anyone else let go of the idea of "the one"

[pickingup]

I'm 38 and have finally, I think, made my peace with being alone.

I have a small child from a brief marriage, which I think has filled that kid shaped hole. I would have liked another but it's not to be, and that's ok.

I didn't have my first boyfriend until uni, that lasted about 2 years.

Next one was for a few months when I was about 23.

Next one was the one that got away and was from 27 to 30.

Next one was an ill advised marriage which happened purely because I thought I was missing the boat. I had DS and we split shortly after.

I am now a single parent, work full time and have no family support or anyone to rely on. I'm so busy and tired, I can't think of anything worse than dating. I like my space. I like my routine. I don't want a succession of boyfriends that I have to introduce my child to.

My child is 3 and he is everything to me. I don't want to put his needs secondary to a relationship or to my own needs (although I acknowledge that when he gets older I need my own life).

Am I reasonable is thinking that, at 38 I'm done? I don't have the time, energy or patience for a man in my life. I have never met anyone who has truly cherished me and I'm fed up of waiting. I think I'm ready to let go of the dream.

I'd like to know if anyone else has got to this point. Is it ok? How is it being older and on your own? What about when the kids grow up? I don't know anyone else who was just passed by in life when it came to love. That's how I feel, just passed by.

I'd like to add by way of extraneous detail that I am fun, educated, slim, well dressed and interesting. There is nothing I can put my finger on that might have contributed to my never having met a nice man to spend my life with. Just bad luck.

I'm rambling now so I'll just take a deep breath and

[Gabilan]

"It can happen!"

Yes, it can happen that people meet good partners later in life.

But I think the point is that quite often it doesn't happen and that this is preferable to being stuck in a shitty relationship. Also, I'd rather not wait around for "it" to happen, or spend soul-destroying hours trawling OLD sites. I'd rather just get on and live my life on my own. If someone available comes along and I want to have sex with them and them with me then fine. Otherwise, I can't really say I think I'm missing much by being single.

[stuckinahole]

Born 1977. 38. Snap at all your relationships & DS (except the marriage bit)

And Snap ... At I'm so over not having a man

[MadeMan]

"...retaining their own busy social lives, activities and homes, and meeting for card games, meals, cultural pursuits and holidays."

That does actually sound quite ideal.

[damnstatistics]

This is a great thread and thank you for the idea that in mid-life a relationship can be about companionship, support, sex and friendship

My mum met her DP in her mid-60's - he literally did knock at her door one day! He was researching his family tree and her little cottage had been lived in by previous generations of his family... they got chatting and... now have what seems to me the ideal relationship - retaining their own busy social lives, activities and homes, and meeting for card games, meals, cultural pursuits and holidays. He is the most lovely kind and supportive man and has even taken on our quite large extended family with ease. After 7 or 8 years Mum is still quite thrilled by him.
It can happen!

[purplesprings]

Housekeeper and a gardener for me please

[Gabilan]

"It's no surprise to me that married men top that table or that single women are happier than married women."

No, it isn't a surprise at all. And I'd love to have a housekeeper, or a butler.

[purplesprings]

Hopefully we can set our dds (and dss) a positive example of how women can lead happy, fulfilled, independent lives without a man to validate it so that they set the bar higher for themselves from the start.

[RoseRoseRoseRose]

I really empathise with this thread. I've been single since splitting up with DDs father (she is 7 now). I think I'm probably at my best when I am single. I do love the freedom and Independence. I have a lot going on at work and some really nice friends. I actually have a great life and am happier than I've ever been in my life.

And yet....I would love to be special to somebody. I have a lovely male friend who I developed a crush on. He doesn't feel the same way. And that does make me feel a little bit sad. Rationally, I know that there's every chance we'd drive each other mad if we were in a LTR, but the idea of being with somebody who would love and support you is hard to let go of. (Even though I know that most of my friends don't really have that in their marriages, and I think on balance my quality of life is better than theirs. I certainly wouldn't swap with more than a handful of them.)

[Athenaviolet]

I was a single mum of a 3yo.

My 'sole mate' had died so I wasn't looking for another relationship ever. I did want DC to have a sibling though so I was prepared to do that alone.

Then I met DP. He certainly didn't tick the boxes I had. But we have developed a really strong relationship over the years. We've had 2 more DCs yet I still have a lot of the freedoms I had when I was single.

Some of the relationship cons you listed above shout out to me that you've had dis functional relationships in the past and have low expectations. I certainly don't shave my legs or wash my hair every day and DP would never expect me to!

Long meaningful conversations and regular sex often go out the window after a few years and 2/3 DCs. I think that's normal.

As for 'dating' as I had a DC and little childcare DP and I hardly dated at all. We'd meet at lunchtime, annual leave days when DC was in nursery or he'd come over after DC was in bed. We didn't cohabit for 2 years.

Now dc1 is a teen and quite self sufficient I definitely think I'd be feeling very lonely now if I didn't have DP & DCs. Having a DP to 'babysit' means I have a good social life-eg frequent weekends away with friends. I couldn't leave dc1 alone that long if I was still on my own. Plus he's at that age where he just wants me for £££ to go and spend time with his friends (normal). They don't stay 3yo forever!

[JaneRichards1]

Bugger... it's Tim Minchin isn't it. Not Tom...

[JaneRichards1]

I don't believe in the concept of the one. I believe there are many ones around. I saw Tom Minchin in concert and he had a funny song called "If I didn't have you I'd probably have somebody else". It's a bit crass but it perfectly demonstrates the truth of the matter - that the one doesn't exist and that there is a sliding scale of 'perfect'. There could still be lots of people for you out there - they may not be 'the one' but they may be pretty darn close! xx

[pallasathena]

Do you know, this is almost a social revolution.

The history books will look back on this time and say this was the age when women walked away from unsatisfactory relationships and walked towards building their own, individual happiness.

Cool!

[Nowstrong]

So...
I'm 60. Married twice. 3 children. 5 grandchildren.
To cut a very long story short. I'm so much better on my own. Extremely busy (work full time). Travel a LOT. Have huge amount of fun. Lovely lover (younger).
People keep asking me when I'm going to settle down. I don't want to. I do not want a man to live with permanently. I do. not. want. a man child to look after (had 2 of them, thank you very much).
I'm now on reasonably good terms with my nearly ex husband (no 2) and every time I see him I am reminded that I am SO much better on my own.
I cherish my free time and enjoy being alone, which does not happen very often (and I love my tidy and clean flat).
I look at so many relationships of friends and I hear the complaints, hear about the abuse, financial and emotional. The lack of sex, physical tenderness, nearness. Sometimes even niceness is missing.
I really do not think that I am going to meet THE man who will change my point of view.
I'm lucky, I'm in good health and I am financially independent. I do not believe that I have a special one waiting for me out there somewhere. If there is one, I am no longer ready to make any vague sort of compromises for him to "fit in". I have become extremely independent and now have (thank you mumsnet) a good twat radar.
Life is too short to waste it on a selfish man, I prefer to waste it on selfish me and my family. For the time being anyway. Never say never. But I doubt it. I have put the bar extremely high.

[SelfLoathing]

I have an impression of women seeing that when it comes to relationships the cost benefit ratio is so often just not in their favour.

Ages ago I read an article about a survey of happiness and it found the order of happiness is as follows:

1. Married men.
   
2. Single women.
   
3. Single men.
   
4. Married women.
   

In other words that generally speaking, the people that get the most of out a marriage are men. Was it Joan Collins who said what I really need is a wife? I get that. It would be fantastic to have a SAHW - who looked after the house, children, cooked a meal for you, ironed (or organised ironing) for your clothes etc etc.

It's no surprise to me that married men top that table or that single women are happier than married women.

[Isetan]

It's been six years since my last relationship ended and I'm not done but I ain't looking either.

Single parenthood is hard sometimes but I think it would be more difficult co-parenting with someone else (DD has essentially been abandoned by her useless father) and considering the damage DD's father's done, I would be very reluctant to introduce another man into her life.

I like the idea of a partner but the reality would probably be difficult and frankly, I don't think I could be arsed. Fortunately, I like my own company and there aren't any man sized voids that need filling.

For every loved up couple I see, I know there are an unhappy pair not too far behind them. The things I would want in a relationship I have now (minus the sex and I don't miss that much either) and I was never lonelier than when I was in a relationship that wasn't working.

I feel complete because I have DD and no man could ever come close to bringing me as much joy as she does.

[suzanneyeswecan]

Some very interesting and insightful posts, I have an impression of women seeing that when it comes to relationships the cost benefit ratio is so often just not in their favour.

I suspect that this has always been the case but women these days increasingly and rightly expect to be treated as equals and will not accept 'partnerships' where the other person benefits at their expense.

[chinup2011]

folkgirl You ARE worth it and are good enough. It's tough to see things when you are tired and weary. I really hope you have a better day today.

[MsBaxter]

My past has been incredibly similar to pocketsaviour.

I dabble in OD and have a very good socilal life which puts me in contat with men. But my standards and self esteem are very high these days so no one, so far, meets my very high requirements. Its a much better way to be than settling for someone because he shows me some interest which is how things used to be.

[Egghead68]

Gave up at 40. It's fine.

[Pinklaydee1302]

I always felt I needed a man to complete me. Had a few boyfriends but never been right. Decided I'd had enough n was quite happy on my own then I met a truly lovely guy (who messaged me on dating site I was about to cancel that day!!)

[pickingup]

I'm sorry FolkGirl. Is it something counselling could help with?

[FolkGirl]

pickingup no, it's not trite to say it. And sometimes I try really hard.

But I don't love or cherish myself. I don't think I'm worth it. Or good enough.

I tried to fake it till I make-d it. But I've failed and it's starting to fall apart. It's not crashing down, but bits are falling off all over the place and i'm trying to hold it together and I can't. I feel like I've successfully duped some people for too long into thinking I'm a good enough, worthwhile person and it's starting to crumble now because, the truth is, I'm not.

So, anyway, I'm trying to come to terms with the idea of it all now.

I am worried about the future and being alone, but I wouldn't even try to have a relationship now.

Sorry, I don't think this is very helpful to you!

[pickingup]

haha swisscheese they let you back in then did they? :)

Thanks chuck. Yeah, maybe I live to fight another day. Right at this moment though a brilliant bloke could knock at my door and all I'd think is:

I'm tired
I don't want to have to shave my legs every day
I don't want to think of interesting and stimulating conversation
I don't want to have sex because I like fresh sheets and I cba to change them fortnightly every few days
I don't like going on dates
I really was going to wash my hair tonight

So, maybe BriliiantBloke (tm) would have to come back in ten years when DS is out with his mates and I'm getting a bit bored.

I don't think bitter, cynical and hardened is a path I want to take though. Good lord I could have done, and there's a certain battle weariness, I can't deny. But I'm trying to remain fresh, optimistic and vital. It's just a lot of energy.... :)

[FolkGirl]

Yes, my exh and I married because he felt no one would ever love him and that he would feel his life would have meaning and value if he 'rescued' me. I let him rescue me because I knew no one would genuinely want me either.

I just feel broken, discarded and unwanted.

I have been out today with my children and some friends. We spent a couple of hours with some other friends before coming home.

Yes, none of them are people I could turn to in a crisis because I'm in one now and I have no one to turn to.

[catrin]

Sadly, I always believed in 'the one'. I thought I had it and when my H behaved hideously and we ultimately split up, I was beyond devastated.

Since then, I have become bitter and cynical and generally hardened.

I have had relationships since - not looking to have anything permanent or serious at all and as such they end, because the men want more than I am able to give. I don't have anything left to give anymore. No time, no niceness, no space for another person. I believed I would be in love forever and that ended. I won't put my faith in the system again.