Please help me leave him without trashing my life

[somanyflowers]

I need to get myself out of a really bad situation. I was completely naive and started seeing a married man who I thought was separated from his wife. When I first met him I thought he was in the process of leaving. He told me they had separate rooms, no intimacy or real relationship. As the months have gone on I've realised that although this may be true, he is still in a relationship with her, he has no intention of leaving but of course is quite happy to carry on seeing me as well.
I admit I was really really naive and I've done a really stupid thing and got involved because I really liked him and we get on so well.
His wife doesn't deserve to be lied to. I told him how upsetting this is for me, that he needs to sort things out either way with his wife and he's said he can't deal with my current mood so that may mean no further contact.
I know this is wrong but I liked him so much and I'm so upset. I can't seem to deal with myself. What's wrong with me?
How do I move on? Say what you like, I probably deserve it.

[InTheBox]

Yes to never doing the 'pick me dance' but it sounds as though you are resolute.
I strongly second going completely NC, men like him will usually try and hoover you back in with various lies, half-truths and revelations. They all amount to nothing.

Take heart that you're not the first and unfortunately you won't be the last. I also agree that experiences like these do leave us with a stronger armour.

Whether or not you tell his wife is up to you, it's a subject that always draws a mixed response on this board but do as you see fit but don't do anything in a fit or rage.

[butterflygirl15]

You are still communicating with him? The only way to deal with this is to have nothing to do with him at all.

[somanyflowers]

No, I won't tell his wife. I'll leave that to the next woman.
He's asked if we can meet up but I've not replied.
He really feels no guilt, it's unbelievable considering how much he says he cares about his children.

[somanyflowers]

You're right about him getting cross. He has just sent some more annoyed messages. He really hasn't thought this through.

[BerylStreep]

Why haven't you blocked him?

[butterflygirl15]

And why are you responding to him? You need to disengage from this drama and fast. It is just ridiculous.

His poor wife.

[Lweji]

I think at this point I would reply to him to leave me alone or I'd tell his wife everything, or/and go to the police for harassment.

[viridus]

He is doing this to wear you down so that you give in. It is a common abusive tactic. He is doing this because he thinks he can manipulate you, it is an easier option than finding another woman. If he finds another woman he has to wine and dine her which will take time, so in order to save himself the work, and while he thinks you will give in he is trying to see if you will give in. It's very calculated, and organised behaviour, which he likes doing, and which he has done before with other women.
He knows that you haven't blocked him, so he thinks he has a chance.
If I was in your shoes I would, text him to say do not contact me, and keep this as evidence. Then if he does, ring 101 and report and log him for harassment. You can also contact I think NCDV to issue a non-molestation order. You have to nip this in the bud, before it gets worse.
He is a very nasty man.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

You do need to block him, before you're tempted to reply. Block him on your phone, any messaging systems, and your FB. Cut him off! He's not going to say anything worth hearing now anyway, so you've no need to accept his bilge.

There may be some point in sending on e last message if you haven't already done so, saying "Do not contact me again or I will view it as harassment" - and then if you get anything more after that, take it to the Police.

[somanyflowers]

I'm going to look at how I block him now. I can see how manipulative he is. I can see what's happening and how he drip feeds and blames be by saying he was truthful about his situation which actually he wasn't really in the beginning until I was sucked in.

[somanyflowers]

I definitely need to cut him off now. I feel broken by this this morning and unable to do anything but cry.

[viridus]

I think I read in your earlier post, that he said you were " strong", as if to imply that you are ok to be a mistress. This is why it is a good idea that you write down as much as you can about the relationship, what he said and how it made you feel at the time. He sounds like the Headworker from Lundy Bancroft. They are very adept at dumping their guilt for what they are doing onto the victim.
It may sound extreme but I would go to the Police, because these Abusers don't give up until the Police are involved. I think there is more understanding of DA now and Police are getting trained, but some women are still having some negative responses from professionals, so it is important that you ask the Police for someone who deals with DA.
Also contact Women's Aid.
His wife may know and approve of the arrangement, she may know nothing.
What is important here is that you remove yourself and your child out of danger.

[viridus]

Just read your last post. I understand how distressing it is, I have been there. Be brave and cut him off, you can get through this.
Take one day at a time.

[BerylStreep]

Have you blocked him yet? Don't get into discussion about blame and whether he was truthful or not when you met. It is irrelevant now.

See how things go once you have blocked him. If he escalates it, then I would suggest you think about reporting him for harassment.

Have you got the Lundy Bancroft book? I haven't read it, but lots of people on here seem to rate it.

[imjustahead]

it's not going anywhere op, someone said that to me and i totally ignored it because i wanted to be wanted, and that feeling overtook my sense and my dignity.

How dare he say you're the strong one, what a wanker. Start seeing him as a twat, and think how much better you can do without this in your life.