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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Ffs Facebook - am I crazy???????

45 replies

WhoDunn1ts · 06/08/2015 21:42

Ok, not really sure if this is the place to do this because I'm new to it all, so if I'm doing it wrong in sorry.

I'm not sure if I'm being very unreasonable and just stupid or if I've got a valid point for being upset so hopefully someone can help me
I've been with my bf for 9 yrs, since we were kids really. He's never been interested in Facebook, but I've always had one, and he would always use mine to just browse through stories, and watch videos, even contact a few of his mates and family.
Last week he decided to set up his own fb account, when I asked if he was going to add me he said no. I'm OK with that. I was just wondering. Even though it upset me a little I thought nothing of it and thought he needs his privacy.
The thing that's annoyed me is that every time he isn't near his phone or there's a chance I may use it for something (phone call/Google maps) he completely logs out of his fb app. This is everytime he uses Facebook, he logs straight out of the app, does anyone else do this? And on top of that he is refusing to add me.
He used my Facebook account the other day to have a look at his own to see what people who he isn't friends with could see on his profile, he noticed that people could see his friends and photos even if hey weren't his friend, so he changed it all, so that you can only see anything if your friends.

Its really upset me and I find it insulting that after years of him having access to all my emails, Facebook and everything else he feels the need to log out of his fb account just in case Im around. Am I bring unreasonable with the way I feel about it?

OP posts:

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TravellingToad · 09/08/2015 13:13

You could always create a fake account with a sexy profile pic and add him. He might accept and you could see his profile. But tbh if there was this level of doubt in my relationship is be gone by now.

LucySnow12 · 09/08/2015 13:10

This is bizarre and I would be worried. What friends has he added? This type of secrecy is never good for a relationship. My husband practically begs me to look at his FB posts!

DrFoxtrot · 09/08/2015 12:28

It might not be suspicious but it's the double standard that would annoy me. How dare he expect free access to your Facebook when he isn't allowing you the same?

On the other hand, I agree with other posters who think it is likely to be suspicious. And you do need a Facebook account to join Tinder, so there may be even more in it than you've already considered.

SelfRaisingFlour · 09/08/2015 11:45

Surely if he was having an affair he could use email, the telephone or actually meet in person and wouldn't parade the affair in front of Facebook friends and family.

SelfRaisingFlour · 09/08/2015 11:39

I don't have DH as a Facebook friend. I live with him and talk to him face to face.

I use Facebook for family living overseas and people I don't see regularly.

One of my Facebook friends will post things like "Thank you husband for making a delicious dinner tonight" and he'll say "That's OK. Love you princess" and I just think, can't you say that to the person in the same room with you?

I don't think it's necessarily suspicious.

Jan45 · 07/08/2015 12:34

So he wants friends and family to see his FB page but just not you, and you have to ask us if that sounds suspicious?

Yes, and extremely disrespectful, he sounds awful.

Botanicbaby · 07/08/2015 00:54

he sounds like an idiot, you can already check what people who aren't your friends can see on your profile without resorting to viewing your own profile using someone else's login.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 07/08/2015 00:11

He used my Facebook account the other day to have a look at his own to see what people who he isn't friends with could see on his profile

I would say he used it to see what you would be able to see on his profile. Though to check it out with you knowing that's what he was doing was very, very blatant, so perhaps not. Or perhaps he takes you for an utter idiot.

I don't want to ask him and sound like a whiny little jealous thing because I've never been like that and don't want our relationship to go that way

This is worrying. Do you always prioritise avoiding sounding like a nag ahead of voicing your concerns in this relationship? People don't call men nags, you know.

handfulofcottonbuds · 07/08/2015 00:03

Why don't you ask to use his account to see what those who aren't your friends on FB can see on your account? Just like he did with yours.

WhoDunn1ts · 06/08/2015 23:46

Ok thanks for the advice dragons.

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DragonsCanHop · 06/08/2015 23:44

Don't give him your mumsnet as well as fb.

Be confident that he has made you feel paranoid and see if he wants to make you feel better.

Yanbu = you are not being unreasonable, it he is in the wrong for making you feel bad.

WhoDunn1ts · 06/08/2015 23:38

Sorry if I sound naive nauticant, but could you say why I shouldn't show him?
The only reason I thought it might be a good idea is because I know what he'll say if I ask him about it. Just that I'm the one being stupid and I should snap out of it. I thought maybe if I show him that it does come across as a little fishy he might consider seeing it from a different point of view.

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nauticant · 06/08/2015 23:23

Perhaps I should show him this post to prove that other people think it's weird

Don't do this. Really, don't do this.

Botanicbaby · 06/08/2015 23:22

YANBU - you are not being unreasonable (in response to your original question...am I being unreasonable the way I feel about it).

You are not being petulant and irrational. You have every right to feel fucked off about it. Hope you've changed your FB p/w.

autumnleaves123 · 06/08/2015 23:16

Ahh good old FB... always creating extra stress in our lives.... like we don't have enough...

WhoDunn1ts · 06/08/2015 23:07

Of*

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WhoDunn1ts · 06/08/2015 23:06

Sorry what's YANBU? I'm new to all this.
Spidey senses, lol.

Tbh i feel as though I'm being petulant and acting irrational but on the other hand I feel insulted at the way he has gone about it. And because if this we've been distant for the past day or so, he knows something is up with me but he hasn't even bothered to ask what.

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SurlyCue · 06/08/2015 23:04

Yeah that would piss me off too. However, if he is cheating then hes a bit dim.(entirely possible mind- not all cheaters are smart about it.) There are so many less obvious ways for him to chat to/creep on other women. I'd still have this out with him though. Hes up to something.

hesterton · 06/08/2015 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Botanicbaby · 06/08/2015 22:56

meant to add YANBU. But I wouldn't demand to see his FB either. Just refuse to give him continued access to yours. Fair's fair and all that.

Botanicbaby · 06/08/2015 22:54

"Seems like I need to have a proper chat with him. Although I know what he'll say. Just that I'm being paranoid or stupid. Perhaps I should show him this post to prove that other people think it's weird and its not just me being unreasonable because no doubt he'll convince me that I am being unreasonable."

Right. So you change your FB password and don't let him log in or browse as you ever again. Then let's see who he accuses of being paranoid or stupid when you refuse to hand over your password next time he wishes to use your account. I would expect he is up to something too, trust your instincts OP.

WhoDunn1ts · 06/08/2015 22:50

Thanks everyone. You've been helpful

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Pilgrimforever · 06/08/2015 22:25

I log out of Facebook every time I use the Facebook app or if somebody else asks to use my phone.
I am friends with DH on there though so slightly different.
I also clear my browsing history on my devices whenever I go on the Internet on them.

GaryBaldy · 06/08/2015 22:21

Yes I would be asking him to hand over his phone logged into Facebook so you could look at it.

If he has nothing to hide then it won't be a problem, but IMO it doesn't sound good.

WhoDunn1ts · 06/08/2015 22:20

Seems like I need to have a proper chat with him. Although I know what he'll say. Just that I'm being paranoid or stupid. Perhaps I should show him this post to prove that other people think it's weird and its not just me being unreasonable because no doubt he'll convince me that I am being unreasonable.

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