Can you please read this list......

[stablemabel]

Is any of this what you would describe in any way shape or form EA? If I put it in point form it might be easier to understand. (there is no or very little mega stuff mostly subtle stuff)

1. Getting silent (not refusing to answer just not talking) treatment.
   
2. Appearing very cross and sulky when spoken to.
   
3. partner Not wanting to engage in conversation about a problem/issue says 'it's a bad time, I'm tired' when YOU want to try and sort a problem. No suggestion as to what might be a good time or no further approach to subject by partner, therefore nothing resolved.
   
4. Being ordered in a cross voice to do something when you have done nothing wrong or not omitted to do something.
   
5. Not being supportive in disciplining children or encouraging (older) children to help around the house when partner is tired and could do with help.
   
6. Being told 'I thought you would have done xyz' when no one has asked you to do xyz in the first place.
   
   7)Partner knows you have something to do, tells you he will do it later that day. No sign of it getting done and you say in normal tone 'are you doing xyz or shall I?' Partner says 'I'll do it if you want me to' (no, I had said earlier I was going to do it - you offered ) the procedes to let you no the job is a pain and let's get it out of the way.
   
   
7. Forgetting to do a very important job that partner normally does, partner has asked for it to be done and left a reminder note. There is no apology to partner that the job was not done or forgotten, as if it wasn;t that important.
   
   
8. Being told to F Off in an argument infront of children (teens).
   
   
9. Ignoring partner's health issues or showing very little interest.eg just not asking 'oh how did you get on at doc, optician or whatever today?' when it is known you have a problem with something.Perhaps asking days or weeks later or not at all.
   
   
10. Regularly being told you shouldn't moan/get upset/feel frustrated whe you may have good reason too. Being told you are being negative when you are being realistic/practical.
    
    12)Not offering to help partner, when you are in a position to do so when you know they are tired.
    
    As I say it's mostly subtle ( I think or it might be me being too close to the wood!!) and between this there is lovely behaviour. But when I read this as if someone else had wrote it I am thinking 'you poor woman'

[Casimir]

'between this there is lovely behaviour.'

[loveyoutothemoon]

The other posters are just saying your other half sounds unhappy. And he does. It's nothing against you.

[sykadelic]

Some people are just arseholes. It's not emotional abuse, they just aren't good people.

From your OP:

1. Not abusive, just doesn't care
   
2. Not abusive, just doesn't care.
   
3. Not abusive, just doesn't care
   
4. This depends what it is and the situation. Sounds more like frustration.
   
5. Not abusive, just doesn't care.
   
6. Lazy/placing blame on you
   
7. Not abusive, just doesn't care.
   
8. Not abusive, just doesn't care
   
9. Rude
   
10. Not abusive, just doesn't care
    
11. Not abusive, just doesn't care
    
12. Not abusive, just doesn't care
    
    Honestly mostly sounds like he doesn't care about you or the relationship, that he's totally checked out of life with you and the kids.

[mulranna]

It sounds like Passive Aggressive Behaviour

www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm

Which can be very difficult to identify/pin point as it is a series of low level behaviours that have a cumulative impact - leaving the recipient exhausted and confused....and yes it is abusive.

[stablemabel]

I wasn't talking about labels at all, I was talking about behaviour patterns in order to try and understand what the heck is going on.

Thanks to some of you eg lavenderhoney but tbh I think coming on here when feeling raw is a mistake, some MN are very harsh, don't read the post properly or try and understand how an OP is feeling before they wade in with opinions and commands. It's really poor, I don't know what bandit and doorthink they are achieving with their comments except to make someone feel more unhappy with heartless advice. Please don't give advice to anyone else on here, seriously, just don't.

[Wando]

But work out whether you both want to work at it first. There is no turning back at a later date in most situations.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I imagine that when he is detaching or in a negative grump it's like living in a cold sunless spot, which in turn affects your mood.

It may not be a permanent state of affairs but sounds like he is awarding himself some sort of holiday from what many would consider normal thoughtfulness and consideration.

How far back can you go if you try and figure a time when he wasn't doing the kind of thing you mention? The spells of lovely behaviour to which you refer, are those likely to happen for the benefit of an audience or when it's just the two of you?

Does he feel hard done by about something?

[ShortandSweeter]

why do you need to label it as anything? If you're not happy, then split up.

[Wando]

The worst thing you can do is ignore this - you must both talk about it and soon

[imjustahead]

what's the story, how long has this been going on.

sometimes it means they are thinking about leaving, so start being an arse to set it up. or they are having an affair.

or depressed.

[happymummyone]

Not abusive, he just sounds fed up, as do you.

[Wando]

Give yourself time to work through all of this. Ask yourself does your DP want to change?

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

It doesn't sound much fun! It would make me beyond angry to be treated with such contempt.

I think singly they can be explained by general self centredness/twatishness .. But as a totality I would feel that I was being emotionally abused.

Do you want to stay in this relationship?

It's now probably good to sit down with a pen and pad.
What are you getting out of it?
Do you want to stay if he will still be like this at 60?
How much happier would you feel he changed?
Ask yourself these type of questions.

Do you want to go to relate?

[Peppasmate]

Your dp sounds very like my dp.

Ultimately you have to chose, can you live with being treated as he treats you?

The whole EA issue? Possibly but the behaviour & how it affects you is relevant not what it's called.

If your dp won't talk, you need to think how you will move forward. Separate? Counselling?

Good luck.

[rouxlebandit]

I agree that giving this man's behaviour a label is immaterial. The joy has gone for both of you. His way of dealing with it is to withdraw into himself and avoid confrontation and the prospect of the relationship ending or going through a long and upsetting process of trying to save it. You, on the other hand by posting here, demonstrate that you have the courage to take action.

[lavenderhoney]

i too am thinking " you poor woman" op.

What's the straw that's broken the camels back? Or is it all happening too close together now?

[ItsOnlyACake]

I would say that most of them are definitely EA and indeed recognise them from my own relationship which I am now attempting to leave

[Wando]

Emotional abuse

[Sleepyhoglet]

What is EA?

[Smilingforth]

Or perhaps just get of the house for the whole day

[Smilingforth]

Loveyoutothemoons point is a good one; you need time and space to think.

Could an alternative be that you get away for a day or two?

[loveyoutothemoon]

Can you get him to leave for a few days for you both to have a think about things and where it's going?

[kittensinmydinner]

Agree with Ketchup, why do you need a label ? Either way you both sound like you are having a fairly joyless time of it and need to do something positive to improve the relationship or separate. Doesn't matter one jot if he's 'EA' or not - you don't need to come up with a category to allow you to change /leave .

[Wando]

The most important aspect is what do you and your partner want. Do either of you know?

[KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable]

What difference would it make if we said it was EA?