It's been a long time since I've been on here to ask for help.
My children are now teenagers and I feel like I've woken up from a deep sleep regarding my marriage. Then sometimes I think I'm making this up in my head and I'm the one who needs help because I'm too sensitive or leap to conclusions - very confused basically!
Where to start?
I have my own business but it really only brings in enough to help with certain household costs - DH pays for most stuff.
I think my husband has been emotionally abusing me for most of our time together (22 years) only I've just not seen it or simply adapted to survive.
He has NEVER hit me and I don't feel physically threatened.
Over the past two years we've had problems, mainly because I've stopped putting up with his sht. he does most of the cooking - if we argue - he'll either throw the food in the bin or simply not cook.
He tells me I'm hormonal and a bitch at certain times of the month - this has gone on for YEARS and for a long time I've tried all sorts of remedies/drugs to try and cure me - at one point I was soo grateful that he put up with me and my hormones and felt like a terrible mother/wife. He still blames my hormones for EVERYTHING. I snap - hormones. I answer back and be VERY honest as to why he's pissing me off - hormones - even when I KNOW it can't be hormones - he says it is.
I was given an overseas assignment - amazing for me and he seemed really pleased but then a possible second overseas assignment came up which was in late December (after xmas) - he went ballistic - saying i was abandoning the family - especially when it was the only time of year he could take some time off as well, he used every tactic under the sun to stop me going. Sulking, crying everything. I refused, the assignment would have paid my tax bill and other bills I normally struggle to pay in January. I eventually told him that I didn't want to be with him anymore - I'd had enough. Then the crying and wailing really started - at xmas I got sooo many expensive presents, we went to couples counselling for a while, went on weekends away together and long walks and talks, things really seemed to improve and I felt bad that I'd ever thought I wanted to leave him and an idiot for thinking those terrible things - when I explained these in counselling - he always said afterwards - I think you are making this up in your head, I began to think he was right.
Things have slipped and I really am unhappy and again tentatively said I was soo unhappy I thought it would be better if we divorced. He immediately went into smooth operator persuasive mode and within minutes I couldn't understand why I'd even said it - I kid you not!!
He's now asking my girlfriends on facebook to be friends, following my contacts on Instagram and twitter, tells me to go out with my friends more often. Has organised for the kids to go to his mums a day early so we can have time on our own... The thing is we are good together in bed and we do get on but there is the nagging feeling that it will all go tts up again and where do I go then. He's being very attentive and complimentary. Last year i decide to do a Reiki course but didn't say anything to him as I thought he'd laugh - next thing I know - he's booked on one as well! It's a bit creepy and stalker like TBH
I came home from visiting relatives with the kids to a bed covered in rose heads and a jewellry box in the middle (my DD nearly threw up!!)
I am scared - do I throw 22 years together away - what about the kids, how would i even begin to pay for a divorce - let alone everyhting else...
The big question is - has anyone else gone through this - am I being silly - or should i keep making an effort for the sake of everyone?
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Emotional abuse - or being silly?
positivo · 18/08/2015 17:35
Mulberrybag - good luck on your own journey - I hope it all works well for you too - feels good on the good days doesn't it!?
Well done, I'm so pleased for you.
Am going through the same thing. Still in the same house but apart - I know with absolute certainty that I have made the right decision but it doesn't hurt any the less. Keep on keeping on as the say on here & well done again
Wow well done you!!! That's seriously impressive. Hope you get happiness and closure soon.
I was in a most exactly your situation last year, I has made excuses for his behaviour for 23yrs. Even down to the overseas trips our stories are similar.
Anyway the big question for me whether he was in nasty or nice mode was "am I being myself?" nd the answer was a resounding NO.
If he was kicking off about something I was either appeasing him, arguing with him or letting him stew, all of which where centred around him instead of me just being allowed to be me. If he was in nice mode I felt I was treading on eggshells so as not to upset the applecart, again not giving myself permission to be myself.
We met when I was 25, last year I woke up on my 48th bday with the realisation I'd spent almost half my life apologising for who I was or trying to change who I was (and I'm really an ok person) and decided I wasn't putting up with it any more.
At the next (inevitable) argument following some perceived breach in acceptable behaviour by me, I told him I was leaving. 7 weeks later I did and have not regretted it.
22 yrs of shit is no worth saving 
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