Please help me leave him without trashing my life

[somanyflowers]

I need to get myself out of a really bad situation. I was completely naive and started seeing a married man who I thought was separated from his wife. When I first met him I thought he was in the process of leaving. He told me they had separate rooms, no intimacy or real relationship. As the months have gone on I've realised that although this may be true, he is still in a relationship with her, he has no intention of leaving but of course is quite happy to carry on seeing me as well.
I admit I was really really naive and I've done a really stupid thing and got involved because I really liked him and we get on so well.
His wife doesn't deserve to be lied to. I told him how upsetting this is for me, that he needs to sort things out either way with his wife and he's said he can't deal with my current mood so that may mean no further contact.
I know this is wrong but I liked him so much and I'm so upset. I can't seem to deal with myself. What's wrong with me?
How do I move on? Say what you like, I probably deserve it.

[somanyflowers]

Thanks for the support.
He said he couldn't be sure what would happen in the future. That's just an excuse. You know what's going to happen in the future to your marriage because you make a decision.
Now I see it is very different to when my ex husband had an affair because at least he did something about it and didn't try and keep up the double life. He is such a shit to not sort anything out with his wife.

[viridus]

So many flowers, you sound much more decisive now, that's great. You seem to have gone through a stressful time too, with your own marriage.

Oh the "not knowing what will happen in the future" thing. Well he is not interested in the future only the "now". He seems to be looking to get fun now, and what he can get away with. I guess he has an answer for everything. I bet he would sh*t himself, if you said you are ringing his wife to make an appointment with her.

It would be awful if he carries on like this, and then leave his wife after 20 years, I hope she finds out what he is like soon.

It's good you are finding out what he is really like now. I bet you don't need someone like this in your life.

[somanyflowers]

Yes, I've gone through a lot in life and very easily manipulated which is how I got in to this situation.
I feel much much stronger for reading all the responses on here. To actually read what he is helps.
Things came to a head when I asked him what he would do on their anniversary and he said he'd give a card and that's when the penny dropped for me. I couldn't get my head around him celebrating their marriage whilst being unfaithful. If their marriage is acceptable enough to acknowledge their anniversary how can an affair be justified?

[viridus]

I think what people don't realise is that if one is an "other woman", or mistress, is that one never gets to experience the freedom to get to know the man. Everything is hidden, secret and rushed, it's not a pleasant experience. It is immoral, and unworkable.
Personally I do not think you are easily manipulated, because you are asking questions, and gaining insight. After your stressful experiences it is natural that your confidence has taken a dive.
Is that all he is doing, giving a card?! What a cheapskate. You are right, what kind of man is he to be presenting a loving husband facade, while wanting an affair. He is departmentalising, and able to himself to justify his actions.
Don't waste any more time on this cold fish. Make this time your time, and start looking after you. Summer is a good time to start to spread your wings.

[oabiti]

Hope you manage to make the break, op, for everyone's sake.

[somanyflowers]

I'm sure I do sound really stupid and I'm sure people don't believe I have been so naive but I really didn't get what was going on for a while. I was stupid enough to think that affairs just happened not that people actively sought them.
Now I look back and realise how well thought through some of his actions were and how he has has hidden things.
I've been given the typical story of the unloving wife, can't leave her with the children as they will suffer.
He has definitely decompartmentalised this as he said he doesn't feel guilty as his wife is so awful. I'd be very interested to know if she really is.
I can't understand how he can so easily do this.
Yes, you're right. I'm just being used for now.
I do now wish his wife knew just what he's like.
You're very right. You don't actually get to know the real man as the OW, you just get to know a man who is capable of being unfaithful and deceitful.
He said he feels bad that he's caused me so much upset.
I don't think he has any idea of the upset that could follow.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Another philandering twunt with a pyscho bitch dw who doesn't understand him and they haven't had sex in donkeys' years but he has to stay under the same roof as her for the sake of the children. How noble of him.

These serial adulterers work to a script and you featured in his play because your vulnerability following the break up of your own marriage made you an easy mark.

In cases such as this I am firmly of the belief that the dw should be told and I reckon you can redeem yourself by way of writing to her saying that you unwittingly embarked on an affair with her h because he told you what you have now come to believe is a pack of lies about the state of their marriage and that you are extremely sorry for any upset this knowledge causes her.

If it hasn't happened already, there's a statistically good chance that an ow will post on these boards at the same time as the dw who is wondering why her h appears to have checked out of their marriage and is being secretive with his phone.

[somanyflowers]

Yes, he really is that script and yes, being in a vulnerable state I got sucked in to the attraction and chemistry.
I am in no doubt he will now look for someone else. Everything he has done is so calculated and because of that I do wish his wife would find out.
When my ex husband had an affair it was with a colleague and I almost knew it would happen because of the circumstances and he was in no way a pro at it so I very quickly found out from his bank account and phone.
This man is very careful with messages, phone calls, when he sees me and I didn't get it but the message system he uses. I'm not very technical so didn't pick up on this for a while as to why he didn't use Whatsapp to message me when everyone else does.

[somanyflowers]

I think if I hadn't recent stumbled across Mumsnet I would now still be utterly reeled in by him. It's a shame if his wife doesn't read it to learn as much too.

[Lweji]

The wife may or may not appreciate being told, and may even not believe you, but I also think you should tell her.
She is at risk of an sti and of finding out and being fed lies upon lies.
If you tell her, be prepared to be ignored or attacked, though.

[somanyflowers]

You're right. Now I'm gradually seeing the light I'm also realising just how awful he is to her. I'm now angry that he thinks he can treat everyone like this. However she is she deserves to know what state her marriage is in. I think I should have been more honest in my thread title because I really am struggling to deal with this and obviously have relationship self esteem issues and am at risk of having my life takes trashed if I cave in to this man again.
He said it's okay for me I'm a strong person but his wife isn't and she won't manage alone but actually I'm beginning to wonder if actually she would and she'd be better off without a cheating calculated husband.
I've had some awful sleepless nights over realising what's going on and it's really taken its toll on me in so many ways which I deserve. He's just playing happy families with his seemingly happy life, lovely house, great job, super cars, luxury holiday they're going on whilst others of us face the reality and get on with life as a single parent.
Ranting on here is keeping me going or I might cave in.

[Tryharder]

I have been in your position.

I told the DW.

It is one of my biggest regrets.

DO NOT tell the wife. What if she were ill or depressed and killed herself? You have no idea of the possible consequences or fallout.

You would be playing with fire.

Morally she has a right to know but it's not your place to tell her.

[tribpot]

If she's quite as fragile as he makes out, perhaps he needed to take better care of her feelings than by having an affair?

I suspect this comment is aimed at guilting you into not telling her what happened, i.e. poor wife won't be able to take it, it will just be a cruelty. Bollocks. If he doesn't leave you alone tell him you'll tell her yourself. That should get him to cease and desist.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I feel for you - lying husbands suck! I had a boyfriend once who had actually left his wife, but he was a serial cheater (as I found out very quickly, luckily for me!)

But yes, as others are saying, now your eyes have been opened into the sort of lowlife pondscum you are dealing with, your only response now is to block and delete. Have nothing more to do with him. And while I appreciate your feelings with respect to his wife, in that she should know what she's married to, it is not your place nor responsibility to tell her.

You've already made one mistake getting involved with this man as a result of projecting your own circumstances onto his marriage - do not assume that she would be relieve or grateful to know, as you were, because she is not you. Their marriage is not the same as yours was. Leave it well alone now.

[somanyflowers]

Thanks. Yes, I can see I'm not the person who should tell her.

[Penfold007]

I think you need to stop minimizing your role in this sordid affair. You knew he was married from the outset and that you are the OW. You also are very aware of how much pain an unfaithful partner causes.
He's called a halt to the affair move on and find someone who is free to have a relationship.

[viridus]

It is good that you are seeing things more clearly. It would be a good idea to write the whole experience down. It is both catarthic and revealing, and you will begin to see how you were caught up and why. I do not believe in you "redeeming" yourself, because at the time you were vulnerable, and he is the one who behaved wrongly, and immorrally. He is the one who made his marriage vows, chose to ignore them, and crossed your boundary lines. He is now being abusive by continuing the lies, and by coercing you to stay, so further eroding any boundaries that you have, and forcing you to become emotionally dependent on him.
However, now that you are beginning to see him for who he is, and are realising what is happening you now can be proactive, and begin to take control of your life.
In my case I told his wife, because when I realised what was going on I thought she should know what he was like. He was also harassing me at the time too.
Now I am not sure if this would be the right thing to do. There are threads on here where some people advocate that they like being married, know about affairs, yet do not want to talk about it. They seem to "accept" that. I find this very strange.
It is good that you can move on, and get out of this situation, as it can cause you a lot of stress. After you have got away, you will begin to see it more clearly too.

[somanyflowers]

Thanks, I'm taking it all on board. I do need to move on, to face the days ahead and free myself. You've been a real help. I must do this.

[viridus]

Somanyflowers, hope it goes well for you. Experiences like this help us to be stronger, and develop assertiveness skills.
He knew what he was doing. Watch out that he could turn nasty, or/and try and persuade you to continue.
Mine threatened suicide, and putting nasty letters through my door. Back in those days harassment was not taken seriously, so it was difficult. Today he would have been dealt with much quicker, and would have realised that because he was married he should never have tried to take advantage of me, and approached me in the first place.

[somanyflowers]

viridus, you are very wise and have been of real help.
I write down all the reasons not to see him and all my positives.
I'm single, have a lovely independent child, own my own home, have a great job, attractive and otherwise good personality. Really, every reason to meet an available man and not a married man.

[somanyflowers]

Your experience sounds horrendous. That would really put me off, unfortunately, this man is very reasonable at times which I think makes me not give up. Yup, I know I'm pretty screwed up.

[viridus]

I have my own home too, and am a single mum, and have always been independent. This man (years ago it happened) had a good job, clever etc. The craziness came about when I tried to leave him. It was only after I got away I realised I had been manipulated, like the frog in the pan.
If these men had any sense they would set their house in order first before dating. Therefore you can only expect crazy behaviour, and crazy talk from them.
The experience has made me more assertive, and I have learned a lot from it. It has made me aware of the amount of abusive relationships that are about, and I try and speak up if I think it would help, as abuse thrives in silence.
Anyway, hope all goes well for you, and that you find your way through this.

[somanyflowers]

Thanks for sharing your experience. It helps to know I'm not the only one.

[BerylStreep]

'Your current mood' is because you have realised he is lying to you and two timing you with his wife.

'that may mean no further contact' is him making threats for you to STFU.

Don't play the waiting game for him to choose you. You're better than that - waiting to see if you are first or second best.

Cut off contact. If he persists with contact, tell his wife. Spend some time on your own getting over this and building up your damaged self esteem.

[somanyflowers]

I'm going to do that. I'm going to cry this out and get through this. I do deserve better (and so does his wife).
He had said he would possibly be separated in 5 to 10 years. FFS why didn't I understand what that meant.