we can put a man on the moon, a probe on Mars but can't get a handle on addiction.Maybe it is too much of a cinderella subject that no one is trying hard to find a lasting solution. I really am not sure what the answer is to the bigger picture of treatment and support - clearly nothing obvious is truly working. And I include the love of a good woman in that - as well as (grown up) sons, friends and family.

[exWifebeginsat40]

I wasn't saying AA is the only way to get sober. I said it worked for me. I also said that sobriety has to be worked at, which is true, because it is hard.

I don't have an agenda. all I have is my experience. he will only stop again when he is ready. sadly it can be quite a long way to the bottom and I wish OP and her family nothing but love and luck.