Platonic friendship gone bad

[rosesmelling23]

I'm a long term single female and one of my closest friends is a guy i work with. known him for about 4 years, good mates, he has a DP (no kids). I have a bit of a thing for him but have never shown that.

We have a woman working with us on a four month secondment for a specialist project. Male friend seems to have taken a shine to this woman and they have been spending quite a lot of time together, both at work and outside (she's only in town for the length of the contract). Coincidentally, or maybe not, me and male friend had a huge row just before he started to spend a lot of time with this woman.

I feel like a jealous girlfriend, even though I have no place to be. Because of the row I'm worried I have been replaced as a friend by female work colleague. Also, because i have a thing about him, I am paranoid that he is going to fall for her and leave his DP. I guess at the back of my mind I always had a thought of if anything bad happened between him and DP then I could make a move.

I've spent a lot of time apologising for the row and being unattractively needy to try and get some reassurance that we are still friends. I am constantly thinking if only I had done this or that differently then he would be spending time with me not her.

I also have crazy stalkerish thoughts about how i can find out if they are just friends or if there is something going on. I've considered hanging round outside her hotel, and because of our work environment i could probably easily get access to his work emails. I'm aware of how crazy both these ideas are.

Before you think that we are all twenty somethings with nothing better to do, me and male friend are early 50s. I am going through menopause which i think may be causing the crazy thinking. Female work colleague is a good decade younger, pretty, sporty, funny and probably all the things I think i'm not.

How do i get my head back in control and stop wasting some much time overanalysing this.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

what a great person he is when he likes you

But how horrible when he doesn't like you!
He's been playing you like a fiddle. Sorry.

[rosessmelling23]

Actually, to help me peg him in the wanker stakes: if someone repeatedly does something I find upsets or offends me, I tell the person so they know how I feel. Friend says that if someone repeatedly annoys you, we're talking about a period of 6 months, you don't tell them. But then when he was so annoyed he couldn't take it anymore, he instigated a huge row but gave me no chance to change.

[IrenetheQuaint]

It all sounds very hurtful... but the only way forward for you is to step away from the situation and see as little of him as possible. Try to keep your analysing and fretting to a minimum or you'll just make yourself feel worse.

[CharlotteCollins]

That six month thing he said is really low. You are quite right to relabel him in your mind - and platonic friend to wanker is quite a big jump!

Find something to distract yourself. In the mean time, fake it till you make it. Keep on with the bright and breezy...

[RoseRoseRoseRose]

Just to say that I am going through something a bit similar and it is very painful. I hadn't realised how much I had invested in the friendship/crush. Ouch! I am consoling myself with the fact that things clearly had to change - it can't be healthy to be bobbing along in a little bubble of fantasy for too long. Like you, I'm trying to fake it til I make it, and put plenty of distractions in place until (hopefully) it all fades. for you.

[rosessmelling23]

Thanks Rose. I find it really difficult to talk about in real life because as soon as I start to explain the situation I feel quite embarrassed and know I should know better. Yet I still seem to be ready to forgive friend anything. Maybe because i don't have many other close friends, or maybe because I'm stuck in the past and just remember the days when we were good friends.

[ThatsNotMyRabbit]

He sounds absolutely horrible. No loss.

[DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow]

I don't normally like posts that tell people to get a grip... But in this case, that's what you need.

The friendship was never platonic on your part, don't kid yourself that this guy didn't know you had a 'thing' for him (and don't kid yourself that other colleagues didn't notice either), and by your own admission, you were practically waiting in the wings ready to step in if things went wrong with his partner. Can you honestly say that if he'd shown any romantic interest in you whatsoever you wouldn't have ended up as the OW? You talk about how seeing his behaviour and the time spent with his new friend is how affairs start, then basically admit you'd have been happy to take up just as much of his time.

Move on, stop begging for the crumbs from his table. Distract yourself every time you mind wanders to him. Take up a new hobby, read a good book, look for a new job if you have to, just stop mooning over this gobshite. Nothing about your friendship was what you thought it was.