Exh rape trial

[iAmSiri]

I'll try to keep this a brief as possible but my ex is in court soon charged with 2 counts of rape and 1 charge of assault by penetration.
I doubt he'll plead guilty and so I'll probably have to give evidence.
I'm absolutely terrified and not sure I can do it. I suffer with bad anxiety attacks and I just know it's going to happen on the day.

[Happy36]

I saw this article in Wednesday´s Guardian and thought of you. www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/womens-blog/2015/jul/29/yes-there-is-such-a-thing-as-within-marriage

Good luck; we are all behind you and know you can do this.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Love and thoughts. You can do this. You're a brave courageous and inspirational lady

[iAmSiri]

UpTheChimney, thanks for that link. I'm going to have a good read of that blog.

[iAmSiri]

Thank you all. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your words. I'm trying so hard to put it all out of my mind. Being in this limbo is torture. I often wonder why I'm doing this to myself, but when I read your posts it makes me feel stronger.

I'm off to Wales tomorrow for a camping trip with the dc. It's not much but I'm really looking forward to some time away to just have fun with my gorgeous dc.

I will let you all know how things go with the court case. And once again thank you

[goddessofsmallthings]

If the Court date you've referred to is for a plea and case management hearing and a not guilty plea is entered, the case will be adjourned for trial and it could be many months before you are required to give evidence.

Please check with the police or an officer of the Court or any support worker you may have that this is the case as nothing will be gained from psyching yourself up to give evidence only to find that the hearing is for procedural matters and will not result in a trial on that date should he plead not guilty.

In the event that he pleads guilty the Court may order various reports andit's unlikely that sentence will be handed down immediately.

Do you have a support worker/liaison officer?

[everyonesfriend]

standing in court is scary but you know your telling the truth so that makes it a little easier, keep telling your self your telling the truth because you are

yr cunt of an exs legal team will be harsh to you and twist thing but , try not to get drawn in to all there guff just rember there job is to defend yr ex no matter what , just answer the questions as best you can
take as much time as you need to answer questions its not a race

do you have some thing small you can put in your hand and rub or squeeze if things get bit much it helped a friend of mine to have something to focus on she used a small shell

also go see your doctor they might give you something to take before court to keep yr nerves at bay friend had valum only few tablets to see her throu the court case which i can tell you she was believed

i belive you and am rooting for you stand calm and proud your a great person and oh so strong doing this

[UptheChimney]

BTW. from what you describe, you being asleep & with a sleeping pill or other medication, means that you were not in a position to give consent. Therefore, as I understand recent rulings, even though you did not say "No" in so many words, you did not give your consent. You couldn't have because you were asleep/not fully conscious.

Your exH assumed that because you were married he automatically had consent anytime. He assumed wrongly and committed a crime. It is against the law.

[UptheChimney]

Don't know if this will be helpful, but here's a blog post about marital rape, with some good research and a strong affirmative argument for someone in your situation. Knowledge is power. good luck!

toomuchtosayformyself.com/2015/07/27/more-about-marital-rape/

[larrybadler]

Hi Siri, if you contact your local SARC or Rape Crisis they might be able to put you in touch with an Independent Sexual Violence Advisor (ISVA) who will be able to support you through this whole process. They can usually go and do a pre trial visit with you so you can look at the court and decide how you would prefer to give your evidence and they will be able to support you on the day too. PM me if you can't find one in your area. Good luck.

[iAmSiri]

Thank you Mnhq, I didn't even think about that.

He's already been at magistrates and it has been referred straight to crown.

[notapizzaeater]

Good for you for pushing forwards. Yes it will be hard but it's for the best. ,people don't like talking bout things like this so don't worry if people aren't helping you, they probably don't know what to say. Good luck x

[SocialMediaAddict]

Good luck. Be brave.

[RandomMess]

Wishing you all the best

[goddessofsmallthings]

You've said he's 'due to give his plea' next month - is that in the Crown Court or is he due to appear again in front of the Magistrates'?

In the event that you are required to give evidence, has provision been made for a screen to be erected so that you won't see him when you are in the witness box?

With regard to your anxiety, I suggest you ask your GP for beta-blockers and take one before the day in case they disagree with you.

You may not have any rl support from friends/family in rl but you'll find no shortage of it here

[IonaMumsnet]

Hi there OP,
We believe you. Best of luck with the trial. We hope all goes as well for you as these things can. We just wanted to let you know that we have edited a couple of details out of your OP. We didn't want to risk prejudicing the trial in any way and causing any trouble for you. Hope you don't mind. Do come back and let us know how it goes. We'll be thinking of you.

[iAmSiri]

Thank you. I feel a little calmer after reading your responses.

[EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard]

Siri, remember that with it going to court you already have people who know your whole situation who believe you.

You have support in RL from your rape crisis contacts. Your ex has been charged.

You just need to be brave and to be clear, you hadn't given consent. That is rape.

Tell the court that you had taken strong sleeping tablets and were woken by the sexual act to which you hadn't consented or even been fit to give consent.

There is recent case history of a footballer being jailed because the jury agreed that the woman he had sex with had been too drunk to give her consent. Two appeals failed.
Juries don't all have the same attitude, don't let some idiot's views affect you.

[HirplesWithHaggis]

You're very brave, Siri, and we believe you.

Please don't worry about the jury not believing you. I sat on a jury in an assault case last year, and although the victim (and his main witness) quite obviously lied through their teeth about some matters, the accused was still found guilty. Obviously I'm not allowed to disclose what went on in the jury room, but we were just a random bunch of people who looked closely at the evidence, discussed it thoroughly, and came to our conclusion, with due direction from a fabulous judge. Yours will be the same.

There may even be an MNer, or another rape victim, on your jury, who will put to bed the myth that it wasn't rape because you didn't say no. He made sure you were drugged, and he filmed himself assaulting you. Sounds like plenty of evidence to me.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

[iAmSiri]

I don't really have any rl support. I'm better on my own though. My support worker from rape crisis will come to court with me.

[ancientbuchanan]

The judge will be very clear about what constitutes rape and what doesn't, what level of evidence the jury needs. They will have the law explained.

Be brave, for your own sake and for others, you can do it. And whatever the outcome, you will have made a difference. We are holding your hand in a sisterly manner.

It sounds awful, do do you gave RL friends and also think about going to the gp yo gave counselling afterwards.

Thinking if you

[Notasinglefuckwasgiven]

You can do this! Keep in mind you have NOTHING to be embarrassed by. He does. You have nothing to fear. He does. He was wrong. You have done the right thing.
As for panic, don't fear it. It's a completely normal reaction to what you've been through. Any jury would see that! Be strong. By getting this far you've already started fighting. This is the end in sight.
We are rooting for you.

[Happy36]

Is there a friend or relative who will go with you to the court? Good luck - as the others have said already, you CAN do this.