OP - Give Al-anon another chance. You need to talk to them, I am wondering if you actually got in touch with AA previously instead (they talk about higher powers etc).
Al-anon is completely separate from AA and is specifically for family members or anyone affected by another person's drinking.
Hard as the following may well be for you to read OP, you need to read this as well. This is you now:-
The wife is the first person who joins the alcoholic on the Merry-Go-Round. If she absorbs injustices, suffers deprivation, endures repeated embarrassments, accepts broken promises, is outwitted or undermined in every effort to cope with the drinking situation and is beaten down by the constant expression of hostility directed toward her, her own reaction is hostility, bitterness, anxiety and rage. Playing the role in this way makes the wife sick. She is not a sick woman who made her husband become an alcoholic but a woman who becomes part of an illness by living with it. She is put in a role which forces her to become the Provoker. She is caught between the advancing illness of alcoholism and the wall of ignorance, shame and embarassment inflicted upon her by society. This crushes her; she needs information and counseling, not because she caused her husband's illness, but because she is being destroyed by it.
Another reason why the wife needs help in the plan of recovery is that if she changes her role and begins to act in a new way she will discover she is standing alone. Others - friends, relations, business associates - will treat her as an actor who is deserting a play when there is no substitute to take her part. This is especially true if the wife separates from her husband, whether by choice or necessity.
Some wives can change their roles by having talks with a counselor who has basic knowledge of alcoholism, or by attending group meetings in a local alcoholism clinic or mental health clinic. Others gain insight and security by taking part in the Al-Anon Family Group meetings. Having new friends who understand her new role, because they have lived through similar pain and agony, is very important for the wife at this time. Relatives and friends may tell her how wrong she is in trying to play a new role; she needs people who understand and can give moral support in her search for answers to the problems of alcoholism.
The basic mistake made by women who seek help for their husbands'
alcoholism si that they want to be told what they can do to stop the drinking, not realizing that it may take a long time to learn a new role in the alcoholic marriage. Long periods of regular weekly conferences or group meetings are often necessary before a wife begins to change her feelings and learns to act in a new, constructive way. If others in the play do not learn new roles, the wife may need to remain in the group for a period of 2-3 years before her feelings and emotions will permit a change in role.
The wife should seek help for herself to recover from her own fears, anxieties, resentments and other destructive forces at work in an alcoholic marriage. As she is able to change, this may change the drinking pattern of her husband, and in many causes such a change leads to the alcoholic's recovery. Few husbands can stand a drastic change in their wives without making basic changes in their own lives, but this desirable change cannot be guaranteed. Many wives seek some form of help and then drop out of a program when the problems of an alcoholic marriage are not solved in a short time.
To avoid injury to the children, the wife must seek help outside the circle of family and friends. When she plays the role of Provoker the children are placed between a sick father and a sick mother. The wife who seeks and finds help early enough can prevent much of the harm which is being passed on to the children through her reaction to her husband. If she seeks and finds help, it will protect the children in many ways and may open the the door to her husband's recovery. The rate of recovery increases greatly when the wife seeks help for herself and continues to use this help.
The Moral Issue is also important. No one has a right to play God and demand that the alcoholic stop drinking. The reverse is also true. the alcoholic can only continue to act like a little god, telling everyone what to do, while doing as he pleases, if a supporting cast continues to play this role. The wife has every moral right and responsiblity to refuse to act as if her husband were God Almighty whose ever wish and commandment she must obey. As a rule, she cannot tell her husband anything for he refuses to hear it. Her only effective means of telling him what she means is to learn to free herself from his attempt to control and dictate what she is to do. This independence may be exercised in silence; it need not be expressed in words. Just as the real message to the wife is what the husband does and not what he says, she must learn to convey her message by acting in a new way.
Two things that may interfere with success is a long-range program for his wife. First, the husband's attitude toward the new role may range from disapproval to direct threats or violence. Second, responsibilities in the home, especially if there are young children, make it difficult for the wife to get away to go to group meetings, counseling or therapy during the day. At night, few alcoholic husbands will baby-sit or pay for this service while the wife attends meetings of Al-Anon or other therapy. Nor should they be trusted with this responsiblity while drinking.
If the couple married at an average age, during the pre-alcoholic stage of his illness, the wife ist he first person who joins him on the Merry-Go-Round when alcoholism appears. Many years later the Enabler and the Victim start their roles. If recovery from alcoholism is to be initiated before the illness becomes acute, the wife must initiate the recovery program. Most persons today, often including the helping professionals, are unwilling to accept alcoholism as an illness until it reaches the addictive stage of chronic alcoholism. Thus the wife will find herself in a position of a pioneer in the search for help. If her minister condemns drunkenness, she is ashamed to turn to him. If her doctor fails to recognize the existence of alcoholism in the early stages, medical help and counsel for her are cut off. If conditions become unbearable and she consults a lawyer, he may talk in terms of separation or divorce as the only service he can offer. This increases her sense of failure as a wife, or terrifies her with the prospect of the anxiety and grief she would have, if she took such action. So most wives stay on the Merry-Go-Round or get back on soon after trying to stop it or get off.
Until there are drastic changes in our cultural and social attitudes toward drinking and alcoholism, the family member who wishes to initiate a program of recovery from alcoholism must understand this can be a long and difficult process. However, if the wife or other family member is willing to enter a weekly program of educaiton, therapy, Al-Anon, or counseling, and work at it for a period of six months, changes usually occur, not only in her life but often in the life and action of the alcoholic. A wife cannot make a change unless she believes it to be the right and moral choice, so she must understand the nature of alcoholism. She must also have the courage to stand against her husband's opposition to her own program of recovery. A wife cannot be expected to do what is beyond her emotional or financial capacity. However, by remaining in a program of her own, she may be able to solve problems which at first seemed to difficult.
There is no easy way to stop the merry-go-round, for it can be more painful to stop it than to keep it going. It is impossible to spell out definite rules which apply to all members of the play. Each case is different, but the framework of the play remains much the same.
The family member is able to see the Merry-Go-Round of the alcoholic, but often fails to see that she is the one who helps to keep it going. The hardest part of stopping the repeated cycleis the fear that the alcoholic won't make it without such help. But what she unknowingly considers help is the very thing that permits him to continue to use alcohol as the cure-all for his problems.
If a friend is call upon for help, this should be used as an opportunity to lead the alcoholic and the family into a planned program of recovery.
A professional who has alcoholics or their family members as clients or patients should learn how to cope with alcoholism. Specific literature is available through local, state, and national programs on alcoholism. Short, intensive workshops are also available for professionals who are willing to spend time and effort to acquire basic knowledge of alcoholism.
If a wife thinks her husband has a drinking problem or drinks too much too often, she should seek help and counsel immediately, evaluating the situation in order to find the programs best suited to her needs. Regardless of the kind of help the wife chooses, she should not stop after a few conferences or meetings, for changes do not occur overnight. Regular attendance should be continued, for many wifes learn it takes a long to secure the real benefit from such a program. In our present society, the wife has one basic choice - to seek help for herself or permit the illness of alcohlism to destroy her and other members of her family.
Al-Anon is the most widespread group resource for the family today, just as AA for the alcoholic. Each has several thousand groups throughout the country. Many communities also have Alcoholism Information Centers, Mental Health Centers and professional persons who have learned to give wise and helpful counsel to the family.
To repeat, the wife can find a source of help for herself. This is the only way to break the merry-go-round of denial. Once help is found, she must continue to use whatever help is available and build her own program of recovery, perferably within an established group. Starting a recovery program may can greater suffering, conflict and confusion, but in the long run this is far less painful than helping the alcoholic continue to drink by remaining a member of the support cast of the play which keeps the Merry-Go-Round turning.