anyone else let go of the idea of "the one"

[pickingup]

I'm 38 and have finally, I think, made my peace with being alone.

I have a small child from a brief marriage, which I think has filled that kid shaped hole. I would have liked another but it's not to be, and that's ok.

I didn't have my first boyfriend until uni, that lasted about 2 years.

Next one was for a few months when I was about 23.

Next one was the one that got away and was from 27 to 30.

Next one was an ill advised marriage which happened purely because I thought I was missing the boat. I had DS and we split shortly after.

I am now a single parent, work full time and have no family support or anyone to rely on. I'm so busy and tired, I can't think of anything worse than dating. I like my space. I like my routine. I don't want a succession of boyfriends that I have to introduce my child to.

My child is 3 and he is everything to me. I don't want to put his needs secondary to a relationship or to my own needs (although I acknowledge that when he gets older I need my own life).

Am I reasonable is thinking that, at 38 I'm done? I don't have the time, energy or patience for a man in my life. I have never met anyone who has truly cherished me and I'm fed up of waiting. I think I'm ready to let go of the dream.

I'd like to know if anyone else has got to this point. Is it ok? How is it being older and on your own? What about when the kids grow up? I don't know anyone else who was just passed by in life when it came to love. That's how I feel, just passed by.

I'd like to add by way of extraneous detail that I am fun, educated, slim, well dressed and interesting. There is nothing I can put my finger on that might have contributed to my never having met a nice man to spend my life with. Just bad luck.

I'm rambling now so I'll just take a deep breath and

[BeaufortBelle]

I gave up on the idea of the one when I was about 28. Parents' failed marriages and a broken heart twice too often. I wasn't the girl that men wanted. So I stopped looking and I found myself. I did what I wanted, when I wanted and generally pleased myself. I was very very happy. I had a house, a future, and a plan for it. ............................and then - well 27/28 years on.

[MadeMan]

"and th idea that out of 8 billion people on earth there is only one soul mate out there for you is a nonsense."

Even if somehow it was possible to round up every suitable person on the planet to meet them all, you'd probably never have enough years in your life to filter your soulmate from 8 billion people.

[BeaufortBelle]

What I was trying to say was live life for yourself. Do what you want and enjoy it. That way if no-one pops up on the horizon you still have a fulfilled life and everything to live for, everything to gain and nothing to lose.

[goodcompany2]

I think never say never. Never say you won't meet anyone, never say the relationship you have will last forever. None of us knows what may happen. Divorced from EA husband at 39 with 4 kids under 12 years of age. Was left in a terribly brittle and damaged state. Gradually rebuilt myself and my life without entertaining the idea of a man in my life as I didn't want or need the distraction from my more important priorities.
Then when about 45 (self esteem rebuilt and happy in self) started OL, nice coffee dates but no dating or romance, more as a bit of social fun than anything else. Then my best friend at work who had relatively recently become single and I started flirting a bit, then dating and a year on it's great to realise that I drifted into a relationship with someone I already liked and trusted. I would have happily remained single though missed sex terribly but I ended up in the best relationship I've ever had after years of accepting permanent singledom was my lot.
Weird but nice.

[pickingup]

Quite right Beaufort.

Can I just apologise for the typos in my last post! Hopefully it's vaguely decodeable!

If you build your own life for yourself, no one can take that away, but if you build a life with someone else, they can take it away any time they want to.

I was so cross with myself after my marriage because I did it again - gave up a lot for a relationship to be left with very little, and I'd done the same for the one that got away (TOTGA) and gone back on my promise to myself that no one would take my home from me again.


Oh and I'm not bitter or unhappy at all. I love my life. Quite a few people express admiration for my being a single parent etc but I always say honestly, it's not hard! DS is an absolute joy, I have a job I love, plenty of money. We want for nothing!

[Allofaflumble]

I believe I was meant to be single. I am at an equilibrium when I am not trying to make something all wrong into something right.

Most of my relationships have been with men who have myriad issues that run the gamut. Add in my own issues and you can imagine the chaos of emotions.

Truthfully, I miss a man on some occasions. Like when something happens with the car and I am fed up with being independent.
I miss someone who is good at giving oral sex. Having to reciprocate is a chore to me. selfish but true.

Money is tight for me and sharing the bills would be easier.

Apart from that I love the peace of mind.
I cannot see me ever having another relationship......but I have many good memories of fun flings in my twenties and thirties.

[DougalTheCheshireCat]

Interesting thread.

Just to chip in on a comment below 'wouldn't it be great to have some who always has your back'. I'm not sure that there are many relationships like this, truly.

Though lots in relationships want to put a gloss on for themselves and others that there are. Or just don't mention times they've felt let down by their partner to keep up appearances (because we're all operating under 'the one' myth at some level).

I am in a good relationship, I think, although I'm also accepting that there is a fundamental uncertainty in all relationships. Much of the time, we do support each other and we are a team. But I can think of a few really rough moments where not only did we NOT do that, but actually I felt he was making things worse. One in particular when I was very ill not long after out first DC was born. I fell apart emotionally, and her couldn't handle it and we rowed every day I was in hospital. I felt tremendously let down by him. At the time there were moments where I decided to leave, but parked it as I wasn't able to. So I figured I may as well stay while I recovered, got my life on track etc.


Afterwards, we talke and talked, several times, to get to the bottom of what happened. We worked through it, got to a deeper understanding of each other, resolved it. Things changed (and improved) fundamentally between us. I stayed, I am happy, our relationship is better for it.

Still, deep down I know in that kind of situation , and under stress, each of our natural reactions are different, and it may come up again.

What I'm saying is, relationships are hard work, and sometimes that work comes at the worst possible moment.

Also, I don't think this thread is sad. Not at all. The many many threads where women are choosing to stay, or have wasted a longtime with someone a relationship with someone bad for them are sad.

This thread is about valuing yourself, knowing your worth, finding a way to be happy that comes from within, not without. all round

[goodcompany2]

Took almost 8 years post divorce to even get as far as describing myself as dating. I was a very happy singleton and I'm still happy as a part of a relationship. Think having separate homes and a degree of separation in our families helps hugely. Fewer compromises to make and kids still come first for both of us. Taking it slowly and enjoying the journey which may be a long one together or not. Trying not to over analyse and label him as the one, rather as the one who adds to my feelings of happiness right now. Guess it's very different for those who aren't planning having kids together. It's about companionship, support, sex and friendship rather the the financials of house buying, raising kids, careers and childcare. Being older has it's benefits here...think 'the one' might be the same person throughout your whole life for some. For others it's the one for a stage of your life. Creating children, raising them, enjoying retirement with (I'm not that old or financially secure yet)

[nooka]

I think that there are many ways to be happy and that a single life can be just as happy as a coupled up one. I also know people that have found love at all stages of life, I don't think that there is ever really a time when you are 'on the shelf'. Of course there is the biological clock, but once you are past that stage of life there is no reason not to date if you want to.

My aunt found love after widowhood in her late forties, a friendship that just deepened into love. My new (well I think it's ten years now!) uncle is just lovely and they are very sweet together. A great friend of mine at work got married in her 60s, an unlooked for relationship that blossomed.

People live a long time, I'm sure there are new relationships growing among octogenarians out there! But also many single people living happy fulfilled lives with friends and family.

[pickingup]

I agree Dougal. It's far, far sadder to spend your life (or any chunk of your life) in an unhappy relationship.

I haven't been lonely for one minute since my divorce but God, I was so fucking lonely in my marriage I couldn't bear it.

I know a few people in very happy relationships where you couldn't imagine them apart (although who knows what lies beneath?). I know people putting the gloss on relationships which I wouldn't stick around in but which, for one reason or another they do and seem happy with. I know people with the wrong person desperately trying to make it work and knowing it's a losing battle.



I'm not the worst off amongst my friends by a long chalk.

Does anyone else worry about investing or relying too heavily on your kids when you don't have a partner? I don't want my DS to feel he has to look out for my feelings when making his choices. He doesn't have to have me for every Christmas (although fuck knows what else I'll do!) for instance!

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Pickingup...interesting point you make about "investing" in your kids. I certainly don't...well not with my eldest child, she is nearly an adult and has her own life. I won't, however, ever forget being in my late teens and having a "pub crowd" that went out every weekend and one of the girls starting to bring her Mum along who had divorced after a long marriage. I would say her Mum was younger than I am now but it was just WRONG. This woman was investing her entire social life in a bunch of teenagers on the lash on a Friday night. She was completely out of place and to be honest, she knew it. It was awful. We were all as kind as you can be at that age before 10 pints of Stella! These were the days before mobile phones and internet dating though...hopefully she's sorted herself out in the intervening 25 years...

In terms of finding love later in life, my Dad is a good example. He had been with my Mum for 40 years when she died at 60. He was 63. Luckily my parents had a huge social circle who rallied and ensured my Dad was included in everything. One friend knew another single lady, much younger than my Dad by 22 years, but introduced them anyway. So, I have a stepmother only 8 years older than me but who has been married to my Dad for 10 years and is lovely. I am absolutely sure my Mum would approve and it goes to show, you never know...!

[purplesprings]

I'm older than you OP but with a young dd. I am happy to remain single as I can't see any benefits other than sex to being in a relationship. Having a partner would mean finding time to fit them in which either reduces the time I can spend with dd which isn't fair to her or reduces "my time" which I get very little of. I don't want to spend my "me time" trying to keep a man entertained/happy.

I look at the relationships around me and none of them make me feel that I'm missing out.

[WhatifIdid]

OP, if you want another child, and have the financial resources, what's stopping you? Biggest regret of my life that I didn't have the last dc I wanted. Coping with 2 can be easier, as they play with/support (when older) each other.

Over-investing as a lp in dc is something that comes with the job imo. My youngest is about to leave home now and I'll be living on my own for the first time after decades of children at home. Not sure how I feel about that.

[pickingup]

I agree absolutely purple

What's stopping me What? I'll list my reasons and see if it becomes clearer in my head:

Finances. I can manage one comfortably, but my plans for DS will have to change if I have two (school fees)
Support - literally have no family or other support network where I am. Again, I can manage with one because I'm used to it, but juggling a newborn.... I'm scared that I wouldn't cope
Affecting my relationship with DS - it just works so well and we rub along so smoothly, I'm worried I would spoil or affect this and regret losing that closeness
Just the idea of dealing with a newborn again - urgh!
Losing the goodwill of people who help me - I ride a certain wave of sympathy (with my family particularly) because exh left me with a young baby. If I was seen to "bring upon myself" another child I would lose that sympathy. I don't have day to day support from them but I get some financial help and am close to them emotionally, and don't want to risk that.
What if the new baby isn't an "easy" baby or has other issues such as developmental issues? I don't think I would cope on my own.

I had vaguely thought I would wait until 42 (so four years) and then make a final decision. I also wondered about fostering but I'm not sure it would work in my circumstances. I could be happy fostering or adopting, as I don't feel the need to be pg again or have a newborn. I'd be happy with a child brought to me under different circumstances. Again though, this comes with issues which affect DS and isn't straightforward.

Sorry, I'm splurging my thoughts onto the page!

I am actually changing my job this year and will be looking after children, although older ones. I wonder whether this might be an alternative way to fill that hole for me too. We'll be living with these children too, in a communal way. Sorry I don't want to out myself by being more specific! But it might be an alternative solution. I'll be "mother" part time to about 50 kids!

[3mum]

Well meaning friends ask me pretty much every time i see them "So are you seeing anyone then?" and when i say no and that I have no intention of doing so either, i get that face, the concerned grimace that says "Poor dear she doesn't realise that what she needs is a new man, that'll fix her".

Like hell! I wasted the whole of my youth in a shitty marriage with someone who cheated behind my back, never ever paid me a single compliment and whose idea of a fun time was to pick holes in me.

I have no desire ever to get close to anyone again. But I am calmer and happier than I can ever remember being. I love running my own life and living in a house decorated exactly how I want it (my bedroom is fabulous and no man is EVER going to have access to it). I look at the relationships of those around me and I don't envy them.

I'm open to the idea of a nice FWB but that is as close to a relationship as I wish to get.

[Gabilan]

I wonder if men realise just how many intelligent, sorted, funny, attractive women out there would like sex without that much commitment.

[chinup2011]

I felt very much like you pickingup however now my children are getting older and making lives on their own, one will be leaving home next year. It's then it becomes desperately lonely when you have done your job and they want to flee the nest. Enjoy things while you can but you may need to reasses as time goes by.

[DougalTheCheshireCat]

Pickup: your u don't have to be single to over invest or over rely on your kids.

My mum did it. I read something somewhere that said women in unhappy marriages fixate on their kids, and she did that. She was married for 30 years and was unhappy for at least 20 of them which is v sad.

She worries about over relying on us, about Christmas etc. my experience is, as an adult child, I'd love it if sometimes she took responsibility for her own Christmas. Just announced she was off to India for three weeks or something (she would never do this).

Having said that, it's ok that she doesn't. She was /is a great mum.

I'm more than happy to give something back. My siblings and I will always make sure she is with at least one of us for Christmas etc. I do wish, though, that she would relax into that, trust us, enjoy it etc.

As it is she is caught between worry (about over burdening us) and insecurity (about being alone) a lot. So even though we are there for her,it doesn't seem like she feels that.

If you can maintain your own confidence, have honest conversations with your adult child/ten, sometimes when your health and resources allow do something off your own bat which free them up (and gives them space to appreciate and miss you) you'll be fine.

I took a few Christmases off when I was single, just went off on a tropical yoga retreat of similar. It was brilliant. I recommend!

[pickingup]

chinup it's nice to her from someone a bit further down the line. I know now is relatively easy as far as not feeling lonely is concerned - my 3 yr old is completely dependent on me and it's a time of life where even if you were in a marriage there wouldn't be a lot of spare time to devote to that marriage, so not having the worry is quite a big positive.

Obviously once they start leaving home everything changes. I've always loved travel and have had a lot of hobbies so as things stand I think I will pick all that back up again and hopefully that will provide me with enough interests and a life outside my child. I have spent several Christmases travelling and am happy to do this again.

As for friends with benefits, I really don't want the benefits so what I need is a friend or two. Urgh I don't miss sex at all - messy business which just brings trouble! I'd like someone to come over for a glass of wine or do a couple of jobs for me on the weekend, and that's maybe not so hard to find...

It's been lovely hear from others in the same boat though. And nice to realise that I AM happy, not just telling myself I am to make myself feel better....

[FolkGirl]

I've never believed in 'the one' anyway. I think that someone could be loved by anyone of a number of people if the conditions are right.

I've had 2 LTRs (inc a marriage) and a child from each. Both relationships were abusive. I've had 2 short term relationships since. The first 2 ultimately cheated on me. None of them were with me for the right reasons.

I've never been loved (not even by my parents). I've never been cherished. I've never been valued or respected. I wouldn't know how to have a proper relationship.

I'm tired and i'm weary of it all.

I find it hard to say that I'm giving up, because I can't quite accept that I'm going to have lived my whole life having never been good enough to be loved by anyone (I don't count the children simply because they can't help it. It's nothing to do with me and I generally just feel guilty that they've got such an inadequate mother.)

Some days are better than others. Today is a bad day.

[Feelingworriednow]

FolkGirl I read your post and it really resonated with me. I feel exactly the same. I finally admitted to myself today that I have felt lonely almost my entire life. I knew that technically my parents loved me but 9 years in boarding school being bullied and never once hearing my parents say they cared, meant I never felt loved or of any intrinsic value. I used to say I "don't inspire devotion" and laugh, when people wondered why I was single still. Although I said it as a throw away comment, I actually meant it. I too am so weary of it.

I have had 2 LTRs as well and I knew when I married my ex that it was a mistake but I didn't want to be on my own and thought this would be the only chance I would get. My DD was the best thing that ever happened but she is 14 now and the days of having her at home are going fast! It is a relief to know I'm not alone (ohh the irony!) but so sad for us all!

[pickingup]

No, I should, clarify, I don't believe in the one either. I just meant someone who wants broadly what I want, and someone who wants me for longer than 2 or 3 years.

FolkGirl I recognise your username, and I'm sorry to read your sad post. Is it too trite to say that the person who loves and cherishes you your whole life could be YOU? Low self esteem seems to come through in what you write (unsurprisingly by what you say about your family), and maybe the secret is to raise your self esteem yourself, without a relationship as a frame of reference.

The person who loves and respects you for your whole life is yourself if you have high self esteem, and let's face it you will never let you down will you? Maybe that's the secret to inner peace.... :)

[swisscheesetony]

pickingup I know you in real life - sorry to out you as it were (island girl here) and I know you're not done. You're fucking amazing and some brilliant bloke is going to rock up and see that.

I think you're fucking ace and my kids love you too xxx

[catrin]

Sadly, I always believed in 'the one'. I thought I had it and when my H behaved hideously and we ultimately split up, I was beyond devastated.

Since then, I have become bitter and cynical and generally hardened.

I have had relationships since - not looking to have anything permanent or serious at all and as such they end, because the men want more than I am able to give. I don't have anything left to give anymore. No time, no niceness, no space for another person. I believed I would be in love forever and that ended. I won't put my faith in the system again.

[FolkGirl]

Yes, my exh and I married because he felt no one would ever love him and that he would feel his life would have meaning and value if he 'rescued' me. I let him rescue me because I knew no one would genuinely want me either.

I just feel broken, discarded and unwanted.

I have been out today with my children and some friends. We spent a couple of hours with some other friends before coming home.

Yes, none of them are people I could turn to in a crisis because I'm in one now and I have no one to turn to.