DH says he wants to seperate. I feel bereft but what now

[fuckingfuckfuck]

DH has said he wants to separate and then divorce. I've been so upset and angry but now I feel quite numb.

We'd been having counselling as I felt things could be better. He was happy to come along but I always contributed more. We both agreed it was needed. I've felt like I've had more 'issues' that him that have affected our relationship as well as my life as a whole. I thought communication could be better among other things. Ive worried I thought unnecessarily we'd get divorced for whatever reason. Turned out I was chronically insecure and we left the counselling with him assuring me that I was loved,and secure. Seems I was right to feel worried paranoi and insecure.

He said everything finally made sense the other day. It all came to him in an instant. He's been down and unhappy and happier when he's with other people (which is a lot, we spend a lot of time doing our own thing). He says he has thought about life with other people and imagines himself happier but has never cheated and I believe him. He says he feels loneliest when he's with me. I can't bring myself to say what he said about our sex life. He says he's been lying to himselfpossibly for years. He now thinks he just went with what was easier ,us staying together when we met, moving in together, marrying. He's been lying to himself and me.

I'm so sad I've been the source of such unhappiness for him. He's never felt able to say all this, he says because he just didn't understand it himself.

I'm also really angry - it's a waste of 7 years. I'm in my mid thirties. I don't have family that cares about me. I wanted a family with him. We don't have DC

But in hindsight I should have seen it all,the unhappiness, him being cold and distant. I don't have a great sense of what a good relationship IS though, so I guess I've never known.

I don't know what to do next. We're just over a week away from moving into a new house in a new town, neither of us can afford it on our own and its a two year lease.

I don't know where to begin really and I'm not sure what the point of this post is really.

[LovelyFriend]

Wow your H is a lying deceitful coward who has led you down the path into marriage and 2 years financial obligations because he couldn't face being honest with you. Not to mention wasting 7 years.

I'm not surprised you are really fucking angry about this. Don't blame yourself - you've been lied to and kept in the dark about what was really going on with him for a long time.

Be angry. It's ok.

[AcrossthePond55]

But you will. In time you'll look around your new happy life and breathe a sigh of relief! I promise!

[fuckingfuckfuck]

Thanks again Across.

DH is out and I'm at home, plotting his murder

Don't feel I will ever recover from this bitter anger

[AcrossthePond55]

Perfectly normal! And people's 'food' reactions run from not eating (me) to overeating. When I'm upset the thought of food makes me ill. But you do have to eat. For right now, don't worry about the 'quality' of the food, just get something into your system. So if you want ice cream, eat it. If you want pizza, eat it. Try smoothies if that sounds good, or soups. Your appetite will come back in time.

I think you'll find that taking some action, no matter how small, will help you. Think about what YOU want realistically. Try not to fret about what's happened in the past. Try to plan for the future.

And don't think of it as a waste. It wasn't really. There were some good times and if you think about it, you've probably had experiences with him that you wouldn't have had otherwise. Experiences that have made you grow as a person.

Do think about seeing a solicitor soon, though. It will answer so many questions and will represent a step you can take to look after yourself.

[fuckingfuckfuck]

Thanks for the advice Acrossthepond

I've been feeling so nauseous this week - is that normal after a shock? I'm off my food too which is very unlike me.

Feeling quite sad today.

[AcrossthePond55]

I've said it before, but I don't think it matters one jot right now whether or not there's an OW. You can't do anything about it if there is so why waste 'headspace' thinking about it? All that matters right now is that he wants to end the relationship. Try to put the 'why' aside for now and deal with what you can do something about.

Find out about the tenancy agreement immediately. Unless you are specifically advised otherwise by CAB (or a solicitor) I think I'd find myself a place to go and tell him 'Look, you're the one who wanted out and didn't tell me right away. You're the one who went ahead and had us sign the agreement knowing all the while you really weren't interested in saving this marriage. I'm not moving to the new place and YOU will need to sort this out for yourself'. You'd probably have to 'write off' any deposits or whatever you've paid, but imho it would be well worth it! The idea of 'setting up house' knowing that the other person really didn't want me to be there would just hurt too much.

I really think you need to see a solicitor ASAP. Even 'simple' separations/divorces (no kids, no property ownership) can get complicated. You need to understand the practicalities of divvying up finances, possessions, taxes, etc. And buying property during a marriage, even after a separation, can be 'tricky'. Forewarned is forearmed.

And now is the time to get your support network in place. Pick a close friend or relative you trust and who has the ability to help you deal with things and tell them what's happened.

[goddessofsmallthings]

If your local CAB is comparable to mine it may not be possible to get an appointment for some weeks and any legal advice given will be dependent on whichever solicitor happens to have volunteered on the day.

You're best advised to make appointments with 2 or 3 solicitors who specialise in divorce and who offer free initial consultations lasting half an hour or so with a view to instructing the one you most feel at ease with/believe will represent your interests most effectively.

If the sum total of your debts are more than your savings I would suggest you keep it that way and look to buy after the Absolute has been granted.

As the marital home is rented and you have no dc, divorce should be straightforward and you should be in a position to regard 2016 as being a a completely new start.

[mommyof23kids]

I'm not sure he's cheating and what difference does it make anyway. He's really jerked you around on this and you should be very angry with him. Honestly the way he's gone about this is so very hurtful. Get angry and go see a solicitor to see what your next move should be.

[fuckingfuckfuck]

I appreciate that Joiny, thank you.

I've learnt a lot since I wrote the op. Both about him, me, our time together. What's been happening recently. Lots is still unclear of course. It's been a long few days!

[Joiny]

The reason most people are suggesting OW is because he is following a well trod pattern and most woman suggesting it have been through the same thing as you. Believing that he wouldn't lie.

[fuckingfuckfuck]

Thanks Emma. I think a trip to the CAB would be useful.

[fuckingfuckfuck]

I'll bear it in mind Joiny.

[Joiny]

So he is re writing your history. Denying other woman. Saying he has never really loved you. Please read the Script fuckingfuck. He is saying everything that a man in the throes of an affair says. Word for word. You only have to read most of the posts on MN on affairs to see that he is following a pattern . Sorry. Don't believe him or what he says.

[NameChange30]

"If I bought a home on my own during the separation would DH have any claim on it?"

I don't know, you really need legal advice from the CAB and/or a solicitor - you can get a free half hour consultation.

You will need a solicitor anyway if you decide to buy a house, so maybe you could find one who can do conveyancing and divorce/separation.

[fuckingfuckfuck]

We do however still have all the vouchers we got as presents when we got married. THATs how quickly this has fallen apart!

[fuckingfuckfuck]

If anyone can help on this question I would be grateful.

If I bought a home on my own during the separation would DH have any claim on it?

Considering all of my options

I have some money in savings (more in debt), no assets really. No DC. I don't think it's going to be particularly complicated to split.

[butterflygirl15]

because most men who leave don't go until there is someone else to go to. And the last person to know is normally the wife. Nothing to do with sexism at all, it is just experience of what normally happens.

[fuckingfuckfuck]

Why does everyone on here think there MUST be someone else? Is it not bad enough if there isn't? I know lots of people who have left people and not had affairs. It does happen. And it's a bit bloody sexist tbh, assuming every man has to be shagging around.

[butterflygirl15]

He's not likely to admit it though is he. Lying about this protects himself and stops you telling folk.

[fuckingfuckfuck]

I've asked him a hundred times if there's a OW - whether in the past, whether a potential one, whether someone's just caught his eye

He's said so many things that have hurt me - not to be spiteful, just saying his true feelings about me and us. I don't see why he would lie about this.

And in fact the result would be the same anyway

[butterflygirl15]

I would also suspect OW - but regardless of that, time to protect and look after yourself. He is just awful to do this to you right at this point before moving.

[fuckingfuckfuck]

Yes, I have friends thank goodness

I think one of us will take the flat and get a lodger

Not sure what's happening in the interim though. DH has been sleeping on the sofa. Things feel awkward and jarring. One minute I hate him. The next I am sad and I really don't want him to go. I honestly don't know how to progress from here. I always have a plan. I don't feel I can make one right now.

[NameChange30]

Sorry he's doing this to you OP.

First things first. You need emotional support. Do you have a close friend you could talk to who will be supportive? I also think it would really help you to get counselling for yourself (rather than couples counselling).
Secondly, the practical side. I suggest you get a copy of the tenancy agreement you signed, and call the Citizens Advice Bureau, or get a free half-hour consultation with a solicitor, to get legal advice. If there is a "break clause" in the contract you might be able to end it before the two years are up. Once you're clear on your legal rights, give the lettings agent or landlord a call, and explain the situation. If you're lucky they might be understanding. The good news is that you haven't moved in yet so they still have a bit of time to find other tenants.
If you do lose any money because of the separation, I think that he should be the one to lose out - he signed this contract and let you know the same despite the fact that he wants to end the relationship.

[LovesPeace]

Are you sure that he's not seeing anyone else?

The whole 'I never wanted to be with you' thing seems suspicious, particularly given that he's just galloped into a 2 year, £30k lease with you.

Try to get out of the contract, and ditch the loser.

[fuckingfuckfuck]

And to be honest I don't feel like I can deal with all the practicalities right now