Could you date a teetotaller?

[Abundatia]

I recently ended a relationship after he gave me an ultimatum: that either I start drinking alcohol or he would dump me. So I dumped him.

My non-drinking isn't a big deal or something I tend to bring up. Not in AA or anything. I just don't want to drink anymore.

Would you date a teetotaller? Why or why not?

[Roomba]

I think it would depend on the reason why they didn't drink, more than anything.

If they didn't drink because they had issues with alcoholism, or have done something truly dangerous or awful under the influence of alcohol leading them to stop, that would bother me. I wouldn't rule out a relationship though. However, I have been in a long term relationship with an alcoholic/serious on/off 'problem drinker', and I will never forget that even during the good times when he didn't drink at all for years, there in the back of my mind I always knew that the drinking cycle would begin again... just one drink to celebrate something amazing, followed a few weeks later by him having just one or two drinks when out - of course stating this wasn't going to be a new habit it was a one off thing, and so on until within weeks he would be drinking himself stupid every night, not coming home after work all night, losing jobs, arguments, insults and violence, money and savings gone, all over again, til the 'teetotal' regretful stage started up again... I would worry that this would happen again tbh.

If they didn't drink for religious reasons, fair enough. But I am an atheist and couldn't really imagine getting very involved with someone who was very religious. But you never know unless you try it?

If they just didn't like alcohol, or the feeling of being drunk, or they couldn't drink due to a health condition or medication they took, not an issue for me at all.

I wouldn't worry about getting tipsy when they were sober, as I don't drink very much, or very often. I probably have a glass with dinner once a week or so, and if I go out with friends to the pub it is only around once a month this happens. I always stick to two or three drinks, and I know if I have any more than that I will feel dreadful the next day - it really interferes with my sleep and I get wicked hangovers from not very much drink!

I certainly wouldn't tell someone they needed to start drinking, pester them and then dump them for not drinking! that screams 'so boring can't think or anything social to do without alcohol's involvement' or 'drink problem and bully'!

[CocoPlum]

I've been thinking about this one - my instinct was no, as I do d r ink socially and have felt somewhat weird on dates when I've been drinking and my date hasn't. I suspect this says more about me though than I like to think! However I can see lots of advantages - the money you'd save on taxis, for example!

I think for me it would be like dating a vegetarian. It probably wouldn't be my ideal but I wouldn't rule a person out on that for a first date and if there was a spark it definitely wouldn't matter.

And I would never, ever set an ultimatum like that. What a dickwad. You are well rid OP.

[BadLad]

I don't think I would. If it transpired that someone was a teetotaller on a first or very early, then the relationship would probably peter out, because some of my favourite things are wine tasting, beer tasting and pub crawls and I like sharing those hobbies with my partner.

If my wife decided to stop drinking I'd just accept that, of course, albeit I'd be a bit disappointed. Nobody should ever be pressured into drinking.

[springydaffs]

My exMIL made a similarly hotly defensive comment when we unexpectedly dropped in to find her drinking a vast glass on wine with her lunch: 'I don't have a drink problem!'. As it hadn't even entered my head she had a drink problem it was nevertheless no surprise to eventuality discover she did.

That ex has a drink problem. Guaranteed.

I couldn't give a ff if people do or don't drink. I don't drink much bcs I have to concede I'm allergic to it . I enjoy being with people who are drinking if they're good fun. I know when to leave: when they get boring (ie pissed)

[cremeeggboycotter]

Good for dumping him btw OP. He sounds like a loser.

[cremeeggboycotter]

I could, as long as they weren't controlling and insisted I give up because they didn't drink. And as long as they don't mind wine in cooking, brings out the flavour imo. My friend doesn't drink but is fine with it in food and fine with people having a drink at dinner even if she's not. I'd date her.

[AmberFool]

I only drink water when everyone else is drinking as soft drinks make me heave and I get migraine if I drink alcohol. Most people don't mind, some say "what a shame" but I usually say not really.

[LemonBreeland]

I havent't read the whole thread. I don't drink often and I find that people who are drinking feel that I am somehow making a judgement on them by not drinking, or that I can't be as fun. I can happily enjoy myself while others are drinking but don't feel the need to join in that often.

It says more about the person who drinks and is being fussy about it than the one who isn't drinking.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Yes. My dh and I don't drink. (Alcoholism in our respective families and dh is on anti-depressants).
I always thought it odd that (generally) people drinking expected the nondrinkers to justify their position...when, imho, it should be the other way around (why do you need a chemical enhancement-in addition to hangovers/cumulative health risks?). Perhaps they are just uncomfortable drinking in the company of nondrinkers? But, why? Those reasons are about them, not the nondrinker.

OP , you were right to dump him. He wanted to shove you into a template to meet his expectations/comforts. As a PP said, what would be next?

Presently, I also am pretty much drinking only water...3 liters a day for low-carb boot camp .

[liquidrevolution]

I married one. Was a bit odd at first but it makes no difference now.

Plus he always drives home

[liletsthepink]

The pp who dislikes people who will only drink water - please bear in mind that some people can't drink anything except water due to bladder, bowel or stomach issues. I drink water because anything else will mean I'm on antibiotics and possibly in hospital the next day. Please think before you judge what others are drinking. It is not done to offend you or anyone else.

My DH and I are both teetotal and we are used to being treated like weirdos when we attend any social gatherings. We bet with each other how many times I will be asked 'only water, are you sure?' at a wedding.

[Keeptrudging]

I drink a few about twice a year, so not strictly teetotal. I don't enjoy the taste any more and get horrific headaches so it's not worth it. I've got the perfect partner as my husband is an alcoholic in recovery/AA (for many years). I love that we don't drink. Great nights out (and we can/do go to pubs/gigs etc), no drunken arguments, no hangovers, either of us can drive and great love life ! When I was (briefly) online dating, I actually specified in my profile that I was not a good match for someone who enjoyed drinking. I do think it was taking it a bit far to meet and fall in love with an alcoholic though!

There is so much pressure to drink though. It bugs me that I get looked at as if I've got 2 heads if I say I'm not drinking. I think there is a lot more drinking now than when I was a child. It's the norm now for many to have wine every night with dinner, and to then have a few glasses/beers through the evening. Female friends of mine drink a lot, almost daily, it's socially acceptable. I think your ex was an arse, he's obviously got control issues. It's him, not you. There are people out there who are moderate drinkers who wouldn't see it as an issue.

[KaraokeQueenOfTheNorth]

Being married to someone with alcohol issues I would welcome a partner who was teetotal...

[Trills]

I would rather not.

I am not saying I absolutely WOULDN'T, but I'd prefer not to.

In a real life situation, I might meet someone and like them enough to not mind.

In an online dating situation, I'd not choose a teetotaller.

In no situation would I try to persuade a teetotaller to drink.

[definiteissues]

I'm a smoker, but I don't think you can compare someone who doesn't want to date a smoker to someone who doesn't want to date a drinker.
Smoking smells. Even if you only smoke outside, you smell. Second hand smoke also causes an effect.
It isn't the same comparison as drinking at all

[TheCraicDealer]

No, I wouldn't. Mostly because here if you don't drink it's because generally because you're "good living" (ie very religious), and so that suggests there's other things I'm into which they wouldn't be.

The one person I knew who didn't drink for other reasons (didn't like it) was also a bit of a kill joy. Organised all the Christmas and office does for lunch time so we had to go back into the office afterwards, wanted to skip off as quickly as possible. We all got on well and there was no chance of the rest of us getting shit faced, but she just had no interest in sitting watching the rest of us share a bottle of wine or two after a meal. As it was a small workplace it really felt that as she was going the rest of us should too.

She was 40 and on the dating scene and it was a big issue. She said she could really see the light go out of men's eyes as she told them, "oh I don't drink". Sometimes if it was arranging to meet and they suggested a bar and she told them then they wouldn't even come back to her. I always told her it was best they showed their true colours then, but ultimately here (NI) there's a big drinking scene and it forms the basis of many peoples' social (and work) lives. If you don't think someone who you've made relatively little investment in is going to fit in somewhat with that then I don't think it's unreasonable to decide not to pursue it on that basis.

Now, saying all that your man shouldn't have been getting on like that. You're a grown woman, you know your own mind and I'm sure you've had enough people going, "Auch are you sure you won't have a wee drink" to know you're fixed in your views. If it was such a big issue he shouldn't have continued the relationship, not held you to ransom.

[Kampeki]

Yes, absolutely, as long as he didn't expect me to give up alcohol as well. It would be a complete non-issue for me.

[LadyB49]

I'm practically teetotal....wasn't always, and it served the purpose of improving my dancing skills and improved the company at parties. DH rarely drinks ( got that out of his system as a young 'un), now perhaps a Magners at an event. This means that we'd go to a pub for food, I'd usually have water, very occasionally a vodka...I'm a cheap date :) Buy it does mean that we have no interest in sitting in a pub for several hours......although there was a time......
But agree that op should not change her way to suit another.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

Although thinking about it, would you feel as freaked by someone wanting a non-smoker as a partner?

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

Just to look at it from another angle. I used to smoke properly. Total addict. I have given up but DH is a social smoker. I don't have a problem with that.
Also I'm a vegetarian but DH isn't. Again it's no problem.
If the date had an ex who was an alcoholic then he might be trying to future proof his relationship but otherwise it's a bit odd.

[PoundingTheStreets]

Two of my closest friends are tee-totallers. DP and I both drink. What I drink/do depends on who I'm with and what I'm doing. TBH I'd miss some of the tipsy evenings I have with DP but if he gave up alcohol tomorrow, it wouldn't be a problem. If I were on the dating scene, I probably would want to know if someone drinks, but more from avoiding someone with alcohol issues rather than avoiding someone who avoids alcohol IYSWIM. There is surely far more to a person than whether they drink alcohol.

That said, sometimes there can be a perception of being judged by tee-totallers, just as those who drink too much can be overly defensive of their drinking habits.

In this case I think you did well to lose the XP! What sort of knob says something like having to drink wine while I drank water was "embarrassing"

[SecondMrsAshwell]

My BF is teetotal and I drink fairly heavily, but not when I'm with him, cos I don't want to look an idiot.

So he does me good. And that's the best thing you can say about a man. He does me good.

[motherinferior]

I drink. My partner gave it up some years ago. He has many little habits that drive me to distraction but his non-drinking isn't one of them.

[m0therofdragons]

Dh rarely drinks and can take it or leave it. We go out and I drink wine he has cola and he drives. Perfect.