I am being EA in this situation?

[ItOccurredToMe]

I don't fully understand EA to be honest. It seems that it can be interpreted in different ways, and so I'm not sure if I am being EA in one aspect.

I read somewhere that withholding sex to show displeasure of a partner is a sign of EA. But my DH comes home from work, tired and hungry, and only wants to sit and eat in front of the TV until bedtime.

Thats cool, I know that everyone needs to wind down, and I used to need my own time for a while when I was working the same hours as him. I don't mind that.

But what I do mind is how that he reacts if I try to talk to him about necessities. For example. last night I mentioned our DC's emotional reaction to something, so that DH would be aware of it in the following days, and could handle it in the best possible way with all the information available to him.

I also asked if he'd picked up my phone (he does that a lot, as they look alike), and whether he's expecting to sleep in tomorrow (we take it in turns to do the school run when he's got a day off).

He reacted with a huge sigh and flinging his arms dramatically on the wall, as though he was being spread-eagled for a police search or something! He was doing a visible but silent groan as he looked up to the ceiling. I could hear in his tone of voice that he didn't want to have any communication. He has always said he doesn't want to talk when he's going to bed as he's too tired.

But once in bed, this "too tired" person wants to play on the ipad, or when I come to bed, have sex. Anything but talk. Even if it's about everyday things and not deep and meaningful heart-to-hearts.

I don't want to have sex with someone who won't communicate with me properly. So I am not sure if I am being EA?

[badtime]

OP, the mistake you are making is that when you hear that nobody and no relationship is perfect, you then think that means that it is all terrible and you should put up with any old shit because you won't get anything better.

A relationship cannot be perfect, but it can be pretty bloody good.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

ItOccured this sounds very much like my ex. When I explained that I needed him to be nice to me in order to want sex with him he also used to say that if I had sex with him more often maybe he'd be nicer to me. Like I should just spread my legs for someone who had just been horrible to me on the off chance he might treat me better tomorrow

Funnily enough my current DP has no problem getting all the sex he can possibly handle, as he is wonderful, kind, generous and generally makes me feel loved and special. My 'cold and frigid' ways seem to have disappeared as quickly as my XH did!

I'm not rubbing it in, but like the happily ever after thread, just want to say that sometimes relationships can be wonderful! It's not all plain sailing, we've had our moments, but the small blips are all the more noticeable for being in amongst some truly wonderful times.

Also the EA thing is a bit irrelevant. I also questioned whether it was partly my problem, that my oversensitivity to his 'jokes' was partly to blame, or that when I tried to talk and got no response (which in turn made me more and more irate) I should have respected him more and not tried to force him to talk to me. I even hit him once when he was laughing at me for being so pathetic - of course it didn't hurt him at all and he just laughed even more, but it gave him a perfect excuse to say that I was the abusive one . While it's not something I condone or am proud of, it shows that we both brought out the worst in each other.

In the end, it really didn't matter if either of us was EA. The point is, I wasn't happy and actually neither was he. The label didn't make a difference (and the divorce took so long to sort out that I changed it from 'irreconcilable differences/unreasonable behaviour' to just being separated for 2 years, as I couldn't be arsed to go over all the unreasonable things he did once I was out of the situation.

Now I'm with my lovely DP I really wish I'd left my miserable marriage years ago. Being on my own was so liberating and meeting someone new has added so much to my already happy life. It's been 3 years, so not a long time, but long enough for the honeymoon to have worn off if that were relevant. We also both have DCs so there is plenty of stress, being single parents in a step-situation. Even in with all of that, we manage to be so nice and loving to each other that we really do feel blessed. I dread to think what sort of state I'd be in now if I'd listened to ex blaming me for all that was wrong in our relationship and carried on trying to do better, be better.

[springydaffs]

Probably bcs op doesn't realise how significant it is. It's a DEALBREAKER op

[AnyFucker]

yes, that was certainly a rather salient point to miss out of the op

[springydaffs]

*wasting your time with this loser.

[springydaffs]

Bloody hell, op, he's an alcoholic! You don't even have a relationship if he's an alcoholic - bcs he is already fully committed - to the booze.

Read up about relationships with alcoholics/addicts.

You've obviously never seen a healthy relationship, which is why your standards are so low. Yes, ppl can get a bit complacent over time in relationships but the bedrock of love and respect remain. Your H shows neither.

You're saying your time with this loser.

[AnyFucker]

OP, have you seen the "happy ever after" thread ?

Most people don't post on boards like this when things are good, relationships are settled and respectful. But that thread tells you that you should be able to expect to not be grateful for every crumb of kindness

You get a skewed perception on a support website, like you do in RL. Outwardly, everyone presents the image they want to present....like your friend thought you had the perfect partnership with this verbally abusive man who is a poor example to his boys (not the good father you think he is)

[ItOccurredToMe]

A small part of me fears for my Boys, it's true. Partly that they'll be as sad as I am I and when he treats them like he treats me, and secondly because I don't want them modelling themselves on him.

My dear 5 year old is so generous hearted though. He makes it his Haines to do the sweeping every night after we eat, just so I can rest. Nobody asked him to, I may have made the casual comment that it's not all woman's work, in the hope that I can teach them a different way, but whatever the reason, he's not following his Dad there.

I find it so hard to believe anyone's really happy because I never have been fully. Not once things settled down anyway. I've had so many people talk about the Hollywood dream and reality, as though the romantic idea of happily ever after is unattainable. So I assumed it honestly is.

[0x530x610x750x630x79]

i have been married 20 years, so not in the first throws of love, we are still polite, still talk to each other lots, still love each other loads, have very little sex.

[AnImpalaCalledBABY]

I am stunned that you seem to believe that this is normal behaviour that you have to put up with. Do you really think all of us are unhappy in our relationships? Because I promise you it's not normal at all to be treated so badly and to be so unhappy. Don't you want better for your dc?

My DH has never once in all our years together behaved as badly as your DH does in one night, he actively tries every day to make me feel happy and loved (as I do for him)

If you don't want to have sex with someone who is treating you badly that is a good thing, it is in no way EA. If he needs sex to treat you with respect then he is the one being abusive, respect has to be there before sex for everyone

[OneDayWhenIGrowUp]

I think just because bad or unhealthy relationships might be common amongst people you know, does not make them "normal" or something that you should accept yourself if you don't want to. Like someone else said read the sticky post at the top of the board!

A relationship where both parties are kind, caring and respectful is not some naive pipedream of perfection- it's a bare minimum that you should expect.

I agree that things are more complicated when children are involved, but for the opposite reasoning to you. When you are a parent you are modelling what your child learns about adult relationships- your boys are growing up learning from you and your husband how people should treat each other, and what is acceptable in a relationship.

[badtime]

Actually, just read the OP in the 'listen up everybody' post stickied at the top of the Relationships board.

[badtime]

I am 40. I have had bad relationships in the past, and I know the 'settling down' of which you speak, basically when one or both partners stops 'being on their best behaviour' (i.e. pretending to be nice).

However, in my experience, if you start off with someone who genuinely isn't an arsehole, they don't magically transform into an arsehole after a couple of years. It may not work out, but there are many reasons for that, even when all parties behave beautifully.

[ItOccurredToMe]

With all my heart I wish I could see what you can see, but I find myself saying you must be in the early stages of your relationship, before it settles down into the same as everyone else.

[badtime]

No, it is not always the same behind closed doors. I actually feel very distressed reading your comments, as it is clear that you have such low expectations, and seem not even to realise how low your expectations are.

[ItOccurredToMe]

Onedaywhenigrowup - I agree I am way off the mark, but I clicked on an EA article posted by someone on Facebook and read it there.

I've always found it easier to doubt myself rather than believe myself. I suppose it feels like I have some control over be outcome f it's my fault, because then I can change. If it's someone else's fault then I powerless over their change, and have to choose whether I stay of go. And that's a really hard choice when there are kids involved and the crimes aren't extreme in anyway. They could even just be part and parcel of normal relationships

[ItOccurredToMe]

Badtime, everyone I know admits there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but they do appear on the face of it to have a more supportive relationship than us.

Having said that, I confided in a close friend who was gobsmacked, as she thought we were the perfect couple

So if SHE thought that about US, I reasoned to myself that everyone must be the same behind closed doors and you can't always tell how real the love is.

[OneDayWhenIGrowUp]

Is "withholding sex without mutual agreement" emotional abuse? Where have you read that? It seems completely back to front. You HAVE sex by mutual agreement, because both parties want to, not because they have to/feel forced to placate the other person.

If one person doesn't want to have sex, for any reason whatsoever, then you don't have sex. Simple as. No one owes anyone sex. Ever:

OP your boundaries sound way off lovely.

[ItOccurredToMe]

Anyfucker, my brother agreed with our Aunt because he feels he gives more in his relationship than his wife does. But my brother isn't a man-pleaser, So I don't understand why he would say he agrees?

I suppose I have resigned myself to it because nobody is perfect and sometimes better the devil you know, especially when my boys are besotted with their Dad and would be devastated to lose him. I know kids get over it, but there doesn't seem to be a good enough reason to flounce off like I was single.

[badtime]

OP, does everyone in your family have terrible relationships?

You do know that lots of people have relationships where both partners respect each other and help each other and treat each other with kindness, don't you?

[ItOccurredToMe]

euphema, I am like you. I find it somewhere deep inside to give just a bit more, but he's just not like that.

Badtime, I think it's because I'm finding it hard to discern whether telling him what he's like is EA (constantly reminding of faults) and not wanting sex when I don't feel close to him (withholding sex without mutual agreement) are documented EA traits, it worried me that by doing those things, I was unwittingly being EA.

[AnyFucker]

Your aunt sounds like a ridiculous manpleaser

[AnyFucker]

oops, double post

[AnyFucker]

Bloody hell...you mean you have signed yourself up for a life sentence of this ?

I feel sorry for you

[AnyFucker]

Bloody hell...you mean you have signed yourself up for a life sentence of this ?

I feel sorry for you