DP tightfisted with me, but generous with ExW in the past - feel like I'm worth less than her to him.

[AnotherGirlsParadise]

I'm aware that I'm probably going to come across as mercenary, bitter, and shallow, but I'm honestly none of these things!

Been with my DP 3 years. In that time, he's never been generous with gifts, in fact he's quite tight. I've always been the opposite - I love treating him to things, big or small, just to make him smile and feel loved. My parents are both financially generous people and I grew up seeing this, so to me it's second nature. If he ever needs to borrow bits of money here and there, I offer to lend it to him immediately. If I need to borrow from DP, he is visibly bothered by it, even if he knows he'll get it back the next day. I know that some of this goes back to his previous marriage.

His ex wife (who I knew before I knew DP, so this isn't just his version of events, I witnessed her behaviour for myself) would often buy people gifts, in order to get something in return. She also did this with DP - buying him things like games consoles, then pointedly asking for something of equal or greater value 'because I just bought you something nice'. DP's marriage to her was unhappy (infidelity on both sides, she's quite a narcissistic type and his self esteem was very low), but he bent over backwards buying her gifts and anything she wanted in order to please her. Flowers, expensive jewellery, whatever she wanted. I do know that she demanded quite a lot of these things, but he always acquiesced. However, following their split she often referred to him as 'tight', which always made me .

DP filed for bankruptcy during his marriage, losing his house. He ran up multiple credit cards, took out loans, all the usual. He admits to being terrible with money, and from what I can gather, he spunked it all on holidays, DVDs, games, and keeping ExW happy. He has nothing left to show for it.

Now, I understand that the bankruptcy has made him significantly more careful with money (a good thing!). I also understand that having a golddigging ex would affect your spending in future relationships too. However, I've never made any demands of him. I have stopped buying him the frequent little gifts, and significantly reined in my spending on him, because it's no fun being the giver when it's ALL one sided - that probably makes me sound awful. I have told him how this makes me feel, and in particular how it makes me feel 'less than' his ExW - she treated him like shit on her shoe, and he couldn't have tried harder to please her. It feels like the better I treat him, the lazier he gets with trying to make me happy - like he doesn't need to, somehow.

I love him dearly, he's a wonderful man in every other way, but this does make me really sad. I guess it comes down to my own insecurity about not meaning as much to him as his ExW (although he says he loves me far, far more and have made him a million times happier), and that I'm not worth the odd silly little gift - even something like a magazine or a favourite chocolate bar.

Feeling crap about this again today due to asking him to pick up some ingredients for dinner later - I have no money for the next few days or I'd have got them myself. He complained he didn't want to chip into our savings for things like food. I snapped and told him it'd cost a couple of quid and to stop being such a fucking miser (he has no qualms buying himself action figures, DVDs etc, is always scouring eBay). He apologised immediately for being selfish, I said it makes me really unhappy. Still feeling crappy now - and again, like if I was his ex, he'd have gone straight out and got whatever had been asked for.

I guess I just needed to vent. I probably sound really childish!

[pocketsaviour]

It sounds like you express affection in different ways, you give gifts to show you're thinking of someone, he probably has a different tactic.

If you can get him on board to do this test it could be very revealing
5 Love Languages

[Cabrinha]

This man has managed to have an affair, go bankrupt, split up, get together with you and have two kids... all in 4 years!

I know I'm making a big jump here, but the scouting eBay for crap, running up credit cards (in the past?) and not managing his money well day to day - you say you lend him money when he is short - all suggestion to me that he has pretty poor impulse control! An "I want it now" type.

I would really watch that. No way would I be lending him money even if it was for a few days. He needs to learn to rein himself in.

I do think that you are equating gifts with love to much, but you've recognised that now.

You are WAY too hung up on (a) comparing yourself to the XW and (b) slagging her off. She probably isn't a saint. But it was his choice to spend the money.

And you say he'd do anything for her... well yes, anything but not quite everything, like not cheating on her. (I know they both cheated) But look - I'm not feeling the love in his behaviour towards her!

I've only had one gift buying boyfriend - became my husband - that was a mistake! He replaced any kind of true involvement in the relationship with buying over priced crap.

There are so many better things to give your partner than material things.

[Inertia]

Why the hell is he spending family money (it's family money if you have children together) on dvds and toys for himself if you're short of money for food? Seems to be that the problem is not lack of gifts for you, it's that he's happy to see the family go without so he can buy crap for himself.