My marriage is over but he's still here..

[Stuckandneedsomedirection]

I have name-changed for this but I've been around for a long time. Back story is..

I have been with H for 9 years and married for 7. DS is 7. We haven't had any affection in 4 years and by that I mean no sex, no cuddles, no hand holding, no kissing, no nothing. Our marriage is over but, until last Christmas, I didn't feel strong enough emotionally or financially to go it alone.

I told him a couple of weeks before Christmas that I wanted to separate and, while he was very upset, this seemed more about how DS would cope, how his parents would react, where he would live (the house is mine) and what he would drive (the car is my company car). There was no mention of me, how he loved me, couldn't be without me etc which made me realise that he felt the same about our marriage. Subsequent conversations were better and he accepts the marriage is over.

But he's still here, living with us. He asked for six months to enable to him to save some money and we also stopped pooling our money so that he could save (he brings home 4-500 more than me a month). Also, I've been paying all the household bills (mortgage, gas, electric, sky, water, council tax) for the last two months to enable him to save even more. The cost of the car is also deducted from my wages so he's not contributing to that either. He pays half the food/fuel, half of our couple of remaining direct debits and half of DS's stuff. I can afford it (and will have to when he leaves anyway) so it's not a massive problem but I am starting to feel bitter about it.. He has a huge debt repayment each month and says this will affect his ability to afford a flat but he CAN get the monthly amount reduced so I don't really buy that one.

The problem is that one of his parents has been very ill and it was touch and go whether they would survive for a while. He absolutely refused to do anything about moving until they were better and I just let it carry on as I was upset too. But it looks like they are going to be OK now and I want to get things moving as I want to start moving on with my life.

Reading this back, I realise I sound like a prize mug but it's really not been like that. I genuinely don't want to hurt him as he's a lovely bloke, a great dad, looks after me and DS by cooking etc (although can't see obvious things that need doing around the house which is annoying) and it's been an awful time for us. DS was ill and hospitalised recently too which didn't help.

If I mention him moving out he either rares up at me and makes me feel shit or he gets upset and makes me feel shit. But I'm really unhappy now and want to reclaim my life - how do I go about it? I cannot just confront him and tell him to leave as I don't want to upset him, but I need a strategy (almost to make it seem like it's his idea) to get him looking for flats to rent before I end up hating him and yelling at him to just leave.

What do I do and how do I do it? Anyone been in this situation?

[firesidechat]

The op needs to see a professional who will most likely tell her the same thing.

[firesidechat]

Janette, see above post:

The matrimonial home usually has a central place in the marriage and so in
most cases will be treated as matrimonial property, even if it was originally
brought into the marriage by one spouse alone.

If they have lived in it as a family it is most probably a marital asset.

[Janette123]

Stuckandneedsomedirection,
I believe that if the house is yours and you bought it before you were married then it doesn't count as an asset of the marriage. However, you'll need to check this with a solicitor. If it is yours then there is no reason why you can't ask him to leave.

Sorry you are having to deal with this.

[Stuckandneedsomedirection]

Cut that one off at the pass and said I'd pay half the spends

Just feel a massive sense of relief now. Onwards and upwards.

[Momzilla82]

Well done OP. Onwards and upwards. Still need to get a lawyer and then freedom is coming soon. for courage

[Stuckandneedsomedirection]

Done it. And he agreed with and accepted everything. All of it.

We ave a family holiday in mid-August was pre-booked and when we get back from that he's going to find somewhere and move out. He's also said he's got all the holiday spends sorted

It was very civil and I used words and phrases from this thread so thank you. Massive massive relief and I feel much better now.

[AcrossthePond55]

I think Gerti's words are perfect!

Stuck unless his first words are 'yes, you are right' just tune him out and, as Gerti said, rinse and repeat as many times as needed. Don't be sidetracked into addressing his 'but this' or 'what about that'. It is not your concern.

[Stuckandneedsomedirection]

GERTI thank you

Am getting anxious now. Your words really help.

[wannabestressfree]

Good luck.....

[Jan45]

He wont do a thing unless you get tough, you will be in the status quo this time next year.

He could get a room in a shared flat or house pretty cheap tbh, including all bills.

Also from what you say, he's basically sponging off you right now, doesn't sound like he has any intention of going anywhere.

Legal advice is a must now.

[Stuckandneedsomedirection]

OK I have hoicked up my big girl pants and am going to broach the subject tonight. Just to see how the land lies and where he thinks we're at. Although I know the answer will be to leave the situation as it is as its easier for all. But easy isn't always best. Or right.

Thanks for all your comments and advice.

[firesidechat]

I looked up that link sykadelic and it said this:

The matrimonial home usually has a central place in the marriage and so in
most cases will be treated as matrimonial property, even if it was originally
brought into the marriage by one spouse alone.

It looks like the marital home is a marital asset, which is what I've always been lead to believe.

[sykadelic]

Bitter See here: www.fishermeredith.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Matrimonial-and-Non-Matrimonial-Assets2.pdf

"If the assets were brought into the marriage by one spouse only, they are often referred to as non-matrimonial property, for example:
•An existing house or flat
•A family farm
•Shares in a family business
•Inheritance
•A gift received during the marriage"

There are several other examples online which state the same thing. The main issue though is "need" and need always trumps "fairness".

Either way, a lawyer is the way forward. You don't need to be mean or see him short to play hard ball. You've been very fair already.

Best of luck OP :)

[Stuckandneedsomedirection]

Thanks for all your comments. It was my house before he moved in but I understand it could be deemed as a marital asset. I definitely plan to speak to a lawyer to find where I stand.

I think asset wise (excluding the house), we're about the same. Both have final salary schemes and life cover. There's about £10k in the house and I'd be happy to give him some money to leave. As well as what he's managed to save while I've been paying all the bills

I need to woman up and just have it out with him calmly and rationally. He's DS's dad (and a great dad) so I'd never see him short but he needs to realise that he can get a nice flat, still have Sky Sports and have a life without me running it for him.

Thank you all, you've given me lots to think about. I'm starting some counselling on Tuesday to help me manage the situation as I could feel myself slipping and didn't want to end up back on ADs.

[pocketsaviour]

Sykadelic's use of "attorney" makes me think s/he may be posting from the US, where marital asset laws are somewhat different.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Sykadelic, your understanding is not correct. The house, regardless of who originally owned it or for how long before marriage, is now an asset of the marriage and he now co-owns half of it. In reality he might be persuaded agree to piss off with a couple of grand in his pocket to fund his onward move BUT (huge but) this needs for be formally agreed IN WRITING so he can't come back in ten year's time and claim more.

If a marriage is not a pooling of all assets then what is it?

[sykadelic]

Definitely speak to an attorney. It is my understanding that if you bought the house prior to marriage and it wasn't purchased with the intent to be the "family home" then it's not a marital asset but he may have a claim on some of the equity built during the marriage.

Being nice is all well and good, but you've "been nice" for 7 months now and it's not working, so it's time to play hard ball.

[newstart15]

Do you have much equity in the house, could you buy him out? You need to consider all the assets, pensions, house etc and work out something that means the split is equitable.This is the best approach to a 'fair' settlement that will enable you to both move on.

Have you agreed how childcare will be handled when you separate?

I would ask him for a good time to go through the separation details and then take it from there.

[truthaboutlove]

Ideally he would leave willingly (eventually.) But if he won't, you might need to wait for divorce. Or even more drastic action as I was forced to take.