Should I keep my mouth when I disapprove of DH's big purchases?

[Flingmoo]

Every few months or so DH will make big extravagant, frivolous purchases such as a new SLR camera, lenses and recently he's just randomly blown £800 on a drone. He's never had one before so to me it makes no sense to go straight to a high-end model rather than trying out a cheaper beginner one first. Last year I had to stop him buying an expensive telescope which I knew he'd just use a few times and after that it would just be a big bulky thing taking up space in the house.

We're not broke but if you add it all up over the years I'd rather put the money towards paying our mortgage, or something that we can all enjoy, like a nice holiday. He works full time and earns about double my salary, I work 3 days a week, if that matters.

We don't usually argue about money but I would really prefer it to be spent on something other than what are effectively grown up toys. On the other hand, it's his money to spend as he wishes... should I just keep my mouth shut? If I say anything he either gets grumpy about it, makes justifications for it, or just ignores it.

Maybe I should just shut up and buy myself an £800 handbag which he would disapprove of...

[Cabrinha]

And the other thing I'm about is you saying he wouldn't approve of an expensive handbag. I'm actually more like him - I'd spunk £800 on "technology" but see a handbag as a waste. But I'd sure as hell see that as MY different priorities and not show my "disapproval" to you!

[BuggersMuddle]

I tend to think cash gifts belong to the recipient but there's a certain amount of common sense that needs to be applied. E.g. As a starting point there needs to be enough money to go around. After that I wouldn't feel great if the level of 'treat income' meant partners affording vastly different lifestyles.

[Cabrinha]

This is how the birthday money thing would go for me:
H: "ooooh, we're £500 up - how kind of my mum!"
Me: "that's loads! Are you going to splurge or save?"
H: "we could put it to the holiday fund?"
Me: "it's your birthday! Treat yourself - you want that drone don't you?"
H: "you really don't mind?"
Me: "course not! Go for it! Mind you, we don't need more clutter - you sold those lenses yet?"
H: "ummmm...."
Me: "get on it - then you'll have enough".

[FanOfHermione]

Agree that extra money is also going in the pot IF you are talking about amounts that are so big.

Company reward scheme is definitively as a joint assets as his salary is!

Besides how fair is it that he can pay himself whatever extravagent stuff he wants but feels it's OK to judge you when you spend some money on yourself?

The other thing that stands out is that he always find justifications for his spending, gets grumpy about it and now conveniently tells you it;s b'day money/reward scheme stuff therefore you can't touch it (and I assume say anythihng about how he spents it).
Why is it that he didn't say so right from the start or didn't tell you how much money he got for his b'day? Is he worried he would have to 'share it'?

[chrome100]

If it's his money and he can afford it then no, I don't think you can disapprove.

[GooodMythicalMorning]

Yes sounds exactly like our conversations cabrinha.

[coffeenowalnuts]

Oh, come on! He's not a 14 year old who gets to spend his pocket money however he wishes. He is an adult and a member of a family. I put my birthday and Christmas money towards the purchase of a new fridge freezer - because I happen to be a responsible adult.

What it comes down to is this - are you able to buy the things that you want to buy or are you feeling the pinch (while married to a man who buys £800 toys)? He isn't subsidizing your lifestyle because what you are doing is just as worthwhile to your family, and I'm assuming you'd have struggled to have a child together without your sacrifices? So, just do make sure you are looking after yourself!

[Strawberryfield12]

I will not enter into ethics of accepting money from grand mother, but I think that money and Company reward scheme should go to the joint pot. What were you doing at the time of him doing favours to grand mother? Probably looking after your DC or doing house chores on your own, t.i., pulled the load of both yourself to free DH to help his family. Very noble from you and any gains from DH doing it, is the result of shared effort. Or is that favours money so old that you weren't even together at a time?

[Jan45]

Chances are if the OP started spending £800 on handbags every few months, the family budget would be significantly effected so it does matter what he spends his money on.

[Cabrinha]

I've just realised, for you not to have known it was from this birthday money, gifts from granny, work schemes... you presumably do not have a joint account?
Otherwise you would have seen the additional money going in.

I hate joint accounts for all but bills - so that's not a criticism. But sounds like there's no fair division of the spends if all the money entering the family pot via him is in his account and staying there.

That, coupled with him not already telling you it was from that money before - well, I call bullshit.

[CerealEater]

Do wives really see money given to their husband for Christmas or birthdays as being half there's? Surely it belongs to the person it's gifted too, just like when a child is given a gift.

As long as he is meeting his share of the bills then he should be able to spend his left over salary on nice things. People should be able to have their own things once married.

[Cabrinha]

CerealEater I think it depends on if the family is running a tight budget. If it's needed in the pot, in it goes.
If money is OK, the yes it "belongs" to the recipient.

But if you love someone, live with them, are married to them, have a child with them - how would you feel about having a £1000 from your birthday when they had nothing? (by what OP is talking about, that's a reasonable guess I think)

I'd share it. I just would. I could be "richer" than my partner. And I've been the higher earner, btw. I've also been the one with no card from their mum on their birthday whilst XH got £1000. We were both earning well then so it would have been just left for him.

But I'd feel really shit going out buying an £800 drone knowing my own WIFE had far less.

[Cabrinha]

couldn't be richer

[CerealEater]

Then perhaps buying the item not gifting cash is the answer, it seems a little unfair on the person gifting if it has to be handed over to the wife and doesn't go to the intended person.

The OP doesn't have as much disposable income as she works less so sacrifices salary to not work much. The DH doesn't so earns more. Seems unfair to expect to work less yet gain the same extras.

[FanOfHermione]

Cereals in my house, money given as a gift is mine BUT you are not talking about £thousands. You are talking about £50. Same with DH.

Big amounts like these will always go in some ways for the wealth being of the whole family.

[coffeenowalnuts]

I don't think anyone is saying he must give his money to her, you've taken it to the other extreme.

It's also not the case that she has sacrificed salary because she doesn't want to work so much!

The OP says she spends £50-100 a month on herself, and she includes clothing and meeting friends for lunch out of that, so some weeks she spends less than a tenner on herself. Does that sound fair? She's married, not sharing the house with someone who has nothing to do with her and her child.

[FanOfHermione]

NO she doesn't have as much disposable income because she doesn't parents well enough to give her that sort of gifts!! We are not talking about him buying stuff from his income but from b'day money etc...

[coffeenowalnuts]

That was to CerealEater by the way in response to it seems a little unfair on the person gifting if it has to be handed over to the wife and doesn't go to the intended person.

[FanOfHermione]

Sorry my sentence doesn't make sense at all. Words missing....

I meant that she doesn't have a similar disposable income because she doesn't have wealthy parents to give her gifts! That's nothing to do with the fact she is working or not or whatever.

[Cabrinha]

She's not necessarily working less if she's looking after a toddler all day - and possibly picking up the lion's share of household responsibilities to balance the work. And saving money for both of them on nursery fees.

I don't entirely disagree, I made a similar point upthread about her "treat" possibly being more time off work. But only possibly, not definitely.

I'm still not convinced it is birthday money anyway. He didn't say that originally.

And even if you're in the camp of his birthday money is spent on him, the salary money isn't shared fairly from the communal pot by the sounds of it!

[FanOfHermione]

Btw, my parents could be doing that sort things (ie very generous gifts). Sctually they do, in the form of gifts rather than money.
BUT they also give presents to DH for Christmas and b'days of similar amounts. Or they buy me (us) something for the house that we both enjoy (eg dinner table)...

[Joysmum]

Do wives really see money given to their husband for Christmas or birthdays as being half there's?

I see any money coming in as household income because that's how it works in our house. No way I'd want to have more than my DH. I can't see how anyone would be happy with anything other than equality

[AcrossthePond55]

We've always treated gifts, vouchers, bonuses, gambling winnings, etc as that spouse's to do whatever we want with them. In earlier, 'tighter money' times we would always choose to use 'unexpected money' towards bills. But now, luckily, we don't struggle for money. We each have rather expensive hobbies so it usually goes towards something to do with that. But there are times where DH or I will choose to make it a 'family affair' and use towards a holiday or special purchase for the whole family.

[MrsMummyPig]

The thing about these money threads is that every couple does things slightly different and most think their way is the right way. I don't think there is a clearcut, one size fits all, right or wrong way to divide up the household income but there is a right way for you.
The way things work at the moment obviously isn't it so you need to work out between you, as a couple a way that you are both happy with.
We don't have joint accounts and some people think that is wrong but it works for us. I wouldn't spend or expect my partner to spend gift money on a fridge freezer as a previous poster did but that way works for them. I think you need to discuss the issue with your DH as that's the only way to agree on a way that works for both of you.
I hope you sort it out, if not buy that £800 handbag

[MuffMuffTweetAndDave]

The possibility cabrinha raises about OP 'buying' herself more time off work could only hold good if DH isn't benefitting at all from her being home those 2 days. Which doesn't just require totting up childcare costs, although obviously that's necessary. But also any housework, shopping or home admin OP does during those 2 days that doesn't relate strictly to DS being in the house. So if she ever washes up DH's breakfast pots as well as hers and DS's, if she does washing when she's at home, has tea ready when he gets back, makes the bed or cleans and tidies anything other than the mess DS makes during the day- he is benefitting. And this would need to be taken into account.