I wish there was another OW/OM, but instead it is just the demise of a marriage. So worried about impact on children

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

No one else is involved. H and I can't be together. We have good stretches, when it's good, but then long stretches when it's constant bickering, building up to horrendous fall outs. He's a good man but I can't stand the volatility. I can't stand so much of the time being ruined by his moods or him bailing on plans we have made. I want more from life.

He is an exceptional father. Our children utterly adore him. They are unaware of problems, as both under 6 and we have the big blow outs away from them. I know that would change with time, and they would become more aware, but I am paralysed with the fear that I am destroying their life for no good reason. I genuinely wish that H was leaving me because of another woman , as then it would be so clear cut. The fact that we are doing this because we are so fed up of the bickering and arguing seems incredibly selfish. I imagine other couples going through this but sucking it up for their sake of the children . I wish we could do that but H is just too much of a drama llama to put a brave face on it. Divorce feels like the only option.

Is there anyone out there who has been in a similar situation? No affair,no emotional or physical abuse, just two people who can't seem to get it right. My question is how did your children fare?

[MamanOfThree]

Coffee I have been in a similar situation than you.
I found that the flowing helped:
1- starting to work again so I had some sort if financial independence. It helped to know I could give a least some if what my dcs were used to.
It also helped to see myself in a different way, so not just MrMaman's wife but also MamanOf3 as a whole person iyswim
2- get some time alone with the dcs. Both myself and DH. That meant for DH to get the 'hard' bits of parenting (eg looking after the dcs whilst also sorting the washing and doing some cooking) and for me some time alone to get head around a few things. (The other way around, me with the dcs and DH doing his things were already in happening!)

That meant I could see myself able to stand on my two feet, I could see the dcs happy just the 4 of us together.

We are lucky because we did manage to sort most of issues out, through hard work in my side and in DH side. But I have no hesitation that, having found my feet again, I would have left if we hadn't sorted that out. It gave me the confidence to do it iyswim?

[nrv0us]

How are you doing today, OP?

[nrv0us]

"There are no medals for martyrdom."

Good quote.

[Jan45]

It will be like pulling of a plaster, hurts for a bit then feels better, honestly, don't stay together for the kids, they will not thank you for it when they grow up and think relationships like this are normal, your relationship sounds truly awful and full of anxiety, this will definitely transfer to your children, in time, if it has not already had an impact.

that alone is an excellent reason to call it a day.

[Lottapianos]

'The fact that we are doing this because we are so fed up of the bickering and arguing seems incredibly selfish.'

It's not selfish at all. There are no medals for martyrdom. You have a right to be happy as your own person, as does your husband. And no, you are not expecting too much from a marriage - far from it. You don't have to settle for this.

My parents stayed together 'for the children' and I promise you, your children will not thank you for it. They are very young now but in a few short years they will be all too aware of what is going on between you, even if you take care not to argue in front of them. I remember feeling physically sick with the toxic atmosphere in my family home when I was a child, even though we never heard any screaming and shouting. It was so obvious that my parents were (and still are) deeply unhappy together. My siblings and I felt a huge amount of responsibility for making them happy, which persisted into adulthood. It has done us no good at all.

'But you are holding on to an ideal that doesn't exist'

This is so hard to face up to, but it seems to be true in your case. Letting go of the fantasy of the family that you so desperately wanted is terribly painful but carrying on pretending is ultimately even more painful, for all of you.

And I agree with Attila - he sounds like a good, loving parent, nothing more. Nothing exceptional about what you describe.

[Teabagbeforemilk]

It's not a good situation for anyone to be in. I think the OP is taking exception attila that her husband is being abusive.

Sometimes when people fall out or bicker they can move on. Some people can't and need space. People label this moody, but it's just their way of dealing with it.

The OP is clearly saying it's no ones fault in particular, but you seem to want to pin it on the husband being abusive.

Op you are worried your children will miss out. But what you think thy will be missing is not the reality. You want them to have a happy family with mum and dad both there. But that's not what's happening here. I am very sorry this is happening to you. But you are holding on to an ideal that doesn't exist.

[mummytime]

I think some counselling to help you sort it out if it can be sorted, or to part amicably if not.

And read Two Of Everything for you and the children.

[iamsomeoneelse]

This thread really resonates with me -- my DP and I have been together about 15 years, and we are both really devoted parents. There's no abuse, no infidelity, no major rows or drama, just a fair bit of low-level bickering and tension and this growing sense that we have drifted apart and we're not sure how to proceed. Not getting any younger, and we both have a lot to offer...just maybe not to each other? Hard to even type this.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have read your posts and all your comments. I do not mind you getting cross but I was referring to his moods and you do point that out.

No-one is forcing you to stay in a marriage you do not want to remain in. You only need to give your own self permission to leave it. You describe this situation as volatile and that cannot be good for these children either. Its certainly not a good situation for you as their mother to be in.

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

Oh sorry Atilla, I do refer to his moods.

He will go into a mood after an argument whereas I want to move on and snap out very quickly.

But certainly no walking on eggshells or he's nasty to me. He's a gentle soul. But doesn't mean I want to be with him. I don't.

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

Good god Atilla!


When do I say he is nasty to me?
When do I say I am walking on egg shells?
When do I refer to his outbursts or mood swings?

You haven't read my posts or subsequent comments, and it is really frustrating to post asking for help, and to have a poster came on board and create a scenario that the OP quite sumo,y has not stated in any sense whatsoever. The ONLY time that I refer specifically to my Husband as being more to " blame" than me, is when I say he is a "drama llama". That's it.

Anyway, Winnie and mygast, I wil indeed take you up on offer to PM, thank you. Will do tomorrow, as utterly exhausted now. So much the thinking about things, and trig to balance with childcare. It's so draining.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Ok so you don't like me calling you out on the "exceptional father" comment and I hit a nerve with you there evidently.

He however, seems to be simply doing all the things a normally loving parent would do with his children anyway. Many parents do this. You do similar no doubt with these children but you're not stating that you are an exceptional mother. Why therefore call him exceptional?. That is what I was wondering about, why you used that word at all to describe him as a father.

He is still not a good example of a husband to you so that impacts on these children as well as you. Him being great with his children does not make up for the fact that he is and has been nasty to you. You in turn probably walk on eggshells around him or are awaiting his next outburst, mood swings or argument which could come at any time and without warning.

The most important point here is that even if the two of you do not argue in front of them they know that something is inherently wrong; they simply cannot express it and they simply want to see mummy and daddy happy. Never kid yourself that they do not notice it because you and he do not argue in front of them (I am not suggesting that you do not think this). It is indeed your credit that you are thinking of them becoming more aware as they get older.

Its okay to be scared but knowledge after all is power and you do not have to act on any legal advice immediately. Remaining within this will be a lot more scary and difficult for you all.

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

Attila, I would thank you for trusting my view in my children's father.

When I say he is an exceptionally good father, I mean it.

He is loving, patient, kind, playful. He has never once raised his voice at them, he had the patience of a saint, he will spend an hour playing fairies with my daughter or kicking a football about with my son. He doesn't play computer games, doesn't spend his time with them looks on his phone, he never rushed my son when plodding through homework, he enjoys getting up with them in the morning and doing breakfast with them, he is easy, relaxed and loving with them. He genuinely enjoys their company, and they adore him.

There, that sufficient for you Attila?


As for the rest of the responses, thank you. You have given my much food for thought, and I do so appreciate it. The thing is, we have always had wonderful family times, but then my husband and I will spoil for ourselves with an argument. Always away fr th children, but they are very young. I have no doubt that they will soon become aware and frt confused at how one minute things can be great, the next one could cut the tension with a knife. I don't want that for them. I think we both know what needs to be done. I am just so scared though. Scared for my children and scared for me.

[nrv0us]

Very good point.

[Teabagbeforemilk]

What are losing out on? 2 parents who no longer want to be together and constantly argue and dislike each other?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"He is an exceptional father. Our children utterly adore him. They are unaware of problems, as both under 6 and we have the big blow outs away from them"

Why do you describe him as an "exceptional father?". What is this exactly?. My guess is that he is really not Disney Dad either.

Sound travels and you do not even have to row in front of them for them to pick up on all the vibes that both of you unconsciously put out towards each other.

What do you think they are learning about relationships here; they won't thank either of you for the bitterness or resentment and the, "oh if only you knew what I sacrificed for you". That is basically putting him before them. Children are perceptive and they can and do pick up on all the vibes; they may well know that something is amiss (even if they cannot express it properly which is often the case at such a tender age) and you cannot fully protect them from that knowledge.

What kind of a relationship are you modelling for your children. If it's loveless, children may grow up to regard that as the norm.

What do you want to teach them about relationships here?. Its no legacy to leave them. Its not their fault (and both of you will need to explain that to them very clearly and repeatedly) that you as their parents can no longer be together. Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable because these children certainly do notice.

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

Will message later. Touched by the responses

[Winniethewylde]

My your idea of the rock being chipped away is exactly how I feel. He let me down so many times and couldn't be there at the times when I truly needed him. The love I had for him just died. I'm so pleased things have worked out for you, it's great to hear positive stories as I am in the same position as op and don't know anyone who has actively chosen to get out of a marriage which to outsiders seems perfect.

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Feel free to PM me too OP or Winnie if I can help at all.

[Winniethewylde]

This rings so many bells with me and my situation. I have 2 young children and am a sahm. My h and I have just agreed we will separate but have got no further than that. No affairs, no abuse just 2 people who have grown apart. He claims to still love me but there is so much history and bad feeling I just can't keep going with it. We've had counselling which I actually think made it worse. I too am so worried about the effect on the children but I know that we are modelling the most horrific example of marriage to them ever and to split would be kindest in the long run. I believe once the love has gone there is no other option. Thinking of you op, pm me if you like, we can go through it together

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

It's difficult to explain concisely but he kept letting me down, not doing things he promised to do; we went to Relate 2 years ago and he changed nothing. I kept saying to him that I felt like my love was like a rock and every time he let me down it chipped a little bit away...Eventually there was nothing left. The stress eventually led me to have a breakdown and at that point I decided enough was enough.

As long as your children have regular contact with their father they won't miss out. I think my boys actually have a better time with him now than they did when we all lived together. They love going to see him but they're happy to come home to me.

Just make sure your children know you both still love them and they will be fine, they're remarkably adaptable.

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

Mygast, very similar situation here.

May I ask why you separated. Did you fall out of love? Was it constant bickering? Is he a fantastic father? My husband is amazingly patient and loving and dedicated to them. It makes us parting seem so much worse on the children?

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

My children are 5 and 2. I've been separated from their father for just under 4 months. I'm happier and healthier, the boys see their father regularly and they are absolutely fine.

There was no OW/OM, I just couldn't live with him any more. There was no massive blowout before the split either.

It's far more damaging to stay in a bad relationship. My parents marriage was totally dysfunctional, they separated when I was 15 and I am still dealing with the emotional damage it did.

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

Thank you responses.

I am so scared about the future. I feel like we are taking something away from our children, that they need bad love completely. And that makes me feel rotten inside

We are very comfortable financially, however I am a sahm. I don't know anyone divorced to ask. Will I need to go back to work immediately or will I get a bit of time to do a computer course and sort childcare? So so many questions. I don't know where to start.

There's No EA and nothing physical and no one else. Am I expecting too much from a marriage?

[headoverthere]

I'm going through this now, feel the same as you, feel that I'm being selfish as DD loves her daddy & I hate the thought of her having a split family.
But I hate more the impact our relationship has on her. She's 4 & told my parents one day Daddy shouts at Mammy all the time.
I think I knew then what I have to do. For whatever reason DH & I just can't seem to get our mariage back on track. Neither of us makes any effort & family days out are usually dampened by his unwillingness to attend/join in/have fun. Again my DD said to me the other day "we should be just came on our own"
It's a heartbreaking situation. I wish you the best of luck x