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Relationships

DH says he wants to seperate. I feel bereft but what now

33 replies

fuckingfuckfuck · 06/07/2015 10:16

DH has said he wants to separate and then divorce. I've been so upset and angry but now I feel quite numb.

We'd been having counselling as I felt things could be better. He was happy to come along but I always contributed more. We both agreed it was needed. I've felt like I've had more 'issues' that him that have affected our relationship as well as my life as a whole. I thought communication could be better among other things. Ive worried I thought unnecessarily we'd get divorced for whatever reason. Turned out I was chronically insecure and we left the counselling with him assuring me that I was loved,and secure. Seems I was right to feel worried paranoi and insecure.

He said everything finally made sense the other day. It all came to him in an instant. He's been down and unhappy and happier when he's with other people (which is a lot, we spend a lot of time doing our own thing). He says he has thought about life with other people and imagines himself happier but has never cheated and I believe him. He says he feels loneliest when he's with me. I can't bring myself to say what he said about our sex life. He says he's been lying to himselfpossibly for years. He now thinks he just went with what was easier ,us staying together when we met, moving in together, marrying. He's been lying to himself and me.

I'm so sad I've been the source of such unhappiness for him. He's never felt able to say all this, he says because he just didn't understand it himself.

I'm also really angry - it's a waste of 7 years. I'm in my mid thirties. I don't have family that cares about me. I wanted a family with him. We don't have DC

But in hindsight I should have seen it all,the unhappiness, him being cold and distant. I don't have a great sense of what a good relationship IS though, so I guess I've never known.

I don't know what to do next. We're just over a week away from moving into a new house in a new town, neither of us can afford it on our own and its a two year lease.

I don't know where to begin really and I'm not sure what the point of this post is really.

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mommyof23kids · 08/07/2015 17:57

I'm not sure he's cheating and what difference does it make anyway. He's really jerked you around on this and you should be very angry with him. Honestly the way he's gone about this is so very hurtful. Get angry and go see a solicitor to see what your next move should be.

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goddessofsmallthings · 08/07/2015 18:13

If your local CAB is comparable to mine it may not be possible to get an appointment for some weeks and any legal advice given will be dependent on whichever solicitor happens to have volunteered on the day.

You're best advised to make appointments with 2 or 3 solicitors who specialise in divorce and who offer free initial consultations lasting half an hour or so with a view to instructing the one you most feel at ease with/believe will represent your interests most effectively.

If the sum total of your debts are more than your savings I would suggest you keep it that way and look to buy after the Absolute has been granted.

As the marital home is rented and you have no dc, divorce should be straightforward and you should be in a position to regard 2016 as being a a completely new start.

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AcrossthePond55 · 08/07/2015 19:25

I've said it before, but I don't think it matters one jot right now whether or not there's an OW. You can't do anything about it if there is so why waste 'headspace' thinking about it? All that matters right now is that he wants to end the relationship. Try to put the 'why' aside for now and deal with what you can do something about.

Find out about the tenancy agreement immediately. Unless you are specifically advised otherwise by CAB (or a solicitor) I think I'd find myself a place to go and tell him 'Look, you're the one who wanted out and didn't tell me right away. You're the one who went ahead and had us sign the agreement knowing all the while you really weren't interested in saving this marriage. I'm not moving to the new place and YOU will need to sort this out for yourself'. You'd probably have to 'write off' any deposits or whatever you've paid, but imho it would be well worth it! The idea of 'setting up house' knowing that the other person really didn't want me to be there would just hurt too much.

I really think you need to see a solicitor ASAP. Even 'simple' separations/divorces (no kids, no property ownership) can get complicated. You need to understand the practicalities of divvying up finances, possessions, taxes, etc. And buying property during a marriage, even after a separation, can be 'tricky'. Forewarned is forearmed.

And now is the time to get your support network in place. Pick a close friend or relative you trust and who has the ability to help you deal with things and tell them what's happened.

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fuckingfuckfuck · 09/07/2015 22:15

Thanks for the advice Acrossthepond

I've been feeling so nauseous this week - is that normal after a shock? I'm off my food too which is very unlike me.

Feeling quite sad today.

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AcrossthePond55 · 09/07/2015 23:42

Perfectly normal! And people's 'food' reactions run from not eating (me) to overeating. When I'm upset the thought of food makes me ill. But you do have to eat. For right now, don't worry about the 'quality' of the food, just get something into your system. So if you want ice cream, eat it. If you want pizza, eat it. Try smoothies if that sounds good, or soups. Your appetite will come back in time.

I think you'll find that taking some action, no matter how small, will help you. Think about what YOU want realistically. Try not to fret about what's happened in the past. Try to plan for the future.

And don't think of it as a waste. It wasn't really. There were some good times and if you think about it, you've probably had experiences with him that you wouldn't have had otherwise. Experiences that have made you grow as a person.

Do think about seeing a solicitor soon, though. It will answer so many questions and will represent a step you can take to look after yourself.

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fuckingfuckfuck · 10/07/2015 19:34

Thanks again Across.

DH is out and I'm at home, plotting his murder

Don't feel I will ever recover from this bitter anger

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AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2015 21:01

But you will. In time you'll look around your new happy life and breathe a sigh of relief! I promise!

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LovelyFriend · 10/07/2015 21:09

Wow your H is a lying deceitful coward who has led you down the path into marriage and 2 years financial obligations because he couldn't face being honest with you. Not to mention wasting 7 years.

I'm not surprised you are really fucking angry about this. Don't blame yourself - you've been lied to and kept in the dark about what was really going on with him for a long time.

Be angry. It's ok.