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I wish there was another OW/OM, but instead it is just the demise of a marriage. So worried about impact on children

32 replies

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 05/07/2015 22:11

No one else is involved. H and I can't be together. We have good stretches, when it's good, but then long stretches when it's constant bickering, building up to horrendous fall outs. He's a good man but I can't stand the volatility. I can't stand so much of the time being ruined by his moods or him bailing on plans we have made. I want more from life.

He is an exceptional father. Our children utterly adore him. They are unaware of problems, as both under 6 and we have the big blow outs away from them. I know that would change with time, and they would become more aware, but I am paralysed with the fear that I am destroying their life for no good reason. I genuinely wish that H was leaving me because of another woman , as then it would be so clear cut. The fact that we are doing this because we are so fed up of the bickering and arguing seems incredibly selfish. I imagine other couples going through this but sucking it up for their sake of the children . I wish we could do that but H is just too much of a drama llama to put a brave face on it. Divorce feels like the only option.

Is there anyone out there who has been in a similar situation? No affair,no emotional or physical abuse, just two people who can't seem to get it right. My question is how did your children fare?

OP posts:

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mummytime · 07/07/2015 11:03

I think some counselling to help you sort it out if it can be sorted, or to part amicably if not.

And read Two Of Everything for you and the children.

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Teabagbeforemilk · 07/07/2015 11:05

It's not a good situation for anyone to be in. I think the OP is taking exception attila that her husband is being abusive.

Sometimes when people fall out or bicker they can move on. Some people can't and need space. People label this moody, but it's just their way of dealing with it.

The OP is clearly saying it's no ones fault in particular, but you seem to want to pin it on the husband being abusive.

Op you are worried your children will miss out. But what you think thy will be missing is not the reality. You want them to have a happy family with mum and dad both there. But that's not what's happening here. I am very sorry this is happening to you. But you are holding on to an ideal that doesn't exist.

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Lottapianos · 07/07/2015 13:22

'The fact that we are doing this because we are so fed up of the bickering and arguing seems incredibly selfish.'

It's not selfish at all. There are no medals for martyrdom. You have a right to be happy as your own person, as does your husband. And no, you are not expecting too much from a marriage - far from it. You don't have to settle for this.

My parents stayed together 'for the children' and I promise you, your children will not thank you for it. They are very young now but in a few short years they will be all too aware of what is going on between you, even if you take care not to argue in front of them. I remember feeling physically sick with the toxic atmosphere in my family home when I was a child, even though we never heard any screaming and shouting. It was so obvious that my parents were (and still are) deeply unhappy together. My siblings and I felt a huge amount of responsibility for making them happy, which persisted into adulthood. It has done us no good at all.

'But you are holding on to an ideal that doesn't exist'

This is so hard to face up to, but it seems to be true in your case. Letting go of the fantasy of the family that you so desperately wanted is terribly painful but carrying on pretending is ultimately even more painful, for all of you.

And I agree with Attila - he sounds like a good, loving parent, nothing more. Nothing exceptional about what you describe.

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Jan45 · 07/07/2015 14:08

It will be like pulling of a plaster, hurts for a bit then feels better, honestly, don't stay together for the kids, they will not thank you for it when they grow up and think relationships like this are normal, your relationship sounds truly awful and full of anxiety, this will definitely transfer to your children, in time, if it has not already had an impact.

that alone is an excellent reason to call it a day.

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nrv0us · 07/07/2015 21:43

"There are no medals for martyrdom."

Good quote.

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nrv0us · 08/07/2015 12:51

How are you doing today, OP?

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MamanOfThree · 08/07/2015 13:53

Coffee I have been in a similar situation than you.
I found that the flowing helped:
1- starting to work again so I had some sort if financial independence. It helped to know I could give a least some if what my dcs were used to.
It also helped to see myself in a different way, so not just MrMaman's wife but also MamanOf3 as a whole person iyswim
2- get some time alone with the dcs. Both myself and DH. That meant for DH to get the 'hard' bits of parenting (eg looking after the dcs whilst also sorting the washing and doing some cooking) and for me some time alone to get head around a few things. (The other way around, me with the dcs and DH doing his things were already in happening!)

That meant I could see myself able to stand on my two feet, I could see the dcs happy just the 4 of us together.

We are lucky because we did manage to sort most of issues out, through hard work in my side and in DH side. But I have no hesitation that, having found my feet again, I would have left if we hadn't sorted that out. It gave me the confidence to do it iyswim?