Can love grow?

[adinfinitum]

NC for this, just in case... My question for you wise Mumsnetters is... can romantic love grow over a period of time, and is there a point beyond which it probably isn’t going to happen if it hasn’t already?

Background is that I’ve been seeing someone for 6 months, met online, he’s 36, I’m 33. Good points are that we get on really well, spend a lot of time together, make each other laugh, sex is all fine, he’s very thoughtful and just an all-round good person. Not so good points are that he has some intimacy issues and he’s not a demonstratively affectionate or lovey dovey kind of person, although he does make a big effort to cuddle me because he knows it’s important to me. He’s a really genuine, incredibly nice person, would do anything for anybody, but he’s definitely a loner by nature and would be happy to spend most of his time on his own, working (he’s got his own successful business). However, again, he makes a big effort to include me and spend time with me. All to the good… however, I have come to love him, but he doesn’t feel the same way about me. We are definitely boyfriend/girlfriend, there is absolutely nobody else involved, but he doesn’t have romantic or lovey dovey feelings about me and he doesn’t miss me when I’m not there, even though he likes my company. I know this because he told me – he did something daft, I said (jokingly) ‘ha, just as well I love you anyway’, to which he said ‘oh god, don’t say that! No L words!’ and the conversation went from there. We didn't argue or anything, he answered all my questions, was very open and was very conscious of not wanting to hurt or upset me but still be honest, which I really appreciated; obviously I was a bit 'oh, right'/taken aback but we both still want to continue as we have been doing and it 'ended' with us cuddling on the sofa as we usually do.

Anyway, what I'm pondering though... He has only been in love twice previously, once in his 20s and the other one ended about 2 years ago, both lasted about 18 months – 2 years. Once it happened very quickly and the other time took him a long time, I don’t know which was which. He says he’s ‘hoping’ (not really the right word) that this will happen with us and ‘something will click in my brain’. My question is, can this happen and how long do I give it before I read the writing on the wall and accept that it’s never going to happen?

I appreciate there may not be an answer to this; how long is a piece of string and all that, and I’m absolutely not giving him deadlines or ultimatums or anything like that, but I guess I’m maybe just a bit down about it, in the ‘but WHY don’t you love me? what's wrong with me?!’ sense! (Even though I know objectively that while I'm far from perfect, there's nothing fundamentally wrong with me). I just want a normal relationship with someone I love who loves me, and to get married and have a family. He knows this, and he says he does want marriage and children (although clearly god knows if with me!!), but there is also a big 'loner' part of him too. It’s just a bit confusing, as certainly a lot of how he acts implies that he has stronger feelings for me – for example recently I had an issue with my house and without hesitation he told me to come to his where I basically moved in for nearly 3 weeks and he didn’t want rid of me (I checked and he would tell me!), but seemingly that may just be his nice guy/wants to help side, rather than it being because I’m particularly special to him. He nursed a close relative through a terminal illness in his late 20s and it affected him deeply, he did cite that as a reason, without making excuses, as to why he finds it hard to feel ‘normal’ emotions or open up to people; he did have counselling but didn’t find it particularly useful. Anyway, just wanted to give a bit of background. Any similar experiences or thoughts would be appreciated. I really do love him and just want to be happy and make him happy really; I think we could have a great future together if that’s what he wants, so, can/does it happen? Can love grow like this?

Ugh, apologies for the length of this, I clearly can't use one word where 10 will do

[spudlike1]

I think the 'I love you' statement can be over used and shallow
It's more about are you both headed in the same direction , looking for the same things , planning the next stage in the same way .....I could go on
You have to talk to him and go with your gut in the way that he responds .
He could be nervous about change? he could be coasting ? he could be the eternal bachelor? Very difficult to tell from here.

[spudlike1]

And don't put up with something that isn't going the way you want it to ...no point ..

[spudlike1]

I mean if you ain't feeling it after 6 months ......you ain't feeling it ...end

[SelfLoathing]

Read this. It is written by a man and answers your question:

www.therulesrevisited.com/2013/03/men-dont-fall-in-love-same-way-women-do.html

TLDR = The important thing to recognize is that you cannot expect (much less make) a man gradually fall in love with you in the same way that you might fall in love with a man. It doesn't work that way for us. Male romantic love is something that either starts early and continues, or else doesn't start at all.